It’s Thursday. How many “family days” without Eric does this make. I’m not sure. Around 55 or 56. Maybe the fact that I don’t know is a good thing. At least I’m not keeping a tally of the days off together we’ve missed and I’m not keeping a running total of the number of days or weeks since he left. That’s a little bit of progress.
We have finished our Grief Share class and the material as well as the evenings spent together sharing our thoughts was definitely helpful. We all agreed it was well worth our time and all of us were pleased with the useful teaching.
I have learned again and again throughout the past months that grieving is an intensely individual journey. None of us who loved Eric grieve the same over the same things at the same time. For some the grieving process will end more quickly than others. That’s ok. It’s also ok to give it whatever time is necessary. Each day is another step in the journey. The important thing is that we keep walking.
Not only have I been attending a Grief Share class, I have also been participating in a Beth Moore DVD study of the book of Esther. What a study it has been! I have cried my way through almost every lesson for one reason or another. She has touched my heart and even made it stop at times.
When I feel those tears coming I try to just let them flow quietly because I figure that’s less noticeable than if I start wiping them away or hyperventilating from trying to hold them back (!), but somehow a friend beside me seems to know because a tissue will magically appear in my hand. Sometimes I think they pull those tissues out before I even start crying just because they can sense what’s coming. Perhaps we are all having our heart massaged by God although for different reasons.
Allow me to quote a part of this study of Esther for you:
“Beloved, do we believe that the only way to do something acceptably is to do it perfectly? Sometimes God is more aware than we of just how much He requires of us. He knows how hard it’s going to be for us.
I’m not suggesting we shouldn’t do our best. I’m simply saying that sometimes just surviving certain tasks without falling apart is our best and in those times God is not ashamed of our performance. He’s proud of us for fighting overwhelming human emotions to do His will. God isn’t interested in our stellar performance but in our hearts. He loves our willingness and obedience despite our insecurities.”(pg 112)
I’m telling you, that one brought out the Kleenex. I feel like I fumble my way through every day. My mind isn’t always where it should be. Sometimes a memory has captured it and taken it away somewhere. My heart is still so sad and trying to learn to function with a big hole in it which can sometimes cause me to be very unproductive and withdrawn. To know that God is not ashamed of me brings a comfort that is tremendously hard to describe.
Even when we are not grieving we have other issues. We face uncertainty or big decisions or turmoil or strife that can cause us to feel as though we aren’t doing what God is requiring. Perhaps we aren’t, but God knows our heart. Isn’t that something? God knows our heart. Sometimes I’m not sure of my own heart, but God is. He holds it gently and takes care of it as we allow Him to calm us and bring healing. That’s not just for those of us dealing with the loss that death brings, it’s for all of us, in every circumstance.
Another thing from the Esther study is a quote from page 73:
“When all is said and done, Satan can’t win and you can’t lose” You can’t lose as long as you leave your heart in God’s care. He understands …. and He’s victorious.”
Not by might nor by power,but by My Spirit,
Says the LORD of hosts. Zech 4:6 NKJV
JEV 