We have come past the 15 month mark. We have celebrated Easter, NDP, Mother’s Day and my parents’ 50th wedding anniversary. This weekend our nephew will graduate from High School and today Christy got her first “official” job! Aubri changes almost daily, Madilynn will complete 5th grade next week, Alivia has learned something new every time I talk to her and Sam and Jack can now drive down to “Mimi Net’s” in their own John Deere Gator! So many things are changing and I really, truly wish Eric was here to share these blessings with us.
I realize at this point I should “be over it” – at least that’s what some would think. “It” of course is referring to the death of the one you love most in this world. You don’t just “get over” a loss like that. Recovery takes time and recovering from death can take a long time. A heart can be a hard thing to mend.
However, I have realized there is a huge difference between “getting over it” and adapting to it. My heart is far from “over it” but daily I am adapting. Lately when people ask how I am doing the best response I can give is that I’m adjusting. I don’t like the fact that Eric is not here to kiss me good morning or good night, but I’m adjusting.
I am sad that he doesn’t get to see Aubri’s expressions or hear her laugh but that doesn’t keep me from enjoying her. I hate it there are no motorcycle rides together on beautiful spring days but I still find pleasure in the bright blue sky and warm sunshine. I’m adjusting. Things are a little emptier, sometimes a lot less fun and my thoughts are always with him but I have many reasons to smile and be thankful so I try to focus on those. I don’t put on my dancing shoes every morning but I don’t put on mourning cloth either.
Of course there are times the tears come even when I try to keep them corralled. There are days when I just want to sleep and pretend I’ll wake up and it will all have been a bad dream. Sometimes I think of plans we had made that will never become reality and there are times when just remembering his laugh brings an ache in my heart so deep it’s hard to describe. This is the course of grief. But as a Christian, I can’t stay in those places. Consider (part of) this song by Chris Rice:
Every day is a bank account and time is our currency So nobody’s rich, nobody’s poor we get 24 hours each. So how are you gonna spend – will you invest, or squander, try to get ahead or help someone who’s under?
Teach us to count the days, teach us to make the days count. Lead us in better ways that somehow our soul’s forgot. Life means so much. Life means so much. Life means so much. (Life Means So Much)
I do not know why things are as they are but I have to trust God’s plans (Proverbs 3:5-6). I have no idea what my purpose is now but God does (Jeremiah 29:11). He is constant (Hebrews 13:8), faithful (Hebrews 10:23), compassionate (Psalms 86:15), present (Matthew 28:20) and loving (John 3:16). He guides (Psalm 23:2-3) provides (Matthew 11:28) and holds me close (Psalm 23:4). He hasn’t forgotten me (Isaiah 49:16).
A quote on my perpetual calendar this week reminded me “I am on earth for God not for me.”
This I must always remember. So must you.
Please pray for Pastor Aaron and his family. Mike’s mom, Aaron’s grandmother, passed away Monday morning. She has been reunited with people she has loved and been separated from – some for a very long time – and even though she is well and whole, her family misses her. They have begun the process of adjusting. Your prayers will be a blessing to them.
JEV 