2010

It’s New Years Eve, well, it’s the morning of New Year’s Eve.  This day last year was so very hard for me.  I don’t think I can even begin to adequately describe what it felt like to be going into a new year knowing Eric was not there to go with me.  Not only can I remember what it felt like, I can still feel it.  It was absolutely one of the hardest days of the year.

Going to yearly communion that night took every ounce of obedience within me.  I did not want to go, could not fathom going.  Eric and I were supposed to be there praying for people, wrapping our hearts around theirs.  I was not supposed to be taking communion alone then having someone pray for my new year – who cared about a new year.  In 2008 Eric was still here, at least for a few weeks, but 2009 would hold nothing of him at all; I didn’t want to go there without him.   That short walk from the back of the church to the front was the longest, loneliest one I have ever taken.

I had a family and a couple of friends who had gone out of their way to make sure I would not be alone on New Years Eve.  There was a party and they extracted a promise from me that I would be there. They said they would hunt me down if I did not show up and I knew they meant it.  So, after communion and a bit of time at home composing myself, to the party I went.  It was good to be around friends but I experienced what it was like to be alone in a house full of people.

This year communion was held a night early, the eve of New Year’s Eve you could say!  Going was not as hard as last year but I admit I had to keep talking myself into it off and on all day long.  I wanted to go straight to the nursery and put in my time there then disappear.  You probably guessed that’s not what I did though.  That thing about being obedient kept nagging at me!

I was able to talk with a few friends before entering the sanctuary and felt relatively relaxed but as soon as I got my communion elements and sat down things got rough.  A friend came over to give me a hug and my granddaughter then came to sit on my lap and say hi. The connection group leaders who prayed with me encouraged me greatly and I made it through the evening.  Another milestone conquered.

Tonight there will be no party for me.  Well, not the traditional kind anyway.  Tonight I will party with my two youngest grandchildren!  That’s a pace I can handle (I think!).  I will be glad to play and read books and tuck into bed these two blessings who have never been held by their gramps.  I wish they could have the benefit of loving him as the rest of us do.  He may not be there but tonight as I pray over their 2010, I think his heart will be with us.

I hope in the New Year I am pleasing to God.  He has taken me places I did not want to go and taught me things I did not want to need in 2009 and I have no reason to doubt he will leave me alone now.  Perhaps you wouldn’t think so, but there is still so much adjusting going on.  Eric’s absence has left quite a gap and it is not easy getting used to the change.  I can say without hesitation that God has been faithful through it all.  I have not enjoyed the process and wish things were the way they used to be, but He has held us close and been with us all the way.

Happy New Year to you all.  May you know the peace of God throughout the year and may you realize He is, after all, the most important part of life.

I will instruct you and teach you in the way you should go;

I will guide you with my eye.  Psalm 32:8