Weeping Forward

Our Tuesday morning girls group recently finished a study of the book of Ruth using a guide written by Kelly Minter.  We enjoyed the change in format (we usually use a DVD study) and the discussion it enabled – or pushed! – us to have.  Studying with others brings fresh perspective and causes you to analyze your reasoning and/or beliefs and helps you take into account someone else’s experiences.

At some point in this curriculum the term “weeping forward” was introduced to us; it describes me so perfectly.  It’s a perfect term for how I feel and what I am doing. That’s what my life has been this past couple of years.

“Weeping forward” implies that although you are weeping and perhaps feeling as though you are dying inside, you are still doing all you know how to keep moving in a forward direction.  It’s not easy weeping forward.  There are days it can take every ounce of strength and determination you have, and then some. Sometimes there’s more forward than weeping but there are days when there’s more weeping than forward.  There is reason to celebrate however because you are weeping forward.  It would be so much easier sometimes to stand still or try to live in the past, but God doesn’t want either of those options for us – whether we are surviving grief or dealing with day-to-day living.

This summer our family once again gathered for Father’s Day and happily celebrated the fantastic father’s in our circle.  One of them is missing, but he is thought of and still loved deeply.  Eric loved family gatherings and I miss hearing him laugh at all the antics (and not just those of the kids either!) and wish his children could once again express their love to him.  Oh would I ever love to see him play with all our wonderful grandchildren.  I hate it they will not have such memories. On days like that, we are ‘weeping forward’.  Our heart knows something is not as we desire, but our spirit knows God calls us forward.

I took another giant step forward in June and joined some friends from CT and four other churches across the country and went to the Dominican Republic and Haiti for a week of ministry.  It may not seem like a much to some of you, but making a trip like that and having such new experiences without Eric to share them with is a big deal to me.  Meeting new people, eating new foods, seeing things I’ve never seen and being used in fun, exciting ways is the type of thing I’m used to sharing with my best friend.  When I accomplished a task I was concerned about, I so wanted to tell him and hear his take on things.  When there was a meal that was – interesting! – I wanted to see his expression and watch him taste it!  I wanted to see him work under the anointing of God in such ripe situations and each day I wished to hear him pray and see him love the people.  Not only could he not be there with me, I didn’t even get to call or text him while gone or come home and have great conversations about the week.  It was one of those times when I was ‘weeping forward’.  Gladly going forward, but still weeping.

Then there was Owen’s first birthday; what a joy that boy is.  If you have time to look at my pictures, I’m sure you’ll agree he’s totally huggable!  We celebrated on July 4^th even though his actual birth date is July 9^th.  His parents threw a bash for the entire family – a baseball themed party that ended with wonderful fireworks (compliments of the city of Chillicothe J)!  It was a fun evening, the kind Eric would have loved.  Food, family, friends and fireworks all add up to a great time and I hate it he will not experience these things with us anymore.  Mind you, I hate it more for us than him to be sure because I have this little part in me that thinks he’s probably watching, we just don’t get the benefit of his participation.  I know there are lots of scriptural loopholes in that theory but I’m not stating it as fact; the thought just helps my heart adjust a little better! However, I do wish Owen and all our other “grands” could know Papaw Eric and play games and laugh with him.  Knowing that will never be the case makes me, well, makes me ‘weep forward’.

Church T is growing and our vision is alive and well and Eric would so enjoy seeing it all.  Kids Camp will be here before we know it and oh how I will miss having that man ride in on his motorcycle in the afternoon just to see how things are going.  The end of August will bring some vacation days and while the time off will definitely be savored, it will be different from the vacations of the past.  Summer will soon be over and the beautiful colors of Fall will surround us.  Time marches on, life keeps advancing and some of us are ‘weeping forward’ in the process. I know it won’t last forever, this ‘weeping forward’.  I know some day it will just be ‘forward’.  Some day. Until then, I am glad for a Savior who is patient and kind and ever-present.  I’m thankful for friends and family who realize my heart is in recovery.  I’m grateful for the assurance that “….he who believes in me (Jesus) will live, even though he dies;”  John 11:25-26

Those who sow in tears will reap with songs of joy.       Psalm 126:5