Author: JEV

Last night my daughter and I sat down to share a pizza and before we ate I thanked God that I was eating ‘take out’ food because I wanted to, not because I didn’t have a stove to cook on.  I was grateful for a couch to sit on in a room that had all four walls intact and that in my front yard there was grass and not an uprooted tree or two or three.

I have just returned from Alabama where I had the privilege to spend 4 days helping clear debris from the tornado that ripped through Tuscaloosa a few weeks ago. I have pictures, but they don’t adequately portray the miles and miles of devastation or give you a feel for the work that is being done hourly to clear roads, parking lots and subdivisions of uprooted trees, pieces of siding, road signs, furniture, damaged cars, clothing, dishes and a host of other items.  It was definitely an experience I won’t soon forget and I was only there a few days. I got to come home to order and cleanliness.

All through the city organizations have stations set up for distribution of food, clothing, necessities and for storm victims to register for help in cleaning their yards.  Families and neighbors are working together to make things as livable as possible and strangers, like us, came from out of town – even out of state – to help.  The area is a disaster for sure and most of the people need help from others in one way or another.   It is a true blessing to have been a small part in helping several families.

Although the damage in Alabama was caused by a storm, sometimes we have disasters in our lives.  Sometimes they are from circumstances completely beyond our control, like a tornado, and sometimes we cause them by our attitude, actions or choices we make.  As with natural disasters, life-disasters affect more people than we can imagine.  Usually the damage covers more territory than we would have expected and causes casualties in areas we had not calculated.  Unlike a tornado, which is not affected by its own forceful winds, a life-disaster affects the one acting as well as those in its path.  Also unlike most natural disasters, the major damage from a life-disaster may not be felt until long after the storm has whipped through.

One thing is for sure – just like the folks in Alabama will not recover from this devastation on their own, neither do those who are experiencing a life-disaster.  Family, friends and even strangers are important if we want to contain a storm or heal from the affects of its already unleashed winds.  In a life-disaster the best tools for helping are not chain saws, rakes and machinery but prayer, love, honesty and the Word of God.

Life disasters come in many forms; death, failure, financial collapse, failing health, rejection, divorce, bankruptcy; you can fill in your own blank with where you are or have been.  Pulling out of these situations and regaining stable, healthy ground is usually only accomplished when others are by our side.  I know that has been true for me.  Without the love and care of friends and family my life and my thoughts would be so different than they are right now.  Continual prayers have been my saving grace, my lifeline, or perhaps you could say the bulldozer that moved the rubbish so I could see the good that was left.

Maybe someone you know is causing tornado winds in the lives of others – they need your prayers.  Perhaps your friend has the rubbish from a tornado piling all around them – they need your prayers.  We need to be the prayer-bulldozer that stops the wind and clears the debris.  Prayer is important because just like my pictures of Tuscaloosa can’t tell the whole story adequately, only God knows the whole story of a life-disaster.

Someday Tuscaloosa will once again be a thriving city and evidence of the total devastation they are now experiencing will be almost completely gone.  Prayer can do the same in the lives of those we love.  Pray the Word.  Speak with honesty.  Pray that God’s love will win in the end.  After all, it’s the individuals in the city God cares about; it’s them He wants to rebuild.  It’s an honor to be part of that with our hands and feet or our prayers.

The way God designed our bodies is a model for understanding our lives together as a church: every part dependent on every other part, the parts we mention and the parts we don’t, the parts we see and the parts we don’t. If one part hurts, every other part is involved in the hurt, and in the healing. If one part flourishes, every other part enters into the exuberance.    I Corinthians 12:25-26

Are you familiar with the commercial that states, “Life comes at you fast.”?  That’s how I have felt these past several weeks.  Where have the last two months gone?  How did we go from March to May and it barely seems I’ve blinked a dozen times.  If you tell me that’s what happens as you age, I’m going to throw something at you!

Since I last wrote I have taken a trip to Chicago, benefited from Secret Church (www.disciplemakingintl.org/secretchurch/) celebrated Easter, spent a girls weekend with friends old and new, participated in National Day of Prayer, enjoyed another Mother’s Day with my family and will soon have the privilege of serving storm victims in Alabama.   I have had wonderful and busy weeks and am grateful to God for such blessings.

These events have been fun yet, I must admit, I still miss Eric in all of them.  I am no longer consumed with grief and am not paralyzed with sadness; there’s just an ache, an emptiness when he is not there to be a part of things and share in the thoughts of my heart.

A few of my friends have recently begun a walk down this road of grief – a road that is unpredictable and individual.  Special days, old habits, favorite chairs or articles of clothing all bring a rush of emotion that is sometimes exhausting to deal with. (Psalm 6:6)  We wonder if things will ever feel right again and when will there not be a sadness that is as deep as an ocean.

How are we managing to follow normal routine when nothing is normal?  What is the proper time frame to not cry any more?  6 weeks? 6 months? After the first year? Are we crazy or depressed if we are outside the ‘normal’ reaction?  Why do we want to throw something across the room and hide in bed at the same time?  Is there an answer for why this happened?  Are we allowed to ask that question?

Grief is a roller coaster ride but you don’t know when the switch will be pulled to send you on a spiral or racing down hill at breakneck speed.  Experiencing it allows you to empathize with others it but doesn’t enable you to ‘fix’ it for them. The best thing we can do is remember God understands and is compassionate. (Exodus 34:6) He loves us, and those we have lost, more than we can imagine. (I John 4:8)  He’s not a philosophy or a self-help step but a living, breathing Savior who sees each tear we cry – even those stuck deep in our heart.

He is also faithful and will walk with us all the way through the storm.  He’s not going to leave us behind because we’re going too slowly and He won’t throw in the towel because we aren’t doing it right. (Hebrews 13:5)  His love will go the distance with us. His love will hold us tightly, breathe new life into our soul and give us true joy once again. That kind of love is amazing.  I am awed by it.

This month I had a granddaughter attend her first formal dance and two other grandchildren register for kindergarten.  I have completed tasks, taken on new ones and still have old ones to finish.  The weather has been warm and cold, dry and wet, sunny and cloudy.   We have celebrated and mourned.  There has been energy and tiredness.  Not much in life is constant – change is inevitable; some welcomed, some not.  I’m so very glad Jesus loves me through it all.

The cords of death entangled me,

the anguish of the grave came upon me;

I was overcome by trouble and sorrow.

Then I called on the name of the LORD:

“O LORD, save me!”

Be at rest once more, O my soul,

for the LORD has been good to you.

         For you, O LORD, have delivered my soul from death, my eyes from tears,

my feet from stumbling, Psalm 116:3,4,7,8

I am a grandma and think it must be one of the absolute best parts of life.  I’m sure it’s one of God’s rewards for making it through raising your own children!  There’s nothing quite like being “Gram” and coming from someone who loves being a mom, that’s a pretty good endorsement for grandparenthood.

I have six ‘grands’ between the ages of 13 years and 20 months old; three boys and three girls.  They all live close by and I enjoy getting to see them often.  I am called Gram, Mimi, Grandma and Gams and love that they each have their own ‘version’ of what to call me.  I’m not sure how that will play out as they get older so I’ll enjoy the variety for now.

I have had a few moments with Aubri, my youngest granddaughter, in the past month that have made me smile from the inside out and from which I have also learned a few lessons.  Today we’ll be celebrating her third birthday and I’ve been pondering the things I can learn from a three year old.

I got to go with Aubri and her brother Owen to Disney World last month and watching them enjoy all that activity was absolutely priceless (to coin a commercial!).  Everything was an adventure and seeing some of their favorite cartoon characters actually ‘come to life’ made them so excited you could almost feel it!  They watched parades, ate ice cream, got autographs, enjoyed the rides, went without naps and had their picture taken so many times we could paper a wall with the prints!  I realized how much more fun things are when we simply enjoy the good moments we’re given.

On one of the beautiful, warm days we were recently blessed with, I took Aubri and Owen for a walk.  They were excited to be outside in the sunshine and, as with most little ones, the walk became a time to explore all the rocks and leaves and cracks in the sidewalk.  Aubri learned a new boundary during this walk; she was allowed to go a few paces in front of me then stop and wait until Owen and I caught up with her.  She asked me one time why she had to wait and after that, all I had to say was, ‘”Far enough.” and she’d stop. When we caught up she’d say, “Now I can go?” then skip ahead a few paces before stopping to wait again.  How I wish I obeyed that quickly. Please don’t misunderstand, I’m not trying to make you think she always obeys the first time around, (she’s wonderful but that would be stretching things!) I’m just telling you she did this time and it made an impression on me. Do you suppose it makes an impression on God when we obey that quickly?

One evening this wonderful little girl looked at me and said, “Gams, you my best friend.”  Oh did my heart swell and my face light up with a big smile.  What could be more wonderful than to have your grandchild say you were her best friend?  But she wasn’t finished making declarations.  The next thing she said was, “And mommy my best friend and daddy my best friend and Owen my best friend and Nanna my best friend and Pap-pap my best friend.”  My smile changed to a laugh but it was the next sentence that captured my heart.  She looked at me, cocked her head to the side and said, “Everybody loves me!”.

What wonderful, healthy self-esteem, I mean, after all, what’s not to love!  I know as time goes on that self-esteem will be tested and she’ll realize not everyone thinks she’s as wonderful as her family does.  We will, no doubt, have our times of consoling her because of one harsh friend or another but for right now, she knows nothing but love and adoration.

I think God wants us to know for real how much He loves us.  Too often we doubt His love because we base it on what we know about ourselves.  God’s love isn’t based on us at all; it’s about Him just plain loving us not us deserving that love.  When Aubri is not so quick to obey, we don’t love her any less and when her disobedience is handled and things are set right, she doesn’t walk around thinking we don’t love her anymore.  I think God would have us accept His love with that type of innocence.  He loves us; that’s the beginning and the end of the matter.

So this afternoon an entire group of people who love this little girl will gather together and celebrate her.  We will lavish her with attention, hugs and kisses and gifts.  There will be lots of laughter and smiles and she will know she is loved.  I wish her Papaw Eric could be with us.  He would enjoy her innocence and make her laugh and it would warm my heart to see them together.  You know what?  As smart as he was, I bet she’d teach him a few things, too!!

Children are a heritage from the Lord, offspring a reward from Him.     Psalm 127:3

Children’s children are a crown to the aged….Proverbs 17:6

 

I guess it’s only natural that tonight would be a night of remembering. Some events are just like that; you remember the sights, the sounds and the people, maybe even the smells or the placement of certain objects.  Sometimes you remember the words spoken and sometimes remembering brings back the feelings and it’s as if you are there all over again.

Today is the anniversary of the last time I heard my husband say, “Good morning.  I love you.”  I haven’t heard those words for three years.  That’s over 1,000 days and for a lady who used to hear “I love you” multiple times a day, it’s a really long time.  I cherished hearing it said for 28+ years and I cherish it still.  I’m so glad Eric and I did not just assume the other knew they were loved but we made sure to show that love by our actions and our words.

Not one of us knows how long we will have to spend with those we love.  I know 50 more years would not have been enough for me and yet I had more time than others.  Tomorrow is not guaranteed to anyone.  We really need to make the time count as best we can.  Every day we are leaving a legacy; let’s make sure it’s the kind we want.

Choose your battles wisely.  Say I love you often.  Laugh every day – multiple times……and at yourself when appropriate!  Help someone else with no perks for yourself in mind.  Remember patience is a virtue (Galatians 5:22 NCV) and a soft answer is usually a better tool than flying into a rage (Proverbs 15:1 NKJV).  Be honest (Proverbs 12:22 NKJV) and kind (Galatians 5:22) and remind yourself that having the most ‘toys’ doesn’t mean you’re the better person.

Make prayer a part of your day, every day (Psalm 55:17) and remember  you are not here by your own design but by Divine design.  God has you on this earth for a purpose (Jeremiah 29:11) and He’s anxious for you to know how much He loves you (John 3:16).

I know there is an Eternity and Eric has already started his journey there.  Someday, oh someday, I will be there and so will my family and friends and life and time will take on a whole new meaning for all of us.  This life is not the icing on the cake, it’s just the cake batter – the preparation.  Don’t live as though this is all there is.

Three years ago I became a widow (I still don’t like that word). Almost three weeks ago my brother-in-law, Eric’s brother Nick died, and his wife has started her walk on the path of widowhood.  Several friends have been through some hard loss in the last several months and some are facing it in their near future.   One thing I have learned about death in a very personal way is that the grief it brings is not always a cut and dried neat little package.

I do not cry daily as I did three years ago, but I still cry.  I don’t lie awake nights or feel as though a weight is bearing down on me zapping all my strength throughout the day, but there are still times I am overwhelmed with my loss.  I have learned how to keep going but sometimes my heart is in the past.  Grief is tough and I think the more you loved, the tougher it can be.  Be gentle with those you know who are dealing with loss; your love and care can make a world of difference.  I know because I have had some of the best love and care a person could ask for.

So tonight I say, “Good night, Handsome.  I love you.  I would love to hear you laugh again.  And pray – how good it would be to hear you pray!  But I know some day I shall.”

Are you lonesome tonight?  Do you miss me tonight?

Are you sorry that we are apart?

Does your memory stray to a bright sunny day  when you kissed me and called me sweetheart?

I am having a hard time believing it’s already February.  The 9^th of February even!  Where did January go?  There were many things I thought I would accomplish in January and the calendar has already turned to the second month and my ‘to do’ list still isn’t done.  Can anyone relate?

I have had many things to contemplate since the New Year and one of them is friendship.  At our Tuesday study group we spent some time affirming each other and sharing the positive things we see in each other.  It was an awesome and humbling experience.  It amazed me how differently others see us than how we see ourselves.   I barely recognized the girl my friends were describing as they talked with me.  It was healing to my soul to be so encouraged and I appreciate their love and thoughtfulness so much.

I had an equally good time sharing with them ways they have been a blessing to me.  They have all been an inspiration at one time or another and it was fun to let them know that.  We laughed and cried together – mostly cried! – and I think we all were glad we took the time to express our thoughts to each other.  It was definitely a January highlight.   Now if we could just keep the snow away on Tuesday’s so we could get together again!

My friends have been a mainstay all through my life but especially in the past three years.  I just received a text from a friend that simply said, “Been praying for you.  I love you.”  She has no idea what my day has been like or that I am writing about friendship and it’s not the first time she, or others, have said or done just the right thing at the right time.  Tonight someone let me know just by their gentle, caring attitude that they knew I wasn’t ‘up to par’.  I appreciate that and it’s such a comfort to know people care.

Having friends who will rejoice with you is just as important as having them there for the tough times.  It’s so much fun to have someone be excited with you when you get an unexpected blessing or you finally jump a hurdle that has been in your way or you get to do something you’ve been waiting on for a long time.   Laughter with friends is truly healing medicine.

And prayer.  The prayers my friends have prayed for me have, I’m sure, kept me going.  They don’t always pray with me.  I may not even know they have prayed until days or even weeks later, perhaps I don’t know it at all but they have prayed and God has heard.  They have prayed for me when they are hurting or confused or struggling because they are faithful friends.  They have prayed for me when they are on top of the world and they know I’m not, because they are faithful friends.  They have prayed when they are tired of praying for me and when they don’t know what to pray, because they are faithful friends.  Some have prayed in the middle of the night because God knew He could awaken them and they would be faithful to do for me what I could not do for myself.

When you put my family and my friends together, I am one of the most blessed women alive right now.  They have all held me together and I am so very grateful.   My heart has struggled and been empty and I’ve been confused and sad, but they have stuck with me and pushed me forward.  I love them so.

I pray you have faithful friends in your life and if you don’t, get out there and make some.  Involve yourself and find ways to be a blessing to others; you will reap much more than you sow!

 

And they will pray for you with deep affection because of the overflowing grace God has given to you.

Thank God for this gift too wonderful for words!

2 Corinthians 9:14-15 NLT

 

Christmas morning.  Early Christmas morning (5:30), but morning none-the-less.  I have no small children in the house but I’m awake anyway and there are presents under my tree that I’m anxious to open but I’ll let my 21 year old daughter sleep a little longer just because, well, it’s Christmas and I should start the day off being nice, right?!

In a little while I’ll be with my two youngest grandkids and share some of the excitement of Christmas morning with it’s new toys and other surprises wrapped in pretty paper.  There will be laughter and giggles and playing pretend and a breakfast complete with cinnamon rolls. My kids will be the adults in the room and I will love every minute of us being together while realizing time has definitely brought about its changes.

While making preparations for these days of celebration I have replayed scenes of Christmas-past in my mind.  The year our boys got BB guns, our daughter a doll house (that is still played with by her nieces/nephews!), special dresses and suits for little boys and girls, hidden gifts, sleeping around the tree, favorite movies and jubilee cookies.  There was the year Christopher was old enough to read the Christmas story at the family gathering – now he’s a pastor and continues to read that story!  The year Christy got a dress-up box full of great outfits but was too sick to play with it.  One video shows Nathaniel contentedly playing with one toy while the other two move from one thing to another.  Their first Nintendo game system, John Deere tractors and Tonka trucks made of real metal!  We have shared some wonderful Christmas days at our house and although the kids are grown and our routine has changed, we still enjoy great Christmases in our family.  We love being together and having a special day to bless each other with surprises makes it even more fun.

Of course, this week has had a few tough moments as well.  Songs that are beautiful but talk about ‘kissing underneath the mistletoe and people seeing we’re in love’ can be a little hard on the heart.  And why do so many Christmas movies have to deal with someone dying or already being gone and leaving an empty space in the family celebration?  Baking Eric’s favorite cookies and having them turn out almost perfect but not having him here to talk them up was bitter-sweet (however, Christy did his job and bragged on them for me!).

All week long I could hear his laughter over past events and yesterday while cleaning the house I realized he would have most likely been out shopping because Christmas Eve day seemed to be the best time for him to finish – or sometimes start – his shopping!  I miss the way he would splurge on that special surprise for me. Knowing there will never be another piece of jewelry from him under my tree or that every addition made to my kitchen will be purchased by me instead of as a surprise from him is quite sad.  He would love our new tree and it’s simplicity of decorations as well as the ease of setting it up!  How I wish we were both going to share Christmas morning with our grandkids.  As I visit all six of them today, I will wish they could have known him.

At the same time, Eric’s absence makes the Christmas story all the more personal.  It’s because of  “baby” Jesus our eternal destination can be Heaven.  If Jesus had never come in the flesh (John 1:1-5), He could not have been the sacrifice for our sins (Hebrews 9:26). He could not have been our Redeemer (Galatians 3:13).  The “manger scene” is a story we have grown accustomed to and sometimes don’t stop to value as we should (Luke 2).

God became flesh.  Imagine that.  Most of us complain if we have to go without our favorite coffee in the morning or scrape our windshield when it has ice on it or live in a place that’s too small. Imagine living in heaven – in perfection – and giving that up to come here and doing it with the express purpose of being a sacrifice for people who won’t understand what you’re doing (John 3:14-17). The little baby we celebrate the birth of today loves us more that we can fathom (John 3:16). Today is proof of His love in action.  Because of today, His birth, I know Eric is celebrating in a way we cannot (yet!) and that we’ll celebrate together again someday. Celebrating Jesus is a perpetual event in Glory, not just a one-day holiday!

Tomorrow our house will be filled with extended family and friends and we’ll laugh and play and share lots of love.  We’ll have a great time and Eric will be missed and while my heart aches over Christmases we’ll never share together, I’m thankful for the ones we had and will cherish those memories; the sound of his laughter, his joy in giving and the way he had of making me feel wonderful.  Those are the best gifts, after all.  Merry Christmas everyone!

These are the special times,

Times we’ll remember.

These are the precious times,

The tender times we’ll hold in our hearts forever.

These are the sweetest times,

These times together.

And through it all, one thing will always be true,

The special times are the times I share with you.

 

“These Are the Special Times”

written by Diane Warren  sung by Celine Dion

The 31^st anniversary of our wedding day has come and gone.  I still remember so well the cool, rainy Friday evening Eric and I said our vows.  It was a ‘family affair’ with no frills – most of the folks in our church didn’t even know we had gotten married until we showed up Sunday morning and told them!

Yesterday was a gorgeous, wonderful November day with no resemblance to our rainy day of years ago.  The weather reminded me of our 25^th wedding anniversary when we woke up and said to each other, “Where should we go?”  We decided quickly, packed the car and drove to Washington, DC.  The entire week was as beautiful as yesterday, perfect for site seeing with blue skies and warm days; we couldn’t have had a nicer time anywhere.

I thought about that trip yesterday afternoon as well as some of the other anniversaries we had shared together and the trips we talked about taking in the future.  Eric and I were never sticklers that celebrations had to happen on the exact day of the event.  We’d make that day special in some way, but if we had to wait to have more focused time together, we’d just wait.

Some years we didn’t have the finances to do much.  Other years we did the typical ‘dinner out’ date.   When our children were little we’d take the day off, put them in the car and spend the day Christmas shopping.  They were too little to know who was getting those things we were putting in the cart anyway!  As they grew older we’d leave them with a trusted sitter and spend the day shopping alone then enjoy dinner without considering what was on the kids menu!  No matter what we did, we always had fun. Alone or with kids, nice meal or happy meal, out on the town or snuggled in at home, we were content.  We were in love.

I really wasn’t sure how I would feel yesterday.  Emotions are funny things and, at least for me, I’m never sure when a crying moment will jump up and snatch me.  I do remember waking up and thanking God I wasn’t crying first thing!  I have to tell you, that’s a change from the last two years and it’s forward progress I’m sure.

However, the tears did come.  How could they not?  My heart longed to tell that man what a treasure he was to me and how much I love him.  As I relived those past anniversaries, I wanted to hear his memories, too – you know males and females always remember things differently!  And oh my, what I wouldn’t have given for an anniversary kiss.  Yes, the tears came, but they came along with smiles and thankfulness for what I had.

A friend sent me a note yesterday reminding me of three things:  ~God is with me.  ~His presence is overshadowing me.  ~He is holding me in the palm of His hand.  I take comfort in the knowledge of those truths.  But they are not just for the widow, or the lonely, or the sad.  Those truths are for all of us.  God is very present in our daily lives.

I found a particular quote from our current bible study very appropriate for me right now:  “Do my difficulties minimize God or does God minimize my difficulties?”  Which way do I allow it to be?  Which is bigger, my God or my pain?  Much of what I will do depends on my answer to that question.  The same is true for you.  In whatever situation we encounter, we need to live like God is bigger than the problem.  We need to remember He is faithful and loves us with an everlasting love.  When we focus on the truth that the God of the universe loves us and knows us, our thoughts tend to be less inward and quite a bit more God-ward.

Every November 9^th will be special to me. Some years may be harder than others but I will always remember the special love that was a total gift from God and I will be grateful.

Through high and low, sorrow and joy, fear and faith, doubt and trust, God is with me.  He is holding me close.  That I can definitely celebrate.

… I will not forget you.

Behold, I have carved you in the palms of my hands;

your walls are continually before me.

Isaiah 49:15 & 16

 

This past month has seemed rather like a whirlwind!  The day after my last post, my 12-year-old granddaughter fell off her horse and broke her left leg in three places and her left shoulder as well.  She has a full leg cast with her arm in a sling but, thank God, no surgery was required.  She is in a wheelchair and I get to take her to school two days a week which gives us a little more time to spend together than we would normally have.  She’s dear to my heart and I’m so thankful her injuries were not worse.

We started October by celebrating Nathaniel’s birthday; it’s hard to believe he’s 23 and married.  He’s a great guy and I’m so very proud of him and know Eric would be so pleased with his focus, his heart and his determination. In the middle of the month we celebrated my beautiful daughter-in-law Kristyn who juggles the many aspects of her life with a smile and great attitude. A few weeks later we rejoiced as her parents celebrated their 30^th wedding anniversary at a special evening with family and friends, which included a renewing of their wedding vows and a special song Tim recorded for Karen

The first Sunday of the month was CT’s annual Harvest Home celebration.  Although the way we celebrate has changed over the years, it continues to be a great time of relaxed family fun and good food although this year it was quite cold so perhaps not as relaxing as we would have liked! This was actually Eric’s favorite Sunday of the year because spending the whole afternoon together meant he would usually have a chance to talk with everyone!  I missed his laugh this year and the wink he would send my way from across the crowd.

Along with all of that, since the first of the month I have participated in two women’s retreats and enjoyed a new twist on our annual Hallelujah Night (a Halloween alternative).  I have made new friends, reconnected with old ones (thanks to Facebook!) shared moments of spontaneous laughter and tears, had a few lunches with my girlfriends and a few late night chats with my daughter.  I have spent time laughing with my grandchildren and have swelled with complete joy when they are excited to see me.  I have had many blessings to count and have been well taken care of by my Savior.  I am blessed.  October has been full indeed.

Monday we usher in November.  We will vote.  We will celebrate Thanksgiving.  Our family has six November birthdays (!) and two anniversaries.  Ours is one of them; it will be 31 years since I talked Eric into marrying me (he’d love that line!).  I have loved and been loved; I am blessed.

I still think of him every day – several times a day.  Not in a way that keeps me from living in the here and now, not with bitterness or anger.  Sometimes I smile, sometimes I laugh out loud at a memory.  Sometimes I am sad or empty or wishful.  But when I remember, I know that I was cherished and I know if we were able to celebrate our anniversary we would share many, many smiles and enjoy our time together and I would know I was loved. He would know he’s my hero and the love of my life. There would be no doubt.

None of us can tell when we will be together for the last time.  Make sure those you love know they are cherished.  Make sure they will have reasons to smile when they think of you.  Make sure they know they are loved.  Make sure they know it every day.  It’s a gift that will definitely keep on giving; I know that for a fact.

Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud.
It is not rude, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered,
it keeps no record of wrongs.
Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth.
It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres.
I Corinthians 13:4-7

Today is not just any normal Tuesday.  It’s not just a normal September 28^th.  Today is my Honey’s 59^th birthday.  At least it would have been.  This has always been a special day in our family and even death hasn’t changed that. We may not be celebrating, but we are remembering and there are many things to remember – most of them bring a smile to my face!

I’m not sure what it’s like in your family, but in ours, when dad had a quirk or did something funny, it was always heartily laughed at, exaggerated and brought up often!  For some reason it’s always fun to pick on the dad!  We actually still laugh at him today; it’s to bad he’s not here to torment with the joke.  But that doesn’t stop us.

We remember his driving.  You didn’t want to tell Eric you just passed the exit because before you realized what was happening, you had taken the exit and were wondering, as you tried to loosen your death grip on the door handle, how in the world he did that.  We remember that he would look straight at something and still not be able to find it.  He always had to have a shower and cup of coffee on Christmas morning before any festivities could begin. His hair was (almost) always in place – except for the time he practically burned it off his head trying to hide some of the gray!  He would bump into something and say, “Who put that there?” even though it had been in that particular place for months.  He was sometimes a little behind on current day terminology and we remember laughing hysterically when he called his flip-flops his thongs!!!  He explained his constant loss at video games by claiming the boys didn’t tell him all the moves just so he couldn’t beat them.  Eric’s laugh was hearty and we heartily enjoyed laughing with – and at – him a lot!

When he lost his hair during the first chemo treatments, he put on a bandana and a fake earring and stuck a squirrel tail out the back of the bandana making it look like a pony tail giving himself the appearance of a (semi) rough-neck biker.  He secretly dressed up as a pirate when the kids were little and gave them a memorable show.  He put a swing in our big tree and built an impressive tree house that our kids and their friends enjoyed for many years.  He pitched baseball for hours, played sock basketball more nights than I can count and made the game of “Big, Bad Wolf” the best part of Tuesday nights.  ‘Billie and Willie’ stories were dad’s creation and a delight to our kids.  He tossed each of them high in the air in the swimming pool over and over again and taught them to ride bikes and shoot a gun.

He was also a marvelous example of living a life consecrated to God. We always knew his day had not begun without prayer and scripture.  His answers to questions always pointed to Godly principles and he was truly a man after God’s own heart.  No argument, discussion or topic was ever addressed without finding out what God had said in His Word.  That was Eric; a wise man who knew it was more important to follow and please God than be popular.

I wish I could have seen his face the moment he realized He was in heaven.  I wish I could talk to him and hear the excitement in his voice.  I wish I could hear his laugh as he described all the things he was sure about that aren’t so after all because I know he’d be the first to laugh at that!  I wish…..

No, this isn’t just any ordinary Tuesday.  Happy Birthday to Handsome – a very extraordinary guy!  I miss you so.

Whatever you do, do it heartily as to the Lord and not to men,knowing that from the Lord you will receive the reward of the inheritance, for you serve the Lord Christ.  Colossians 3:23-24

Our Tuesday morning girls group recently finished a study of the book of Ruth using a guide written by Kelly Minter.  We enjoyed the change in format (we usually use a DVD study) and the discussion it enabled – or pushed! – us to have.  Studying with others brings fresh perspective and causes you to analyze your reasoning and/or beliefs and helps you take into account someone else’s experiences.

At some point in this curriculum the term “weeping forward” was introduced to us; it describes me so perfectly.  It’s a perfect term for how I feel and what I am doing. That’s what my life has been this past couple of years.

“Weeping forward” implies that although you are weeping and perhaps feeling as though you are dying inside, you are still doing all you know how to keep moving in a forward direction.  It’s not easy weeping forward.  There are days it can take every ounce of strength and determination you have, and then some. Sometimes there’s more forward than weeping but there are days when there’s more weeping than forward.  There is reason to celebrate however because you are weeping forward.  It would be so much easier sometimes to stand still or try to live in the past, but God doesn’t want either of those options for us – whether we are surviving grief or dealing with day-to-day living.

This summer our family once again gathered for Father’s Day and happily celebrated the fantastic father’s in our circle.  One of them is missing, but he is thought of and still loved deeply.  Eric loved family gatherings and I miss hearing him laugh at all the antics (and not just those of the kids either!) and wish his children could once again express their love to him.  Oh would I ever love to see him play with all our wonderful grandchildren.  I hate it they will not have such memories. On days like that, we are ‘weeping forward’.  Our heart knows something is not as we desire, but our spirit knows God calls us forward.

I took another giant step forward in June and joined some friends from CT and four other churches across the country and went to the Dominican Republic and Haiti for a week of ministry.  It may not seem like a much to some of you, but making a trip like that and having such new experiences without Eric to share them with is a big deal to me.  Meeting new people, eating new foods, seeing things I’ve never seen and being used in fun, exciting ways is the type of thing I’m used to sharing with my best friend.  When I accomplished a task I was concerned about, I so wanted to tell him and hear his take on things.  When there was a meal that was – interesting! – I wanted to see his expression and watch him taste it!  I wanted to see him work under the anointing of God in such ripe situations and each day I wished to hear him pray and see him love the people.  Not only could he not be there with me, I didn’t even get to call or text him while gone or come home and have great conversations about the week.  It was one of those times when I was ‘weeping forward’.  Gladly going forward, but still weeping.

Then there was Owen’s first birthday; what a joy that boy is.  If you have time to look at my pictures, I’m sure you’ll agree he’s totally huggable!  We celebrated on July 4^th even though his actual birth date is July 9^th.  His parents threw a bash for the entire family – a baseball themed party that ended with wonderful fireworks (compliments of the city of Chillicothe J)!  It was a fun evening, the kind Eric would have loved.  Food, family, friends and fireworks all add up to a great time and I hate it he will not experience these things with us anymore.  Mind you, I hate it more for us than him to be sure because I have this little part in me that thinks he’s probably watching, we just don’t get the benefit of his participation.  I know there are lots of scriptural loopholes in that theory but I’m not stating it as fact; the thought just helps my heart adjust a little better! However, I do wish Owen and all our other “grands” could know Papaw Eric and play games and laugh with him.  Knowing that will never be the case makes me, well, makes me ‘weep forward’.

Church T is growing and our vision is alive and well and Eric would so enjoy seeing it all.  Kids Camp will be here before we know it and oh how I will miss having that man ride in on his motorcycle in the afternoon just to see how things are going.  The end of August will bring some vacation days and while the time off will definitely be savored, it will be different from the vacations of the past.  Summer will soon be over and the beautiful colors of Fall will surround us.  Time marches on, life keeps advancing and some of us are ‘weeping forward’ in the process. I know it won’t last forever, this ‘weeping forward’.  I know some day it will just be ‘forward’.  Some day. Until then, I am glad for a Savior who is patient and kind and ever-present.  I’m thankful for friends and family who realize my heart is in recovery.  I’m grateful for the assurance that “….he who believes in me (Jesus) will live, even though he dies;”  John 11:25-26

Those who sow in tears will reap with songs of joy.       Psalm 126:5