Author: JEV

Today is our anniversary.  Our 30th.  Eric and I are not celebrating the way I had thought we would be.  We had talked about the possibility of a wonderful trip, perhaps out west; a couple weeks with an agenda of nothing more than being together.  Two best friends on an adventure and loving every minute of it. I can’t help but think what this day would be like if Eric was here.

What I think of most is the smiles we would be sharing and the completely care-free way we would be approaching this milestone!  We would have started the day as usual, with quiet time and prayer together being very grateful for the love we shared.

Things may not be the way I want them to be but today is special and even though I can’t hold my man, look in his eyes and tell him how wonderful I think he is, I can still celebrate.  I have loved one man with all my being for thirty years and for 28 of those was loved and cherished beyond what I could have hoped for.  We weathered tough times and came out strong.  We laughed together, challenged each other to greater heights, believed in each other and became what the other needed as the situation called for; soul mates in every since of the word. I dare say a marriage such as ours is a rare and precious thing.  It’s definitely something to celebrate – even alone.

So today there will be no anniversary card or dinner together.  But I have great memories and can honestly say I have no doubt that I was blessed with the best!  I also never had to wonder if I was loved so today that is not a question either.  If you love someone, please tell him or her regularly. Take advantage of your time together and share your heart always.

Eric used to say I was a romantic through and through and that there wasn’t a romantic bone in his body!  I would have to say that’s true even though there were times he surprised us both and rose to the occasion with a flourish.  However, I think leaving me alone on our 30thanniversary is about the most unromantic thing he’s ever done and I’d razz him about it mercilessly if I could!

Happy anniversary, Handsome.  Thank you for giving me all you had to give and being more than I could have dreamed.  You are absent in body but present in my heart and I love you still.

Therefore a man shall leave his father and mother and be joined to his wife, and they shall become one flesh.

Genesis 2:24

Amazing grace, how sweet the sound that saved a wretch like me.
I once was lost but now am found, was blind but now I see.

~~~~~

Are you lonesome tonight?  Do you miss me tonight?
Are you sorry that we are apart?
Does your memory stray to a bright sunny day
When I kissed you and called you sweetheart?

~~~~~

When Christ shall come with shouts of acclamation,
and take me home,
what joy shall fill my heart!
Then I shall bow
in humble adoration
and there proclaim,
“My God, how great Thou art!”

~~~~~

They said I’d never make it, they said it would not last.
They said I’d never get away from all that’s in my past.
They said I would not last a day, they said I’d be right back.
But here I am still with You, Lord
And I wonder where they’re at.

Oh, You and me, Jesus, we sure fooled them all.
They just thought they knew for sure that I was gonna fall.
Well, I’m sure far from perfect as You can plainly see
But after all these years, oh Lord, it’s still You and me.

~~~~~
Golde…Do you love me?
Do I what?
Do you love me?
I’m your wife.
I know… But do you love me?

Do I love him?
For twenty-five years I’ve lived with him
Fought with him, starved with him
Twenty-five years my bed is his
If that’s not love, what is?

Then you love me?
I suppose I do.
And I suppose I love you, too
(Both)
It doesn’t change a thing, but even so
After twenty-five years it’s nice to know.

~~~~~

They shall lift up their voice they shall sing for joy
They shall cry aloud and be free.
They will glorify the name of the Lord,
It’s the Blood Bought, the Church, the Redeemed!

~~~~~

Whoa! My love, my darling,
I hunger for your touch,
Alone. Lonely time.
And time goes by, so slowly,
And time can do so much,
Are you still mine?
I need your love.
I need your love.
God speed your love to me.

~~~~~

How can I keep from singing Your praise
How can I ever say enough;
How amazing is Your love!
How can I keep from shouting Your name?
I know I am loved by the King
And it makes my heart want to sing.

~~~~~

What will you do with the time that’s left?
Will you live it all with no regret?
Will they say that you loved till your final breath?
What will you do with the time that’s left.

~~~~~

Happy Birthday, Eric.

18 months ago today, (actually Wednesday, since this didn’t get posted on time!) life changed big time and I have been on a roller coaster ever since.  Sometimes life feels like it is doing constant loops and other times it just seems to be racing straight ahead so fast I can’t see where the track is leading.  There have been surprise tunnels, quick turns and slow chugging up big hills.  I have experienced those breath-taking moments right before the drop and the times you hold on more tightly than you thought possible because you are just certain you are going to fall out and hit the pavement.  The one thing I haven’t experienced is the ride’s end; perhaps that’s actually a good thing.  I may not like being on a roller coaster – emotionally or in the natural! – but at least I’m still on the ride!

One thing we like to tell people when they face hard situations is “it will get easier.”  I’ve said it myself many times.  It’s true, but not always in the way we mean it.  “Easier”, in my case, hasn’t meant “back to normal” which is what we seem to imply will happen.  As a family we have had some fun times over the last year and a half, but they haven’t been all we’re used to because a key person is missing.  We are adjusting, forging a new normal, but to say that’s easier isn’t so – not just yet.

We are grateful to have celebrated my mom and dad’s 50^th Wedding Anniversary!  Not many families get to do that these days and my three siblings and I and all the subsequent in-laws and grandkids are proud to have parents who are such good examples and love us, each other and God with all their being. We spent a long weekend together along the Ohio River and, as usual, enjoyed being together just having fun. Eric and  I will never get to celebrate our 50^th anniversary but I will celebrate with gusto alongside all in our family who do!

We also welcomed a new blessing into the family.  On July 9^th, Owen Eric Timothy VanBuskirk made his arrival after a long day of labor.  My daughter-in-law, Kristyn, allowed me the privilege of being with her, Christopher and her mom Karen during those hours and the delivery.  She could not have given me a more meaningful gift than allowing me to share that experience with them.  It was a long day with a couple of really hard hours toward the end and I am so proud of the way she handled things and made decisions with her son in mind instead of herself.  There were times her mom and I were almost in tears but she never lost her focus or wavered in her determination.  Owen was born and we all cheered and felt relief that labor was over.  He is a blessing with beautiful eyes and parents and a big sister who adore him.

We have also made it through Father’s Day, Kids Camp, summer and vacation without Eric.  Perhaps that doesn’t sound like such a big deal to you, but, believe me, to us it’s progress.  We have remodeled a room in the house and that’s a big deal.  We’ve had to handle situations without Eric’s wisdom or prayers for direction and that’s big deal.  But we’re making it.  We’re discovering our way and trying to do our best.  Unless you have been where we are, it’s hard to describe just how many things change.  Even when you know someone is a central point in your life, when they are no longer here you realize how many ways they impacted your daily life and how much a part of you they really were.

God has picked us up, directed us, forgiven us, encouraged us, challenged us, and been patient, gentle and constant.  I do not know how people handle such life changing events without Him – or why they’d want to.  I am grateful for the many people He has placed around us who have prayed, called, sent cards, listened, advised or given hugs.  Without you, this road would be tougher, longer and lonelier.  You are as appreciated now as you were 18 months ago when all this was new to us.  Thank you.

Enjoy the remaining summer days and soak up all the sunshine you can.  Make sure you tell someone today how special they are.  Take time to hug the one(s) you love.  Smile and remember God is crazy in love with you (to quote a friend!)!!

Now may the God of peace make you holy in every way,
and may your whole spirit and soul and body be kept blameless
until our Lord Jesus Christ comes again.
God will make this happen, for he who calls you is faithful.
Dear brothers and sisters, pray for us.
I Thessalonians 5:23-25

…Oh say does that Star Spangled Banner yet wave,
over the land of the free
and the home of the brave?

 

If my people who are called by my name
will humble themselves and pray
and seek my face and turn from their wicked ways,
I will hear from heaven and will forgive their sins
and restore their land.

II Chronicles 7:14

Father God,
         Thank you for what this day means to us in America.  It is hard for us to imagine what it was really like to make the decision to become a free and independent country.  We sometimes forget the sacrifices made by those who signed the necessary documents and those who went to battle.  We know how the story ends so we often gloss over the determination it took to give us the freedoms we now have. 
         Sometimes we also forget that it is Your hand of blessing that has kept us all along the way.  As a nation we have, at times, acted as though You were not needed.  Many times we do what we want hoping you won’t mind.  By our actions we say You are secondary and we are primary and our desires must come before Yours.  Please forgive us for this arrogance.
         Lord Jesus, we need Your intervention in this nation.  Left on our own we will most assuredly ruin the blessed position you have given us.  Forgive us for trying to make sure Your name cannot be mentioned in public and for allowing those who do not desire Your presence to speak louder than those who love You.  Forgive those who follow You for compromising when we shouldn’t and for wrongly representing You with hateful words when the battle is heated. 
         We ask for your continued blessing and guidance over America. Jesus, direct the decisions made by our legislatures and judiciaries.  We want to be a nation that seeks to do Your will not one that says we know best. Keep us from making any more laws that are contrary to the laws You have already set in place.  Where we have made legal the things You say are ungodly, cause those foundations to crumble so we can build on the solid foundation of Your Word. 
         Allow us to become a country that acknowledges You with respect and reverence because we are humble and submitted to You.  We have chosen to ignore that You are the reason we have prospered and are foolish enough to believe we can do better without you.  We repent for such an attitude.
         Please watch over those in governmental positions.  Exalt the humble and those that are true public servants.  We pray everyone holding public office will realize the trust that has been placed in them and that they will find they cannot do their job correctly without involving You in their daily life.  Humble those for whom pride is a problem and teach them true servanthood.  Expose those who make deals in secret and who live contrary to the image they present to the public. 
         We pray for our President asking You to watch over him and his staff and to guide them in all their decisions.  Expose secrets and plots where they are detrimental to our nation.  Speak so loudly they can’t help but hear You and cause any plan of action that is contrary to Your will to fall to the ground.  We ask for a spiritual revival to take place among the White House staff and for prayer to be a constant in its halls.  Place true Godly counselors among our President’s advisors and give him a heart to listen to them.  Replace his agenda with Yours.
         Lastly, teach us, Your church, to fully rely upon You.  Teach us to fight the battles You choose and not those we create by stubbornness, hatefulness and pride.  We want to see Your power and glory prevalent in this nation and we repent for allowing our culture to dictate the standard to us instead of us effectively teaching Your standards to the culture.  Help us to not be afraid to stand for righteousness and call others into accountability.  Teach us to do those things with love and joy.  
         We ask Your blessing on America.  May we truly be one nation, under God, indivisible, with liberty and justice for all.

More and more I am realizing how the lense we view life from affects the way we think about things. Right now I view things from the lense of widowhood. Unless you have had this experience, you may not see things the way I do and may not understand why I see them that way. To break it down even farther, unless you are a widow/widower who had the same type of relationship with your spouse as I did with Eric, our lenses will be different still. Same experience, different view.
Everything that happens to us helps create our lense. I suppose that’s why some people are happy all the time and others struggle to see good in the daily events of their life. For the child who is unloved or never gets positive reinforcement, life can be a constant battle for acceptance and approval. Even long into adulthood their lense can be one of inferiority even though they are top notch in their field. Then there is the teenager who gives away their virginity way too cheaply and way too early thus beginning the struggle of feeling like second rate goods for the rest of their life. Think about the man caught stealing then lives the rest of his life feeling as though that’s all he’s remembered for or the woman who had an abortion and can’t get away from the memory.
Not all lenses are a struggle though. A good marriage makes life happier. An encouraged child looks forward to new things. Having that longed for baby, loosing 50 pounds, overcoming a bad habit or finally finishing the classes required for that Bachelors Degree are all things that make our point of view a little brighter.
Because of our lense, it can often be hard to see things from someone else’s perspective. We often don’t understand why they don’t see or think like we do and we become frustrated with their optimism or pessimism depending on how they are viewing things. (Yes, people do become frustrated with optimists – those annoyingly happy people!) There are times we need to be reminded that their feelings are real, they aren’t just being difficult; their lense is a bit cloudy at the moment.
There also comes a point in time when we have to clean our own lense. Events and experiences can cause our focus to become less than balanced and we need to examine the lense and change it where necessary – clean it, line it up or maybe even replace it. We are responsible for our own lense, others can tell us what maintenance needs done but it’s our job to do it. Sometimes refusing to examine our lense leaves us in a self-imposed bondage to past experiences. The experiences may not have been self-imposed, but the choice to live in their shadow is.
I did not choose the lense I have right now. At the same time I realize I can’t change it so I have to walk through it. Yes, I see things differently than I did two years ago. I also see them differently than I did a year ago. I can’t help it that I see through the lense of widowhood and grief – I don’t even like this lense – but none-the-less, it’s mine. Now I have to fine-tune it so I can discover what God wants me to see through it.
We should always remember that our lense is different from everyone elses to some degree and be patient with those who struggle. We should also remember that we can’t use a cloudy lense as an excuse to be difficult or give up. Being patient doesn’t mean being quiet and non-confrontational and having a faulty lense doesn’t give us the right to make it a crutch.
I Corinthians 13:12 tells us we don’t see things clearly, that we only know pieces of things. We also know that we have a Redeemer (Galatians 3:13). It wasn’t God’s original plan that we die, deal with sickness, encounter rape, suffer financial disaster or get our heart broken, so when sin sought to suffocate us with those things, He provided redemption through the thing most precious to Him – His son. The enemy of our soul wants to keep our lense dark and out of focus (I Peter 5:8) but God says He has come to give us life and give it in abundance (John 10:10). I believe I’ll trust God on this one.
If things are out of focus, seek God. If your lense is cloudy, do a little spiritual housecleaning. If you put yourself in this rotten position, repent and move forward. If circumstances beyond your control brought you here, hold on tight and allow God to walk you through the obstacle course. He IS faithful and loves us very much.

He who has begun a good work in you will
Complete it until the day of Jesus Christ.
Philippians 1:6 NKJV

          I don’t know what it was like today where you live, but at my house it was beautiful. The sky was a wonderful color of blue with picture perfect fluffy white clouds. The corn in the field behind our house is a gorgeous green and watching it dance in the breeze that was blowing all day was just plain calming. We live in a great location and today’s beauty is just one of the reasons we feel that way. A friend told me she recently drove by our house, something she hasn’t done in a while, and thought it seemed quite like a retreat! Honestly, we have always considered it just that. Our home is a gift from God and we express our thanks to him on a regular basis.                            
           Granted, it was hot. Sweltering in some cases depending on my activity level! Our electric was off in the early morning which meant no air conditioning. Nathaniel and I opened all the windows and let the breeze cool the house as much as possible (anyone remember the days when that was the air conditioner?). I left them open even after the electric was up and running again. There was just something nice about hearing the breeze and feeling it when I walked by a door or window. Since I was the only one home, I could get by with that….Eric and the kids would not have thought it was such a good idea!
          In the afternoon I stopped working and sat on the front porch swing. Eric and I used to do that a lot. If we had spent the day fixing things or cleaning we’d grab a cup of ice water (or coffee for one of us ) and sit on the swing just talking, loving the day and thanking God for so many blessings. Today the swing was only occupied by one (which is a good thing because it’s cracking in some spots) but my thoughts were of two. I have heard there will come a time when I will realize I have gone a whole day and not thought of Eric; that time has not come for me. He is still very much in my heart and thoughts especially on days like today.
          Tomorrow is Father’s Day. Our family will gather and we will celebrate. We are missing a dad from our ranks but we still have some good ones to be thankful for. We are a blessed family. We are missing a key element and we all feel that loss but there is much to be thankful for and we will concentrate on those things.
          We are thankful Eric was a father who loved deeply. There was not a day he did not pray for his children – for their safety, their direction in life and their relationship with Jesus. Being a dad was a true pleasure to him and he was proud of his kids. I miss hearing his prayers for them and am not quite certain they are not being said even now(You think?)   
          We are thankful for my dad’s health and recovery from cancer these past few years. He’s another dad who loves much and we are glad to celebrate with him tomorrow. My brothers have wonderful children and tomorrow when we’re all together it will be chaotic and noisy and great fun!
          Then, there are my own grandchildren. Number six will be here in a few weeks and Christopher will be a father twice over. The generations keep going and we are blessed by the new additions to the family. I wish Eric could see his son being a father. There’s nothing quite like that and it would be so fun to see them together. Madilynn, Alivia, Sam and Jack were  all held by him and he knew them even if only for a short time. Aubri, Owen and any others we get to have will not have that privilege. They will never know Papaw Eric and I wish that was different, but he will still influence their lives as we pass on his values and share stories of him. He is not with us but they will know him.
          I want to encourage all fathers today to pray for their children. Every family has its own set of circumstances and not many families are “picture perfect” but every father can pray. You may not live in the same household as your children but you can pray. Perhaps your children are grown and the opportunity to share their childhood is long gone; you can still pray. Maybe your children are experiencing that difficult transition from child to adult and things are uncharacteristically strained between you – pray. There is no greater gift you can give your children than your prayers. There is no greater investment you can make in their character than to pray for them.
Prayer will do what you cannot. Prayer will benefit them long after you are gone – I know that for a fact.
          I realize we typically give gifts to fathers on this day rather than tell them what gift they can give, but take it from someone who had a praying husband – prayer is the gift that keeps on giving and you won’t regret the time you invest. After all, it’s really not the one with the most toys that wins, it’s the one with the family that’s sold out to Jesus through thick and thin.
                                                 …and he will turn
                                    The hearts of the fathers to the children,
                                 And the hearts of the children to their fathers,…
                                               Malachi 4:6 NKJV

           We have come past the 15 month mark. We have celebrated Easter, NDP, Mother’s Day and my parents’ 50th wedding anniversary.  This weekend our nephew will graduate from High School and today Christy got her first “official” job!  Aubri changes almost daily, Madilynn will complete 5th grade next week,  Alivia has learned something new every time I talk to her and Sam and Jack can now drive down to “Mimi Net’s” in their own John Deere Gator!  So many things are changing and I really, truly wish Eric was here to share these blessings with us.
          I realize at this point I should “be over it” – at least that’s what some would think. “It” of course is referring to the death of the one you love most in this world. You don’t just “get over” a loss like that. Recovery takes time and recovering from death can take a long time. A heart can be a hard thing to mend.
          However, I have realized there is a huge difference between “getting over it” and adapting to it. My heart is far from “over it” but daily I am adapting. Lately when people ask how I am doing the best response I can give is that I’m adjusting. I don’t like the fact that Eric is not here to kiss me good morning or good night, but I’m adjusting.
I am sad that he doesn’t get to see Aubri’s expressions or hear her laugh but that doesn’t keep me from enjoying her. I hate it there are no motorcycle rides together on beautiful spring days but I still find pleasure in the bright blue sky and warm sunshine. I’m adjusting. Things are a little emptier, sometimes a lot less fun and my thoughts are always with him but I have many reasons to smile and be thankful so I try to focus on those. I don’t put on my dancing shoes every morning but I don’t put on mourning cloth either.
          Of course there are times the tears come even when I try to keep them corralled. There are days when I just want to sleep and pretend I’ll wake up and it will all have been a bad dream. Sometimes I think of plans we had made that will never become reality and there are times when just remembering his laugh brings an ache in my heart so deep it’s hard to describe. This is the course of grief. But as a Christian, I can’t stay in those places. Consider (part of) this song by Chris Rice:
                      Every day is a bank account and time is our currency So nobody’s rich, nobody’s poor we get 24  hours each.  So how are you gonna spend – will you invest, or squander, try to get ahead or help someone who’s under?
                    Teach us to count the days, teach us to make the days count. Lead us in better ways that somehow our soul’s forgot.  Life means so much. Life means so much. Life means so much.  (Life Means So Much)

          I do not know why things are as they are but I have to trust God’s plans (Proverbs 3:5-6). I have no idea what my purpose is now but God does (Jeremiah 29:11). He is constant (Hebrews 13:8), faithful (Hebrews 10:23), compassionate (Psalms 86:15), present (Matthew 28:20) and loving (John 3:16). He guides (Psalm 23:2-3) provides (Matthew 11:28) and holds me close (Psalm 23:4). He hasn’t forgotten me (Isaiah 49:16).

          A quote on my perpetual calendar this week reminded me “I am on earth for God not for me.”
This I must always remember.  So must you.

          Please pray for Pastor Aaron and his family.  Mike’s mom, Aaron’s grandmother, passed away Monday morning. She has been reunited with people she has loved and been separated from – some for a very long time – and even though she is well and whole, her family misses her.  They have begun the process of adjusting.  Your prayers will be a blessing to them.

          This weekend a good friend of ours joined Eric in Glory. Lyle Bainter was a man who loved God and loved telling others about Him. He fought cancer for several years and did so with grace and faith giving glory to God all the way to the finish. Please pray for his wife Judy and their family in the days to come.
          Lyle’s life wasn’t picture perfect, preacher or not. Several years ago he made a return to his First Love and did so with great joy not wasting any time making up for lost years. A smile accompanied Lyle most all the time and a good word for others went with it. The man was truly a blessing.
          At Church T’s early morning prayer today, as one of the girls was praying for Lyle’s family, I had a mental picture of him that I have thought about all day. In this picture Lyle was joyfully giving Eric a “high five” and hugs and they were both totally excited and laughing. I could sense others around them although I don’t know who they were. I just know Lyle and Eric were celebrating.
          It was like Eric had been standing at the finish line waiting on Lyle and when Lyle crossed the line they were both exuberant yet casual, as though it was expected. It reminded me of watching a relay team run and then stand waiting at the finish line for the last one of the team to make it home. The team only wins when everyone on it has completed the race. I think Lyle and Eric are waiting there still for several more people on their team to finish at the right time.
          Many times over the last year as I have tried to visualize what it must be like in Heaven I don’t remember ever thinking of Eric laughing as I saw him today. I know I have pictured him happy and carefree, but not excited like he was when Lyle crossed the line. It wasn’t like Lyle being there was a surprise to him and for the first time I sensed the reality of each of us making it Home. In Heaven it’s not like it is here for us. In Heaven they are where they’re supposed to be. It’s foreign for us to not have them here, but they are perfectly comfortable and fulfilled.
          For someone who misses her husband so much that’s a strange way to think of it but it is also encouraging. Somehow in that split second vision I felt, really felt, what it must be like to truly make it to the end of the race as we know it. I don’t think there is any sadness on their part that they left early, or left loved ones, or didn’t get to do all the things they purposed in their heart. I think they are Home and that’s what matters. I’m sure you’re thinking of the same scripture I am:
 I have fought the good fight,  I have finished the race,  I have kept the faith.
 Finally, there is laid up for me the crown of righteousness, which the Lord,
 the righteous Judge, will give to me on that Day,  and not to me only
 but also to all who have loved His appearing.
                                                                 2 Tim 4:7-8 NKJV

          If only I could see Eric right now, celebrating with all those who finished the course before him and anxiously waiting for all those yet to cross the finish line. That’s reality; where we are is only temporary. Neither Lyle or Eric or Frosty or May and Roger or Bill or Patty or Pansy or Lorraine or Sandy or Danny or Neal or Jamie or the countless others we have loved and miss will ever fight another fight of faith. They have kept the faith and won the race. What a promise for the rest of us to cling to!

        Today I took that big lug of a dog of ours for a short walk down the road.  My mind traveled to the many, many times Eric and I have walked that road.  In the early years we carried the kids.  Later they walked alongside and soon were riding their bicycles as we walked.  In more recent years it was just the two of us talking, planning, sharing and even just being quiet enjoying one another’s company. The kids have even walked that road with their own sweethearts. 

        I remembered long ago when we made a picnic lunch, took our little Christopher and went into the field which was full of weeds and were so excited because it was our field, we had land for a home.  There were only two other houses on the road and the road itself was just gravel and we were an extremely happy young couple.

        I remembered with much gratefulness the church family who decided to build us a home and then spent countless hours making that happen, smiling all the while as they gave their time, energy and finances to our family.  We have always loved our home and have thanked God for it – and those who gave it – many times over. 

        As I walked and looked down the road it was hard to realize we will never again walk that road together.  Our planning days are over and some dreams will never come true.  There will be no joyful walks with Grandma and Grandpa, just Grandma.    Tonight was just a moment when once again I realized so many things have changed.

        Sometimes when I realize Eric’s life here has ended, I wonder what he is doing now.  How much do we change when we get there?  Is there so much to see that we just walk around with our mouths hanging open in awe?  Do we have responsibilities? 

Author Victor Hugo spoke of anticipating his work in heaven: “I haven’t given utterance to the thousandth part of what lies within me.  When I go to the grave I can say, ‘My day’s work is done.’ But I cannot say, ‘my life is done.’ My work will recommence the next morning.  The tomb is not a blind alley; it is a thoroughfare.  It closes upon the twilight, but it opens upon dawn.” (The Word For You Today, March 2006)

Beth Moore says (again, in the Esther study – I’m telling you, it’s really good), “Destiny is beyond the casket all the way to the Kingdom.”  “Death is not our destiny – God’s Kingdom after His return in still to come.”!  There’s life you and I can only imagine at this point in time. 

It’s difficult to picture what Eric might be filling his time with.  You see, we seldom went more than a couple of days without talking to each other; only when he was out of the country did that happen and there is no way for me to ask him about his life now.  I wish I could.  I wish I could hear him describe all he has seen and who he has seen and what he still wants to see.  I wish we could share this journey as we did every other journey for 28+ years.  One thing I’m sure of, if he was given a task to do he is doing it with a full heart.  He loved serving Jesus when he was here in this fallen world; what a joy it must be to serve Him in a perfect place.  

One of our assignments while studying Esther was to read Psalm 30:1-3 and 11-12 then complete the parts she left blank.  Here is my completion with my comments in italics:

 I will exalt You, O Lord, for You have held me tight.

 and did not let my enemies gloat over me.  O Lord my God,

 I called to You for help and you have been patient and kind.

 O Lord, You brought me up from the grave, you spared me from

 crawling inside myself.  You turned my wailing into dancing, you

removed my sackcloth and clothed me with desire to keep

moving that my heart may sing to you and not be silent.  O  

Lord my God, I will give you praise forever.

 

        I am also reminded of Psalm 126:5-6:

                   Those who sow in tears shall reap in joy. 

                   He who continually goes forth weeping,

                   bearing seed for sowing, shall doubtless come again

                   with rejoicing bringing his sheaves with him.

 

        Did you catch that?  The part about bringing his sheaves with him? The sheaves are a harvest.  There will be a harvest even in the midst of this grieving and ache. This is not just about one man’s family or church – it’s about a harvest.  We are not grieving and presenting Jesus with an empty basket; the Word says there will be a harvest in our basket!  I want to make sure our basket is as full as it’s possible to be.  When time is no more and Jesus has set up His kingdom I want Church Triumphant and those who have been touched by Eric’s life to have so many heavy baskets we have to recruit help to present them at the throne!  I want Eric’s death to reap a harvest that all of us can be part of.  I want each hardship every believer faces to be turned into a harvest.  Then we’ll be able to say:

       

Then our mouth was filled with laughter,

         And our tongue with singing.

         Then they said among the nations,

        The Lord has done great things for them…

                                                      Psalm 126:2

 

        Why don’t you fill in the “blanks” from Psalm 30:1-3, 11-12 with your own thoughts.  Remind yourself of what God has done for you.  I don’t have dancing yet, there is still much morning.  I don’t wear sackcloth for real, but it’s there on the inside.  However, I know God heals and restores and I’m sure one day, one day, here or in glory I will burst forth in dance and there will be joy for mourning.  I’m sure I won’t be dancing alone!

 

     

 

 

 

        It’s Thursday.  How many “family days” without Eric does this make.  I’m not sure.  Around 55 or 56.  Maybe the fact that I don’t know is a good thing.  At least I’m not keeping a tally of the days off together we’ve missed and I’m not keeping a running total of the number of days or weeks since he left.  That’s a little bit of progress. 

        We have finished our Grief Share class and the material as well as the evenings spent together sharing our thoughts was definitely helpful.  We all agreed it was well worth our time and all of us were pleased with the useful teaching. 

        I have learned again and again throughout the past months that grieving is an intensely individual journey.  None of us who loved Eric grieve the same over the same things at the same time.  For some the grieving process will end more quickly than others.  That’s ok.  It’s also ok to give it whatever time is necessary.  Each day is another step in the journey.  The important thing is that we keep walking. 

        Not only have I been attending a Grief Share class, I have also been participating in a Beth Moore DVD study of the book of Esther.  What a study it has been!  I have cried my way through almost every lesson for one reason or another.  She has touched my heart and even made it stop at times. 

        When I feel those tears coming I try to just let them flow quietly because I figure that’s less noticeable than if I start wiping them away or hyperventilating from trying to hold them back (!), but somehow a friend beside me seems to know because a tissue will magically appear in my hand.  Sometimes I think they pull those tissues out before I even start crying just because they can sense what’s coming.  Perhaps we are all having our heart massaged by God although for different reasons. 

        Allow me to quote a part of this study of Esther for you:

            “Beloved, do we believe that the only way to do something acceptably is to do it perfectly?  Sometimes God is more aware than we of just how much He requires of us.  He knows how hard it’s going to be for us.  

        I’m not suggesting we shouldn’t do our best.  I’m simply saying that sometimes just surviving certain tasks without falling apart is our best and in those times God is not ashamed of our performance.  He’s proud of us for fighting overwhelming human emotions to do His will.  God isn’t interested in our stellar performance but in our hearts.  He loves our willingness and obedience despite our insecurities.”(pg 112) 

 

 

        I’m telling you, that one brought out the Kleenex.  I feel like I fumble my way through every day.  My mind isn’t always where it should be.  Sometimes a memory has captured it and taken it away somewhere.  My heart is still so sad and trying to learn to function with a big hole in it which can sometimes cause me to be very unproductive and withdrawn.  To know that God is not ashamed of me brings a comfort that is tremendously hard to describe. 

        Even when we are not grieving we have other issues.  We face uncertainty or big decisions or turmoil or strife that can cause us to feel as though we aren’t doing what God is requiring.  Perhaps we aren’t, but God knows our heart.  Isn’t that something?  God knows our heart.  Sometimes I’m not sure of my own heart, but God is.  He holds it gently and takes care of it as we allow Him to calm us and bring healing.  That’s not just for those of us dealing with the loss that death brings, it’s for all of us, in every circumstance. 

        Another thing from the Esther study is a quote from page 73:

              “When all is said and done, Satan can’t win and you can’t lose” You can’t lose as long as you leave your heart in God’s care.  He understands …. and He’s victorious.”

 
                               Not by might nor by power,but by My Spirit,
                                 Says the LORD of hosts.    Zech 4:6 NKJV