JEV

Here we are, ending our eighth year since Eric died. It seems almost impossible. Can it really have been that long ago yet often seem as though no time has passed? Isn’t it odd how that happens – that time can fly and stand still all at once?

Most people are now used to me being a ‘single’; I actually have friends who never knew me as a married person. Another fact that seems odd to me but, hey, it’s reality. Reality is that my life is vastly different than it was nine years ago. Many, many things are different; not bad, just different. Adjustments have been made, new ventures enjoyed and life is still a precious gift.

I have adjusted to sleeping alone, bypassing the mens department when shopping, not making coffee daily….or twice daily….or even more often 😊. I no longer automatically expect Eric to be home when I get there nor do I pick up my phone to give him a call when something amazing happens. I am used to traveling without him, making changes to our home and knowing there is no one else to consider when writing events on my calendar. These things that once were such typical parts of my life exist no longer, but I have adjusted. And I am happy.

However, I have not adjusted to praying alone, not starting the day with a hug and a kiss or being pampered on a regular basis. I don’t like checking the box that says ‘widow’ or trying to find a handyman for all those annoying projects around the house. I miss having a truly honest sounding board and being the center of his attention. It’s sad to have memories that no one else shares because the only other person who experienced them with you is missing. These are adjustments I have not made. But I am happy.

Out of necessity, people who used to be central parts of my life are people I hardly see any more. I might not ‘see’ them at all if it wasn’t for Facebook! Looking at their pictures, reading their posts and realizing how far apart we’ve grown can make me rather nostalgic. Then I think about all the new friends God has blessed me with and I get almost giddy. I have renewed friendships and enjoy the company of some people I did not know nine years ago. I count myself very blessed because of them! And I am happy.

So many emotions. So many questions. So many tears. Loosing a spouse is a roller coaster ride at best, a horrible nightmare at it’s worst. It’s a step-by-step, day-by-day decision to come out on the other side and be able to say “I am happy”. It may be a different kind of happy, but it’s happy. There was a time I was not convinced I would ever be able to say that. And since I’m still moving forward, maybe someday I’ll be able to say it is the same kind of happy I used to have. Maybe my heart will be full again in all aspects. Who knows. But if not, it’s ok because I am happy now. I am amazed at God’s faithfulness and kindness. His grace truly is amazing and His patience must be, well, indescribable! If you are walking this road as I have, take heart because you do not walk alone. Jesus walks with you and He slows down when you need to and prods you a little when you need it. You will be happy, truly happy, as you allow Him to mend your heart. You can trust Him …… He loves you beyond compare.

…“Yes, I have loved you with an everlasting love;
Therefore with lovingkindness I have drawn you.
Again I will build you, and you shall be rebuilt,…
Jeremiah 31:3-4

https://www.youtube.com/embed/eUHRDCYnFfg“>Enjoy this beautiful song.

Sometimes there are things I want to shout as loudly as I can. Things like “Slow Down!” It seems like we all have so much to do and we can’t seem to convince ourselves it’s ok to relax or do nothing for a bit. It’s an art trying to keep an updated activity calendar! There’s so much jostling and rearranging and squeezing in going on that it’s exhausting just looking at what we have planned for the next 30 days.
Being busy isn’t always the best use of our time. That ‘stop and smell the roses’ cliche has some merit. How many things do we miss when we schedule an activity away from home rather than a game night around the table? Do you notice how blue the sky is and the images the wind creates as it blows the clouds around? Enjoying silence even for just a few minutes can be healing to mind, body and spirit. A good book can’t truly be savored without time to simply sit and read. Slow Down! It’s not a sin. 😊
What about shouting “Failure Isn’t Final”? That’s something I’d like to shout …. often….at myself! We are never going to get everything right. Even with our best intentions we are going to mess up and feel awful about it, maybe even cry or retreat to our solitary place away from probing eyes. No matter how much we’d like to live without making costly mistakes, it’s not going to happen. We now know what not to do and we’ve added a piece to our story that will eventually help someone else. If we don’t try because we are afraid of failing we are only half living. Be wise, be cautious, count the cost but don’t let fear of failure rob you.
“Let Jesus Define You” needs to be shouted continuously. All to often we decide who we are based on what our family/friends/co-workers expect us to be. Even worse, we decide who we are based on the things we know we lack. Why is it so much easier to see our weaknesses than our strengths? And when we see them, why do we stop there? Why don’t we counter those negatives with positives?
We need to train ourselves to say what Jesus says. Yes, I mean train. We have equated humility with not allowing ourselves to believe we are capable, wonderful, efficient or amazing. Humility isn’t being ‘less than’ – it’s making sure those around you don’t feel ‘less than’. Jesus considers us to be precious, anointed, loved, chosen, beautiful, strong…..and many more wonderful things; let’s not buy the lie of the enemy that we aren’t allowed to believe those things. Read the Bible, find out what Jesus says and train yourself to battle the world’s negatives with His positives!
“Have More Fun” Those who know me might say I want to shout this just because I love to have fun and they could be right! I think a day without laughter is not complete. I think doing something just because you enjoy it should be part of every (normal, whatever that is) day. Five minutes of fun beats no minutes of fun. I’ve had times in my life where laughter was not normal and it was too much work to have fun. I’m sure you have, too. Thank God those are seasons and not permanent.
If we take ourselves or our days too seriously, we miss the joy God intends to accompany us here on earth. All we have to do is spend time with each other and laughter comes easily because humans are funny creatures! A good way to make sure your day will include some fun is to learn to laugh at yourself (it’s a big stress reliever, too). Also, make sure when you are filling that calendar you leave some play dates available; they are good for adults as well as kids 😊
I believe we are to enjoy our life and it’s the devil’s job to see that we don’t. It’s easy to slip into ways of thinking that Jesus never intended us to so, as we start a new year, become aware of the ways you are being cheated out of enjoying the life you’ve been given. Then shout to others and spread the good word!

And so I heartily recommended that you pursue joy,
for the best a person can do under the sun is to enjoy life.
Eat, drink, and be happy. If this is your attitude,
joy will carry you through the toil every day that
God gives you under the sun.
Ecclesiastes 8:15 (The Voice)

The Daughter was on the couch wrapped in her favorite blanket holding an untouched chai latte while His book laid open on her lap.

How did this work? She’s been pondering it for days and still couldn’t understand. Actually, she had been pondering it for months, even years but the past few days it had been a focal point.

It was that time of year when thoughts of love were bittersweet. Her memories made her smile but they were all of the past and there would be no new ones. No new experiences together to make her heart sing. No surprise gifts, no secrets shared, no future to dream about. But that wasn’t really where her focus had been lately.

The Daughter looked once again at His book. It was this love she was struggling with. This love she didn’t understand. How, when she was so imperfect, could He promise a love that will never fail? Why would He make such a promise? Yet even that wasn’t what truly caused her wonderings.

Taking a sip of the latte and stroking the cat who had joined her on the couch, she pondered the idea that there was nothing she could do to add to that love. He would love her even if she didn’t love Him? But she did love Him, which brought on it’s own set of questions. Just as He wouldn’t love her less if she was awful, He wouldn’t love her more if she was perfect. Say what?! If she fulfills all His plans for her or messes up things completely, the depth of love is still the same? If she looses her temper or keeps her cool, is selfless or selfish, works hard or is lazy, His love stays the same? How wonderful! But wait, that means the jerk down the street and the hussy at work are loved as much as she is? For real? Back to square one: how can this be?

His book says this love is for everyone. His book says a price has been paid for everyone to have the love. His book says….oh so many things about His love. Then she realized something. Maybe she was getting it after all! Doing what would please Him was a way for her to say thanks for His love! Every act of obedience, kindness or giving was like saying, ‘I love you’! While the jerk down the street or the hussy at the office may very well be loved, if they don’t acknowledge the love or ever find joy in expressing love for Him, they lose the benefits of being loved at all. She wasn’t trying to rack up points, she was expressing love! Racking up points was unnecessary!

Maybe one kind of love was no longer in her life, but love wasn’t all together lost. While missing the love of her Handsome, the Daughter was overwhelmed by a Love that was truly unconditional and found pleasure in the gifts she could give.

John 3:16
Hebrews 13:5
Matthew 6:1-4
Psalm 37:23-24

Eric, Seven years is a long time to go without hearing your voice or seeing your smile yet I am forever thankful for the 28 years we had. I can’t wait to see you again and tell you all that has happened but I have a feeling your experiences have been much more exciting than mine! You have my heart; I miss you still. Love goes on.

 

Learning to be yourself is a worthwhile pursuit but if I am to be myself and you are to be yourself and we are different, then we need to accept those differences in each other. THAT can take more effort than we care to exert!

Anne of Green Gables is one of my all-time favorite movie series. I love the characters, the scenery, the story line…I just love it! One of the things in the show that always makes me laugh is the dynamic caused by the character Rachel Lynde. She is an outspoken, opinionated woman who loves to share her ideas and thoughts – which she considers to always be correct and better than everyone else’s. (Now, stop comparing her to someone in your own life!) Her tongue causes a great amount of consternation for her neighbors and some good laughs for the movie viewer. However, she is a loyal friend who learns to apologize and accept an apology and only wants what’s best (in her opinion!) for those she loves. I’m sure you have a favorite movie, book or TV series that portrays clashing characters much like Anne and Rachel. It’s much easier and more fun to watch them than to deal with them in real life, isn’t it?

None of us is a finished product and we need to remind ourselves that just as we are being refined and reshaped, so are the people around us. The co-worker who drives you totally crazy may be the very one on whom you will depend next year. The neighbor that is always cranky is just being worked on differently than you are. Why do the people around you like different music, different food, different activities than you do? Why do they talk too much, or too little? Why do they want to sit when you want to move or run when you want to walk? Well, why not?! It may be a challenge to figure out how to really enjoy one another but it also may be worth the effort. We’re not always going to gel with everyone, but neither should we instantly throw someone to the side just because they are different than we are. Blasting them for their differences should’t be an option either. Give yourself permission to grow and change and allow them to do the same. This is part of the joy of our journey. Colorful people help make our life more colorful! After all, we are probably a challenge to someone and we know, just as Rachel Lynde does, they could learn a thing or two from us!

Learning to respect others takes time. And effort. And patience…much patience! And prayer. God has created us different for a reason and those differences can bring a special element to our lives. Try not to miss those elements as you go through 2015. There may be a ‘diamond in the rough’ right next door!

A man who isolates himself seeks his own desire;
He rages against all wise judgment. Proverbs 18:1

A man who has friends must himself be friendly,
But there is a friend who sticks closer than a brother. Proverbs 1:24

I have always had fun the few times I’ve been asked to speak at a women’s event, but I don’t consider myself much of a ‘speaker’ so I always have to search deeply for what I should share. If ladies are going to be obligated to sit and listen to me talk, I sure want to have something to say! God has usually led me to remind us all that being who we were created to be is vitally important. It’s the only way to totally fulfill the destiny He has planned for us. It’s really the only way to feel completely alive!

In the past month or two this message has been surrounding me. I am uniquely me. You are uniquely you. This is a good thing. Different is okay. Cookie cutter people are not necessarily something to be desired! God has given us all different tasks, different tastes and different dreams. He may use us in similar but slightly different ways or He may use us in ways totally opposite each other. No big deal…..He has a different purpose for each of us.

That’s usually easier to say than to swallow, isn’t it?! More often than not we deal with what we aren’t instead of celebrating what we are. Why do we have the idea that what we have to offer is not quite as valuable as what the people around us can give? This kind of thinking puts us in a type of cage and keeps us from sharing our uniqueness.

Sometimes, it’s just a matter of timing. God is working and things are getting into place; it’s usually not as instant as a Pop Tart! Maybe we need to mature, maybe there are still key people for us to meet or some things for us to experience before God will turn us loose on the world – so to speak!

Several years ago I heard the song I have included here and immediately said to my husband, “That’ll preach!” I still think so. Perspective has a lot to do with how valuable we think we are and we HAVE to remember to view ourselves from God’s perspective. He loves us so much He gave His precious Son for us (John 3:16). He blesses us and thinks precious thoughts toward us (Psalm 139:5,6,17,18). We are His masterpiece (Ephesians 2:8-10). What God says is so much more important than what others think, what the devil whispers to us or even the negative thoughts we have no trouble dredging up ourselves.

This song has a great lesson.  Don’t sell yourself short! God is aware of you and has plans to put you in the right place at the right time…..be ready! His love for you is awesome!

Dear Eric,
I wish you were here today. Well, I wish that everyday, but especially today. Things are on the move in our family and it would be so fun to share these experiences with you.  You would be so pleased with your kids and would adore your grandkids!

Madilynn is going to be a Junior …. and she drives! Can you believe it?! She’s a beautiful girl and could learn so much from you if you were here. Shelley misses you; she could use a daddy right now. Alivia, well, you would hardly recognize her since she was only a baby when you left and now she’s almost nine years old!

Sam and Jack are getting taller and taller and I love them to pieces. Phil and Heather sold their house and will move into a beautiful new place in a few short days. I wish they were still next door but I know they are following God’s leading and I’m excited for them. Being obedient to God is their key focus.

Christopher and Kristyn have blessed us with three grandkids since you left! Remember the night we got the phone call that their first was on the way?! We had just returned from our cruise and weren’t expecting that news! I never dreamed you wouldn’t be here for Aubri’s birth and now she has two brothers who are as ornery as they come. They all three make me smile constantly and I really wish you could be here to tell them “Bille and Willie” stories, have sock wars and pray with them. Owen just finished his first T-Ball season and was wonderful. Aubri was adorable in her dance recital and Levi rules the roost!  Christopher and Kristyn are diligent pastors, have a great marriage (you always said she could handle him well!) and love walking in the call of God. They have both grown spiritually in amazing ways.

Nathaniel works for Emily – another twist we didn’t see coming – and he is such a blessing. He and Meg bought a house in Chillicothe and he has shown your knack for being a handyman as they have made changes to it. Meg is a teacher and a wonderful wife. They have created a lovely, peaceful home and are a joy.

Christy is a nail tech! She has always loved that industry and now has a career there – big surprise, huh?! She misses you and has worked her way through many questions since your death. There is a lot of life ahead for her and I know the prayers you prayed over her are still being answered.

Alex is on a mission trip right now, Jordan has his pilots license, Caleb is going into his Junior year of college and is dating a really nice girl.  Amanda, Joel and Nikki continue to amaze me as they grow and change. My siblings (and their spouses) are the most special people I know and mom and dad are doing great. We threw a big party for their 55th wedding anniversary and they had such fun!

Your brother and sisters have had their challenges since 2008 and I’m sure they would have liked having you around. They make me smile each time I talk with them.

There are so many people I wish we could chat about! I wish we could go down the list and catch up on all that you’ve missed.  So much has happened, so much has changed in the last six years! Life has gone on. There was a time I didn’t think it really would, but it has. I miss you. Everyday. But life has gone on.

Today is Father’s Day and I want you to know what a joy it was raising kids with you. You were a good dad and I am grateful for that. I also want to thank you for praying so diligently over our kids; they are wonderful adults who are reaping the benefit of the love you gave and the prayers you prayed. The people you pastored are also still reaping the benefit of your prayers and leadership. You may not be here to celebrate Father’s Day with us but I want you to know how much I appreciate the way you lived your life and how you loved us all so deeply.  I am a very blessed woman.  Happy Father’s Day, Handsome.

All your children shall be taught by the Lord, and great shall be the peace of your children. Isaiah 54:13

Yesterday was the 6th anniversary of Eric’s death.  Using the word anniversary with death – or anything we perceive to be negative – just doesn’t seem right.  The word anniversary makes you think of a celebration and although I know that’s not technically correct, it still seems a bit strange when I use the two words together.

Several times over the years I have been asked if it gets easier.  Does being without your soul mate get easier?  Does the emptiness go away or the desire to talk to him disappear?  Do things go back to feeling ‘normal’?  I have realized I most likely would have answered these questions differently at the end of each year.

Loosing Eric was so much harder than I ever imagined such an experience would be.  To say part of me died would not be a poetic statement but an accurate one.  I was numb for months and learned how to function that way.  There have been those who bounced back from the death of someone they loved much more quickly than I and there are others who have struggled longer and harder than I have. There are periods when you are wrapped in sadness and it seems grief will never let go of you.  I think that would describe the first 18 months of my life after Eric died.  After that 18 months I wasn’t automatically back on top of things either, that was just the point when I quit crying every day.  Yes, every day.  For 18 months I cried at some point during every day.  No, I didn’t quit living, I was just sad.  Am I weird?  I don’t know.  I didn’t try to be normal or act in a way I thought acceptable; I just grieved as I needed to.   I am very grateful for friends and family who understood that and loved me while praying for me.

So this year my answer to the question, “Does it get easier?” would be yes.  Yes, it does.  It can be an uphill climb but the mountain can be conquered.  This year I can give that answer without tears falling unbidden down my face and without a heart so heavy I think it will never mend.  This year I know, and don’t just believe, the ache will not always live with me.  I think I will always miss him.  Even now-6 years later-I think about him every single day and my thoughts are mostly happy (vs sad) ones. I have so many good memories and my family and I smile and laugh when we talk about him and sometimes we even laugh at him because he did some very funny things!

I am so very grateful to have had such a love.  Our marriage wasn’t textbook perfect but we sure loved and enjoyed each other and were, in every sense of the word, best friends.  We had love and respect for each other and loved being together.  He taught me so much and spoke such powerful things into my heart that his words still affect me.  He made me laugh and feel cherished.  He has reached his ultimate goal and, though I hate the timing, I am excited for him!  However, being without him does get easier.  By the grace of God, it does get easier.

I leave you with one of Eric’s (many) favorite scriptures:

And we know that God causes everything to work together for the good of those who love God and are called  according to his purpose for them.  Romans 8:28

Love you, Handsome.  Thank you for such a wonderful love affair!

 

We were singing Joy to the World….it was an updated arrangement (which sounded great) and it seemed to announce that Christmas was here.  Nothing brings the feeling of Christmas quite like a traditional carol during church.  With the drums, guitars, keys and great vocals leading the way we were belting out the familiar words when I was brought up short by one line: Let every heart prepare Him room.

That line in the song always conjured up images of Mary and Joseph looking for lodging.  I had always equated it with opening your heart to receive God’s gift of Jesus and the salvation He offered.  Now all of a sudden it was more than that.  I had already opened my heart, I already made room for Him.  Why was that line tugging at me?  It wasn’t part of a world-wide campaign to keep Christ in Christmas, it was a special moment between the Holy Spirit and me – and He wasn’t just talking about the Christmas season.

How often do I rush my time in prayer and reading the Word?  Do I shortchange Jesus and figure He’ll understand if I can’t put time into our relationship?  Do I talk to Him more when I’m in trouble than when things are smooth sailing?  Do I say ‘please’ more often than I say ‘thank you’?  Do I make room only when it’s convenient?  Do I take care to prepare space for Him or just assume since He loves me I can be a slacker?

Perhaps preparing room for Him is just the beginning.  Spending time with Him is the next step.  Trusting Him is another.  Listening to Him brings an even greater dimension to life and obeying Him brings us full circle.  Accepting the gift of salvation is the start, but there’s a great journey after that.  I need to be intentional in my pursuit of Jesus and not just assume because He is a good God who loves me anything less is OK.

There’s no time like a new year to evaluate our priorities.  I want to know I have made room for Christ in my every day living.  I don’t want to prepare a room only to close the door and not enter it again all year.  I want to experience the wonders of His love and sing with confidence all year long!

 

 Draw near to God and He will draw near to you…..   James 4:8

JOY TO THE WORLD THE LORD IS COME, LET EARTH RECEIVE HER KING!

LET EVERY HEART PREPARE HIM ROOM

AND HEAVEN AND NATURE SING AND HEAVEN AND NATURE SING

AND HEAVEN AND HEAVEN AND NATURE SING!

I am about to embark on my 6th wedding anniversary since Eric’s death. I passed the 30th anniversary milestone alone, which was quite difficult, and now I am looking at what would have been year 34 for us. Wow…..it really doesn’t seem like 34 years ago that we began our Mr. & Mrs. adventure! I really, truly wish he could have stayed here for our 50th or beyond not just because I miss him but because telling stories together was so much more fun than telling them alone!

You know how it is – we each see through a different set of lenses so the story is only partially complete until all sides are told. Never when we were enjoying our adventures or retelling them to others later did I picture telling them alone; it almost makes them one dimensional instead of vibrant and lively. I can picture us correcting each other as we got things wrong or left out important details; laughing at each other trying to piece our perspectives together into one story from two brains was always fun…and funny!

One thing I have been thankful for over the past 5+ years is the people who ‘do life’ with me. I am no longer a wife but I am a mom, a sister, an aunt, a daughter, a friend and a Gram! I am currently making more stories with the people I am blessed to spend time with. They aren’t stories about Eric and I but they are about vacations, fall evening bonfires, retreats with the girls, events attended with each other, ministering to others, lazy afternoons with pizza and cards, movie nights and popcorn, leisurely dinners out and bible study groups. I am blessed with friends and family who have helped me to keep living and enjoying the things life has to offer. That is priceless…and lifesaving.

So, thank you to all who have poured into me in an effort to make sure I didn’t give up or simply exist. Thank you for praying, calling, texting, writing, laughing, crying, correcting, encouraging, inviting, hugging, pushing and loving. You have made more of a difference than you could ever imagine and I am so appreciative. I’ll have to tell you the story some day!

     Ecclesiastes 4:9-12

Two people are better off than one, for they can help each other succeed. If one person falls, the other can reach out and help.  But someone who falls alone is in real trouble.  Likewise, two people lying close together can keep each other warm. But how can one be warm alone?  A person standing alone can be attacked and defeated, but two can stand back-to-back and conquer.  Three are even better, for a triple-braided cord is not easily broken.

A few weeks ago I was out of town and decided to stop at the local Wal-Mart. I had been on the hunt for a particular item for several weeks and figured I might as well stop and check out yet one more store.

On the way in I noticed an elderly couple coming out. The lady stopped and rested her head on the cart handle and the husband stood by waiting for her and looking slightly anxious. I walked a few steps past them then turned around to see if I could be of any help. Another shopper coming out of the store had noticed them and done the same. Since I had not made any purchases and she was on the way to her car with a cartful of them, we agreed I would offer assistance and she could finish her errands.

I asked the gentleman if he would like me to stay with his wife while he went to get the car and he was most appreciative. While he was gone, his wife and I chatted. She had a lovely potted flower in her cart and we talked about it’s color and type and how beautiful it was. She said she didn’t know what had happened to her, she just got really tired. She was so pleasant and had a radiant smile. I told her it would be just a few minutes then her ride would arrive and she could rest. She said, “Oh, do I have a ride? I didn’t know.” She again spoke of getting tired and how silly she thought it was that had happened. When I announced her husband was here with the car she said, “Is that right? I don’t remember? Who is it? Is that him?” All the while she was smiling, happy and making her way to the car. I helped her in and her husband made sure she was secure.

As we loaded their few purchases in the back of the vehicle, he told me she had dementia. That day was their 54th wedding anniversary and he had brought her shopping to pick out a flower and some chocolate. He had given her roses which were at home and their son would be stopping by later that night.

I felt myself getting emotional and knew the water works were about to start so I tried to divert my thoughts a bit and offered him my very sincere congratulations remarking on how rare it is for people to stay married that long anymore. He was as pleasant as his wife and thanked me for my help.

As they drove away, my heart was bursting. Here was a man who was celebrating a milestone with his wife even though she didn’t know it. He could have skipped the roses, stayed home and never said a word. But he didn’t. He expressed his love and made her day special even though she didn’t realize he was doing it and would not remember that it had been done. I had seen true love in action in a most wonderful way! There was enough love between them that he continued to shower her with gifts and care even when she didn’t know who he was. She didn’t know they had spent 54 years together but he did – and it mattered.

Jesus loves us like that. He loved us first (I John 4:19). He gave to us first and gave more than we ever can (John 3:16). He keeps His promises and says we are the apple of His eye (Zechariah 2:8).

I would have loved to grow old with my Handsome. Would we be cranky with each other? Would he be bald and would I wear housecoats a lot?!  Would we still laugh with, as well as at, each other? Would there still be a sparkle when we looked at each other? Would we celebrate our milestones even if one of us didn’t know we had reached one?

Don’t waste the time you have to love. Love wholeheartedly. And don’t waste the time you have to let Jesus love you and take care of you. You’re only living half the life He intended if you live it without Him.

“I love you people
 with a love that will last forever.
 That is why I have continued
 showing you kindness.” Jeremiah 31:3