JEV

While attending the Women of Faith conference in Columbus in May, not only did I learn good things from some great teachers but there was also a little something I learned from myself!  It’s almost embarrassing to share, but hey, it’s just me and you, so why not?!

With 10,000+ women in one location the crowd can be pretty thick and trying to move around, especially when there is merchandise available for purchase, can be a time-consuming task.   When we would all be coming in or going out at the same time, the escalators would all flow in the same direction; instead of one going up and one down they would change several locations so both would be going down (or up).

During one break I went to visit with my grafted-into-the-family daughter-in-law (she didn’t have a choice in that grafting by the way!) who was sitting in a section below ours.  I left in enough time to get back to my seat before the session started and worked my way through the crowd.  I made it to the escalators and decided I’d walk up the stairs instead of ride.  What I had forgotten was that there was actually a “club house” level between the floor I was on and the one I needed to get to so when I got to the top of the stairs, I was on the wrong level and had to turn around and go back down because that’s where the stairs stopped.

I didn’t mind; a bit of exercise feels pretty good after sitting in stadium seats because their designers and financiers don’t think you need any space for your legs while sitting!  Stretching felt pretty good.  On the way down the steps I noticed two of the escalators were rather crowded but the one closest to me wasn’t busy at all so I descended the last step, rounded the corner and got on that escalator only to realize when I got to the top I was right back where I had started!  That particular escalator only went to the ‘half’ level just like the steps did!  Once again, down the steps I went!  My goodness, how many times can you get it wrong?!

I wonder how many times I have done that spiritually – gone around in a circle just using a different method each time around.  Sometimes I end up going around again because I’m pretty sure I know what was wrong the first time so I don’t stop to really analyze things.  Sometimes I’m just determined I can figure this out without any help.  Sometimes I’m busy concentrating on what others are doing and figure I need to take a different path (so I can be different from the masses) or take the same path (so I can be the same as everyone else).  On my spiritual journey, I don’t always take the time to get my directions from the Director.  Not a bright move.  Thankfully, just getting the wrong escalator or taking the wrong set of steps in an arena isn’t a major problem.  However, in life, going around in circles can be frustrating and damaging.  I sure hope I (we, because I’m sure I’m not the only one in this learning curve) learn to take our directions from the Director before we start moving.

This type of circle is typical of working through grief, but not, I’m sure, exclusive to grief only.  How many times have you lost your temper and promised you’d control yourself next time?  How many times do you keep giving your heart to the same type of person you know isn’t going to value the gift?  Are your priorities out of balance yet you never seem to make changes?  Do you find yourself going in circles with your diet and nutritional choices?  Does gossip always seem to come out of your mouth before you even realize it?  How many times must we repeat the same lesson – in one form or another – before we can move on to another level?

In learning to live as a widow (gosh, I hate using that term in reference to myself) I feel as though I am on an escalator that only takes me halfway to where I want to go which means I need to go back down the steps and start up all over again.  It’s a process and sometimes I make it a step higher than before and sometimes I fall backwards a few steps and have to regain ground.  The key is to not quit.  No matter how hard it is to get out of bed, do things alone, try to fix something broken, feel empty, make a decision or figure things out on my own, I can’t quit.  If I’m still alive, God has a plan for me; there’s something for me to do so I can’t quit.

That’s true for you and your situation, whatever it is.  Don’t quit.  Keep going.  When you’re tired or confused, take the escalator instead of the steps!  God will carry you when you have a willing heart but are just too tired to take another step.  Count each step higher as an accomplishment and congratulate yourself for making it there.  You’re Director is right there with you giving you instructions and being excited that you want to keep on trying.

When the crowd is closing in and you are going in the wrong direction, stand still and shout for God the Direction Giver and watch what He can and will do with a willing heart.

I will instruct you and teach you in the way you should go.      Psalm 32:8

It had been a good day.  One full of activity and a couple of tasks that had actually been completed not just started!  The day was done, the sun long gone and it was time to get some sleep so there would be energy for tomorrow.

Evenings can be a bit tricky for a widow.  After two years a new routine has been established but things can still seem rather empty. Sometimes you hear voices from the past – things that were common place for bedtime routine.  But the voices are only in your memory and there isn’t really any need to respond to them.  Sometimes you smile at the memories they bring and other times unbidden tears slide down your cheeks.  Every night is an assignment in adjusting, especially when you lie down next to an empty pillow.

This night, as is pretty commonplace, I lingered at my bedroom window to look at the night sky.  There is something absolutely beautiful about the stars and the blackness of night and whether I look at it from my deck or my window, I am always awed by what I see, and don’t see, there.  But this night held a surprise beauty all it’s own.

As I looked away from the sky I gazed out over the field across from our house and saw hundreds of tiny flashing lights.  Hundreds of them.  In my front yard as well as the field, there were lightening bugs putting on ‘the Ritz’ just for me.  It was amazing!  They were just flitting all over the place while their little tails flashed and created a show they were totally unaware of.  Naturally, I recalled those times as a child when I and my neighborhood friends had grabbed glass jars and caught the little bugs just to watch them for a while before letting them rejoin their pals in the free air.  I enjoyed teaching my children about catching lightening bugs and remember hearing the fun in their voices as they called out “caught one”!  But this night I was almost breathless at the beauty of seeing hundreds of them all at once from my second floor window.

I felt the whisper of God say to my heart that’s how He feels when each of His children is simply busy about life just being themselves.  When we are ‘flitting about flashing our lights’ it’s a show for Him, a beautiful sight.  The firefly doesn’t care that its light is not powerful or bright or will only be seen by a few.  That little insect isn’t pouting that it’s not a butterfly everyone will admire.  I doubt if the ones in my yard were negotiating for a warmer climate or more beautiful location in which to work.  They were simply busy about their business and in the process I was treated to a beautiful sight.

Whether we know it or not we can bring pleasure to others – and to God – right where we are.  We don’t have to get better or move faster or have more to offer before we can make a difference.  We simply need to be ‘flitting about flashing our lights’ realizing that it’s God that makes the beauty out of what we offer.

So, on this particular night one widow went to bed offering thanks for a beautiful ‘nightcap’, compliments of her Creator.  I can almost hear the conversation that would have taken place if Eric had viewed that with me….!

So here’s what I want you to do, God helping you:

Take your everyday, ordinary life—

your sleeping, eating, going-to-work, and walking-around life—

and place it before God as an offering.

Embracing what God does for you is the best thing you can do for him.

Don’t become so well-adjusted to your culture that you fit into it

without even thinking.

Instead, fix your attention on God.

You’ll be changed from the inside out.

Readily recognize what he wants from you,

and quickly respond to it.

Unlike the culture around you, always dragging you down to its level of immaturity,

God brings the best out of you, develops well-formed maturity in you.

Romans 12:1 & 2  (The Message)

Today our youngest son will marry his best friend. Today he will not be just our son but will become Megan’s husband.  He will be the head of his own household.  He is ready for this step and I am a proud mother!

When Christopher married, his bride gave me a book by Karen Kingsbury that talks about celebrating ‘firsts’ with your children but not ‘lasts’ because sometimes you don’t know they are the lasts.  I have been thinking about lasts for a couple of days now.

Yesterday I fixed breakfast for both of us; that was a last.  He played his last softball game as a single man.  He mowed our yard, which is the last time he’ll be responsible for that task!  Last night Sports Center was the first thing watched on our television – that’s probably a last as well! We said goodnight for the last time as we turned out the lights and went upstairs.  I needed to be quiet upstairs this morning for the last time as he will no longer wake up at this house.  When he leaves for the wedding today, it will be the last time this is home.  I know home is always home – but now he will have his own place.  This will be where he grew up but not the place he lives.  His car will not be parked in the garage and his room will be rather empty.  Those are the things a parent thinks of at times like these. (What is that liquid sliding down my cheeks?)

But remembering the ‘lasts’ doesn’t mean I’m not excited about the future.  We have all waited a long time for this day as these two have dated for over six years!  Megan has said she was on the ‘dating installment plan’ and I’m sure there have been times she wasn’t sure the payoff date would ever arrive, but it’s here and it’s today.

Eric and I could not have been any more excited about this union.  Megan is perfect for Nathaniel and her love for him is obvious.  He adores her and knows she is a gift from God. Knowing your children have chosen wisely whom they will spend their life with is a prayer answered for every parent.  Our family could not be happier.  This day will be a joyous occasion no matter what the weather or what doesn’t fall into place the way it’s been planned.  At the end of the day there will be a Mr. & Mrs. Nathaniel VanBuskirk and we will celebrate!!!

Nathaniel is a fine, Godly man and Megan a precious Godly woman.  Eric would have been so excited for this day.  I think he was almost as anxious for it as Megan!  He knew this was a ‘match made in heaven’ and loved that Megan would be with Nathaniel through the journey of life.  I will miss having Nathaniel at home – he is a treasure to be sure – but in a few hours he will be completed, made one with his soul mate.  What could be better than that?

So, Joel and Eva and myself say good-bye today to a piece of parenthood, but gladly say hello to what lies ahead for our children.  Two sets of parents who have had a wonderful life together and are looking forward to seeing their children enjoy the same.  We love you Megan and Nathaniel and couldn’t be more proud or happy! Enjoy your day. Enjoy Jamaica.  Enjoy your life!

That’s why a man will leave his own father and mother.

He marries a woman, and the two of them become like one person.

Genesis 2:24 (Contemporary English Version)

This weekend the Women of Faith conference in Columbus was full of great music, lots of laughter, challenging and encouraging messages and time with friends.  It was a great way to spend two days and I’m ever so glad I was able to go.

Aside from the thought-provoking lessons in Nicole Johnson’s dramas, the bravery of Mary Beth Chapman, the energy of Andy Andrews, the top-notch praise and worship team, the joy that spilled out of Mandisa and the transparency of each speaker as they shared their heart with us, I also had some ‘girlfriend’ time that was refreshing and totally enjoyable.   I love weekends like that.

So many things spoke to my heart during those few hours.  Mary Beth and Steven Curtis Chapman shared the same stage for the first time ever.  Steven was fantastic as usual as he sang and ministered and although Mary Beth was nervous about her role and how God is changing her direction, she was great at sharing her story and her heart.  She’s an Ohio girl so she started off with a hearty O-H..I-O which we loved!

It hasn’t been quite two years since the loss of their youngest daughter and their family is still adjusting much as we are.  Each of them said something I identified with.  Steven said there are points when it’s just hard, still just very hard and then there are times when you say, “God, I’m doing this and it’s easy.  How can this be easy?  How can that be?”  Grief is such a dichotomy of emotions and thoughts.  One moment you are fine and the next you are blubbering all over yourself.  One day everything you do is hard and the next you sail through things and wonder how.

Mary Beth said, of their tragedy, “Surely Satan was out to stop the Chapman family.  But he didn’t win.”  She is so right.  Tragedy, death, disappointment isn’t just a plan of the enemy to stop the one who is targeted. His plan is to take out more than one.  He wants a whole family and perhaps, in our case, a whole church.  He wants to rip open our heart and cause us to be full of doubt and unbelief because those things paralyze us spiritually.  He hasn’t won with the Chapman family and he hasn’t won with the VanBuskirk/Church Triumphant family either.

All weekend there were messages about not quitting, reminders that God has a plan and when we stay yielded to Him, we win.  The Chapman’s can’t wait to dance with their little ‘Cinderella’ again someday and I can’t wait to feel Handsome’s arms around me one more time.  Because of Jesus those things will be a reality for us.

Mandisa shared a song on Friday night that she wrote after a lady she prayed with lost her first baby only a few weeks short of full-term.  I would like to share it with you.  It’s only an audio file, but the song is a beautiful reminder that those already in Heaven would not want to come back, no matter how much they loved us.  They are fine and experiencing more than we can even imagine.  I’m jealous.

One thing I ask of the LORD, this is what I seek:

that I may dwell in the house of the LORD all the days of my life,

to gaze upon the beauty of the LORD

and to seek him in his temple.

Psalm 27:4 (New International Version)

This was supposed to be posted Saturday evening but, due to technical difficulties that did not happen; my apologies.  I hope you enjoy it even though you are reading it a few days later than intended!

This morning I heard someone quote Jim Caviezel as saying, “We (Christians, Believers in Jesus Christ) are not meant to fit in, we are meant to be different.”

Easter is a time when that difference is profound.  We are celebrating because Someone was raised from the dead.  He came for the express purpose of dying – so He could rise again and show He is more powerful than death.  He came to be our savior-to save us from death and destruction and to give us life abundant and eternal.

When we celebrate Easter – the Resurrection of Jesus – we are telling the world we believe we need a savior and that Jesus is the only one who can meet that need.  We are saying we believe in good and evil because Jesus said there is a real enemy of our soul who desires our defeat in life as well as death.  We proclaim there is a heaven where we can spend forever with God.  We are shouting from the mountaintop that we serve a God who died but lives again!  We want others to know our God is a God of grace and mercy not a task master to be feared.

These reasons we celebrate are so different from other religions; they are some of the reasons we are different.  These are the reasons the world should see us as different.  Not so much because of how we dress, talk, or ‘fit in’ (or don’t ‘fit in’!) but because we believe in our God so much that we are excited to be His followers and that excitement is evident in all aspects of our life.

Jesus ways are not the norm for the world and when we are following Him and trying to be like Him we will not fit the norm either; we will be different.  But that kind of different is good!  Perhaps you will stand out because you are not quick to judge, or you don’t spend the weekend getting drunk or watching x-rated movies.  Maybe your coworkers have noticed you are joyful even when times are hard.  Does your language reflect thankfulness to God?  Do your neighbors see you giving part of your Sunday to attend church?  Do your friends think you’re different because you won’t lie or gossip?

Loving Jesus makes us different.  There are some ways we shouldn’t want to fit in with everyone else.  I know, I know – sometimes Christians seem, well, weird because of the way they choose live out their faith and that can tend to turn people away from Jesus instead of toward Him.  That’s unfortunate but it shouldn’t make us try to fit in so much that there’s no difference between an unbeliever and us.  If there is no difference, we are doing something wrong.

Easter is a day but it’s also a lifestyle.  Christians have more reason to be at peace and joyful than anyone else in the world because our God is alive and involved in our lives!  We can express love because we are loved and we can offer mercy because it was offered to us.  We are free to be different because our God is different than any other god!

Eternity is real and I know some people who are experiencing it in heaven right now.  A husband, a son, grandparents, other relatives and friends who are glad for the difference Jesus makes!  Getting there is as easy as believing Jesus is the Son of God who came to earth as a human being to stand in our place and take the penalty for our sin (and everyone has sinned).  Ask Him to forgive you and be your Savior then begin to fall in love with Him.  Living ‘different’ for Him is a change that just naturally takes place when you love Him.

This year, celebrate Easter daily.  Rejoice that the resurrection is real and is for all of us.  Live in peace because you know Jesus is alive.  Be glad to be different because your God is different and is madly in love with you!

A couple of weeks ago I got to take a vacation with ‘the girls’.  Thanks to a friend of a friend, four of us were able to split the cost of a nice vacation rental condo and spend a week in Orlando, Florida.  We really had a fun time doing, well, next to nothing!  We all love to read so we set aside plenty of time to catch up on some good fiction.  We had some days of wonderful sunshine which were warm enough to allow us to sit by the pool with our books and soak up some of that valuable vitamin D.  We treated ourselves to a different restaurant each evening and enjoyed several games of Euchre every night.  Yes, we were in the heart of Disney country and every other type of attraction you can imagine and didn’t spend time at any of them.  I know it’s hard to imagine, but we managed to have a great week without them and we got some much enjoyed rest instead!

I learned a few things while on this trip; something a little different each day that I want to share with you.  Maybe these won’t mean a thing to you and you’ll wonder why I even took the time to write them down.  That’s ok but this is my blog and I get to write what I want 🙂  I do hope you enjoy it!

Friday

We waited on the shuttle from the parking lot to the terminal; there were lots of people traveling that day and the first shuttle was full and had to leave us standing.  The second one had to make several stops before it got to us.  We waited on the luggage when we got to Orlando.  The belt broke after they got most of the luggage unloaded so they had to resituate things and send us to another retrieval area.  An hour later we were on our way.  At the resort we waited (once again) on their shuttle to take us to our building at the resort.  After checking in, we waited on the rental car company to bring us our transportation for the week.  Even with all the waiting the day was very pleasant and we were thankful we had no schedule to keep and no agenda so waiting was no problem!  God has everything under control.

Saturday

We’re several hundred miles away from home and yet were able to do a favor in Daytona for friends from Ohio!  Who would have thought?  Driving to Daytona took quite a bit more time than we expected because, unbeknownst to us, it was Biker Week and the traffic was….oh my, there was lots of traffic and everything was moving so slowly (I guess we needed to slow down and wait these first few days for some reason!).   However, we were able to see the beauty of God’s ocean while we were there and even though it was too cold to be in the water, the movement of the ocean is always an amazing sight.  God puts us right where He wants us.

Sunday

A lovely, sunny day spent at the pool. Now this was definitely what relaxing was meant to be.  Watching the young kids and their parents reminded me how quickly time passes and how brief each season of life truly is.  It doesn’t seem so long ago that time at the pool didn’t mean a good book and a nap.  Instead it was diving games and jumping off shoulders and ‘marco polo’ and learning to float and a host of other fun things kids like to do.  Is it truly possible our family is no longer in that season?  Where did it go?  (On these days I really missed my grandkids!)  Treasure the everyday events.

Monday

For adults, talking to strangers can be fun!  The conversations don’t have to be long or important but they can make the day more interesting and long lines more bearable and sometimes give you a new point of view.  While in Florida I talked with strangers on the plane, in the airport, at the pool, in the elevator, in the shopping mall, at the souvenir shops and in the hallway of our condo.  Why not?  We weren’t trying to be ‘best buds’ or convince each other of anything, we were just sharing an experience or maybe a space for a short piece of time.  I found myself smiling as I talked with each of them, and smiling is a good thing!

Tuesday

Laughter is one of the best parts of any day.  I have always heard it said that it’s good when you can laugh at yourself but this week I also realized it’s not only good when you can laugh at yourself but it’s even better when you can laugh with others as they laugh at you!  Everyone of us is going to make a mistake and some of those mistakes are going to make for some pretty funny moments.  Sometimes the funny moment isn’t even from a mistake, it’s something that just happened – just ‘one of those things’.  Go ahead, laugh!  Laugh at yourself and laugh with others.  There’s nothing quite like a good laugh.

Wednesday

Sunshine is good for the soul as well as the mind and body. There’s just something about being in the warmth of the sun when the temperature is not too hot, not too cold and the breeze is just right.  We know our body needs sunshine and our minds get rather slow and sad if we don’t get a bit of sun but I think it’s good for our soul as well (if that’s possible).  It’s refreshing after a hard day or a long winter to just sit in the sun and spend a quiet moment relaxing.  Somehow it has a quality that allows us to reconnect with ourselves and feel ready to face the next challenge.

Thursday

This was our shopping day.  It was our last full day in Florida and it was rainy so what could be better than hitting some outlet malls?  Shopping with friends can be fun as you work together to find things everyone wants; a certain item – like a Beast, a certain color – like soft pink.  However, it can also be hard on your wallet when your friends talk you into buying that special something for yourself you hadn’t planned on!  Splurging can be more fun with friends than alone!

Friday

Time to fly back to Ohio.  It’s raining but not storming.  The flight is not delayed.  All our luggage arrives when we do 🙂  The trip has been wonderful and I am thankful for my trip with ‘the girls’.  A full schedule awaits me beginning tomorrow, but this past week was a gift that now holds some really great memories.  I am learning, ever learning that God loves giving us things to enjoy.

If one falls down, his friend can help him up.

But pity the man who falls and has no one to help him up!

Ecclesiastes 4:10 (NIV)

Sometimes an ordinary thing can become a little extraordinary when God takes over.  There are times when no one else sees God’s activity but you know He has done something special just for you. I’m excited to share with you my recent small touch of assurance.

Last Friday I was on my way to the cemetery.  I had actually been on the way to town and was planning the cemetery stop for later in the day but realized I wouldn’t have time later so turned the car around and headed back to Hallsville.

Because it was a rather emotional day for me I decided I would just like to hear some voices other than my own and turned on the radio and when the music started playing I caught my breath and felt warm all over.  The very first song to infiltrate my car was “How Can I Keep From Singing” by Chris Tomlin.

If you have followed my blogs you may remember I had a history with this song as God used it to encourage me to keep my focus on Him when Eric was in the hospital the last time.  I knew that song was just for me at just this time; an ordinary moment in the life of the DJ, an extraordinary one in mine.

When leaving the cemetery, I again hit the button and turned on the radio.  Now I’m really amazed; there’s a Matthew West song playing and (some of) the lyrics are:

Don’t be mad if I cry, it just hurts so bad, sometimes ‘Cause everyday it’s sinking in and I have to say goodbye all over again.  You know I bet it feels good to have the weight of this world off your shoulders now. I’m dreaming of the day when I’m finally there with you.
I have asked the questions why but I guess the answer’s for another time. So instead I pray, with every tear and be thankful for the time I had you here. I wanna live my life just like you did. Make the most of my time just like you did. And I want to make my home up in the sky just like you did. (Save a Place for Me by Matthew West and Sam Mizell)

I had never heard that song before but it had my attention.  It was another memo from God just for me.  But it gets even better!  The next song was Jesus Calling by 33 Miles which says:

What do you see when you look at your world today? Do you see a glimmer of hope, or has it all turned to gray? Well start by counting your blessings one by one oh, and I’m sure right there, you’ll start to see the sun.

You see there’s always another story, another side to every coin. And how you see your circumstance is all about a choice….You may be scared to death but I won’t let you go. You may think the sky above is falling but can you hear Jesus calling ….Because the darker the night, the brighter He can shine.

That one had me pegged as well.  I am a ‘blessing counter’ and always try to look on the bright side but that can be hard.  I need to be reminded that Jesus can shine brightly in my darkness and I need to weigh my choices.  We all need to weigh our choices.

By this time I’m almost to town but God has more in store for me. Next is the 2009 song by Steven Curtis Chapman “Heaven is the Face”.  Some of you probably know of the heartache their family has endured at the loss of their little girl and this song addresses the topic of loss and what heaven must be like with her there.  I have attached this one for you to hear.

Can you believe it?  There were four songs in a row that all dealt with loss, praising in the midst of pain and Jesus always being present.  But guess what. In Christ Alone was the next tune to come on! …No guilt in life, no fear in death This is the power of Christ in me. From life’s first cry to final breath Jesus commands my destiny. No power of hell, no scheme of man can ever pluck me from His hand. ‘til He returns or calls me home here in the power of Christ I’ll stand.

Now, somewhere some radio station employee was simply putting together a play list and all these songs happened to be on it, one after another, at just the right time of the morning for me to hear them. My plans changed so I would be in the car for every one of them.  Ordinary or extraordinary?  God is ALWAYS involved in our daily lives.  Some days we just see it a little more clearly than others. Sometimes we CHOOSE to see it and sometimes we don’t but that doesn’t mean He’s absent.  I’m so thankful to know He cares about how I feel and what I need.  I’m so grateful to be so well taken care of.

Neither height nor depth, nor anything else in all creation,will be able to separate us from the love of God that is in Christ Jesus our Lord.  (Romans 8:39)

Two years ago today, my husband woke up, looked at me and said, “Good morning.  I love you.”  That was the last time I heard those words.  No more good mornings and certainly not enough I love yous.  I have survived two entire years without his hugs and kisses, good mornings or goodnights, help and encouragement.

To say the last two years have been an adjustment is to say Niagara Falls  is a water fountain!  We are still adjusting.  I know that seems strange to anyone who has never been down this road but it’s true.  You would think, as I used to, that 730 some days is enough time to get used to anything.  But love brings a factor which can’t always be measured.  We, Eric’s family, loved much and now we miss much.

The one thing Eric would want us to remember always and to live continually is our faith.  Faith that God sent His son to redeem us from our sins (John 3:16).  Faith that Jesus is alive and active in our daily lives (Hebrews 7:25).  Faith that there is a Divine plan for each of us and although we may not understand it – or even like it at times – it is to prosper us and give us a hope and a future. (Jeremiah 29:11).  Faith that Heaven is real and we will laugh and rejoice together again someday (Revelation 21:4).  So we are endeavoring to live the faith he poured into us.  His family, the congregation at Church Triumphant, his friends, we all remember his consecration to and love for his Savior and know that as long as we live what he modeled, his work is still thriving.

Tears may fall and my heart may be heavy, but I know this is not the end.  Goodnight, Sweetheart.  I love you.

John 11:25

I was having a conversation with a friend who shared an experience which I have thought about several times. She made one of those comments that causes you to think and perhaps even evaluate your theology.

She said one evening while at home simply going about her regular routine she felt that “still small voice” (my paraphrase) tell her, “Tomorrow is going to be a really good day.” But, when tomorrow came, her world was turned upside down – in a manner of speaking. On the surface it seemed anything but good. On the surface, it was catastrophic. On the surface, things went from good to bad, not good to better.

However, things didn’t stay “on the surface”. The bad event caused a chain reaction of other not so pleasant situations yet before she knew it, good was coming from the bad. There were benefits from the “bad event” she had not expected. God had said it would be a good day and even though it didn’t look like it at first she was beginning to see good come from it. She was focusing on the good coming out of the bad and trusting that God knows what He’s doing.

This is something I have been trying to do for almost two years. “Bouncing back” has never been a problem for me. I don’t carry the weight of the world on my shoulders or always focus on the negative. I’m a pretty positive person and can usually see the bright side of life. However, Eric’s death has been a challenge for me in those areas. I have not yet found the positive in it.  I still occasionally struggle to see good that can possibly come from something so difficult.

I’m also a seasoned enough Christian to know just because we can’t see it doesn’t mean it’s not so. Each day I choose to believe God has a plan and will work good from this loss. To most of you that loss probably seems long in the past, but to me – to our family – it can seem very present. It’s something we are still very aware of and process on a regular basis.

One of the lessons we taught in our Children’s Ministry a few months ago brings some perspective:
Have you ever had a problem that seemed bigger than you? Have you felt helpless, like you couldn’t fix it,no matter how hard you tried? Sometimes life isn’t always easy. Sometimes family members get sick, people we love go to war, bullies at school make fun of you, parents don’t get along, and moms and dads lose their jobs.

Today we’re going to learn about a guy named Jehoshaphat who faced these kinds of big problems. In fact, an entire army was coming to destroy him and his people. It seemed like Jehoshaphat had nowhere to turn, but he chose to run to God. At one point, he cries to God, “We do not know what to do, but our eyes are upon you.”(2 Chronicles 20:12) When we do not know what to do, let’s learn how we can turn to God with our problems, like Jehoshaphat in our study today.

I guess that’s really what I’m learning in a more constant, practical way than ever before. I’m learning when I don’t know what to do my eyes need to be on Jesus. Actually, even when I know what I’m supposed to do my eyes better be on Jesus! That’s the way we are supposed to live life – with our eyes focused on Jesus.

Perhaps your situation doesn’t have to do with grief or healing or adjusting to a new life. Maybe you don’t have something of that magnitude to deal with or perhaps my situation seems small in comparison to yours. God still wants to be the One we focus on and trust. He wants us to know he’s present, involved and able. He cares and knows what we think and feel. Things may get tough and seem overwhelming but He can handle it. His love is greater than we can imagine.

It’s New Years Eve, well, it’s the morning of New Year’s Eve.  This day last year was so very hard for me.  I don’t think I can even begin to adequately describe what it felt like to be going into a new year knowing Eric was not there to go with me.  Not only can I remember what it felt like, I can still feel it.  It was absolutely one of the hardest days of the year.

Going to yearly communion that night took every ounce of obedience within me.  I did not want to go, could not fathom going.  Eric and I were supposed to be there praying for people, wrapping our hearts around theirs.  I was not supposed to be taking communion alone then having someone pray for my new year – who cared about a new year.  In 2008 Eric was still here, at least for a few weeks, but 2009 would hold nothing of him at all; I didn’t want to go there without him.   That short walk from the back of the church to the front was the longest, loneliest one I have ever taken.

I had a family and a couple of friends who had gone out of their way to make sure I would not be alone on New Years Eve.  There was a party and they extracted a promise from me that I would be there. They said they would hunt me down if I did not show up and I knew they meant it.  So, after communion and a bit of time at home composing myself, to the party I went.  It was good to be around friends but I experienced what it was like to be alone in a house full of people.

This year communion was held a night early, the eve of New Year’s Eve you could say!  Going was not as hard as last year but I admit I had to keep talking myself into it off and on all day long.  I wanted to go straight to the nursery and put in my time there then disappear.  You probably guessed that’s not what I did though.  That thing about being obedient kept nagging at me!

I was able to talk with a few friends before entering the sanctuary and felt relatively relaxed but as soon as I got my communion elements and sat down things got rough.  A friend came over to give me a hug and my granddaughter then came to sit on my lap and say hi. The connection group leaders who prayed with me encouraged me greatly and I made it through the evening.  Another milestone conquered.

Tonight there will be no party for me.  Well, not the traditional kind anyway.  Tonight I will party with my two youngest grandchildren!  That’s a pace I can handle (I think!).  I will be glad to play and read books and tuck into bed these two blessings who have never been held by their gramps.  I wish they could have the benefit of loving him as the rest of us do.  He may not be there but tonight as I pray over their 2010, I think his heart will be with us.

I hope in the New Year I am pleasing to God.  He has taken me places I did not want to go and taught me things I did not want to need in 2009 and I have no reason to doubt he will leave me alone now.  Perhaps you wouldn’t think so, but there is still so much adjusting going on.  Eric’s absence has left quite a gap and it is not easy getting used to the change.  I can say without hesitation that God has been faithful through it all.  I have not enjoyed the process and wish things were the way they used to be, but He has held us close and been with us all the way.

Happy New Year to you all.  May you know the peace of God throughout the year and may you realize He is, after all, the most important part of life.

I will instruct you and teach you in the way you should go;

I will guide you with my eye.  Psalm 32:8