The Christmas season is definitely upon us and I am so grateful for the number of times someone has asked, “How are you all doing?”, “Are you making it through the holidays ok?” or “Do you need anything?”. This time is made so much easier because we are surrounded by people who care.
We decorated the house last week and put the tree up this past Monday. We used to do everything in one day, but hey, what really matters is that we did it. The day wasn’t as festive, but we managed to smile through it.
The hardest part was going to be the tree. Routinely, Eric would put the tree together then spend a looong time putting the lights on. Lots of lights! The rest of us would decorate the house and porch until he was finished. The last thing of the day was for all of us to decorate the tree together. It seemed like that was going to be quite hollow this year.
Last year when it was time to put the decorations away, Eric was sick. Nathaniel and Megan took the tree, lights still on, to my mom and dads and set it in the basement. When we got it out this year we weren’t sure if the lights were going to work or not and remember, there are lots of lights! Not only did we dread taking off the old ones but going to town to buy new was not appealing either. Anyway, we plugged them in one section at a time and they worked! We had a small area out, but we fixed that easily by adding a new strand. Never can I remember a year when all the lights from the previous year worked. I said that was Eric’s way of lighting the tree for us this year! Now there’s still a part of his handiwork in our Christmas! We applied our usual decorations, I harassed Kristyn into putting on the ribbon and when it was finished we celebrated with brownies and ice cream. We had accomplished yet another task – made it through another first. We sat and talked about Christmas and life and Eric and had a truly enjoyable evening together. God was gracious to us that night.
We have had our first Church T appreciation dinner without Eric and it was so nice I’m sure he would have had a great time had he been here. That night was always special because it gave him the chance to tell the people who work in this ministry how much he appreciated them. This year, Aaron and Rachel were able to express that thanks as they have had a great staff working with them through these tough months. Church Triumphant is filled with a faithful bunch of servants; we are blessed!
I thought the night might be really difficult, but, again, God was faithful and my emotions were under control while my heart was full of thankfulness for such wonderful friends/family. Eric planted his heart in this ministry and the people here have shown their appreciation by taking seriously the task of helping his family through their grief. Again, another blessing.
Thanksgiving was a nice family day. I believe we all felt the void but moved on through it. Don’t you think it’s a nice thing that when you’re gone, people wish you weren’t? I mean, there are some families that are relieved when a member is finally not there anymore. How sad. We should all live so humbly before God that our presence is a blessing and not a problem.
The best thing about Thanksgiving was the announcement from Christopher and Kristyn that Aubri will be a big sister! In July another little VanBuskirk will enter the world and our family is overjoyed! Again, God’s blessing on us.
Walking through this grief is a hard thing. When I feel good, it’s still not the kind of good I was used to a year ago. When you celebrate good news, it’s a little hollow no matter how good it is. When you enjoy buying a gift for someone, you are aware there is someone you will not be buying for. Traditions are different. Thoughts are different. Even Christmas music is different. I mean, how many times do they have to play, “I’ll Have a Blue Christmas Without You?” or “All I Want for Christmas is You”. Even “I’ll Be Home For Christmas” doesn’t have the same feeling as it usually does. However, I remind myself that it’s me who’s not really “home” and that Eric is celebrating continually and seeing things from a perspective the rest of us can only begin to imagine.
There are still plenty of tears, but there is plenty of progress also. God is still good even when I don’t think so and He is still faithful even when I feel alone. I know He is still holding me gently and allowing me time to heal. I loved much; it hurts much to lose.
I’m trying to keep in mind that:
He who has begun a good work in you (me) will complete it until the day of Jesus Christ; (Philippians 1:6 NKJV)
There is a plan, there is a purpose, there is a God who loves us much!
JEV 