A friend sent me a text this morning, “Happy New Year”. My reply? “I sure hope so.” 2008 was the shortest, longest year I have ever had. Perhaps it has been that way for you, too.
We have made it through the holiday season. It seems impossible we celebrated Christmas without Handsome. At Christmas last year we were shopping, laughing, enjoying breakfast at Bob Evans, keeping secrets (presents, you know!), looking forward to a little time off and some great family time. Then, the day after Christmas everything changed. I didn’t realize then how much things would change because I just knew that awful disease would be defeated again. I was wrong.
Christmas Eve was filled with family and grandkids. My kids were wonderful in helping fill the gap in our Christmas day and our extended family time the day after was fun; I loved it that we could all be together. We spent some time reflecting and sharing and it was nice to hear each others heart. My family is the greatest and I love them all dearly. The kids and I are not the only ones who lost someone special, they miss him, too and have made the year as easy for us as they could.
We changed our routine a little on Christmas day and went to Christopher and Kristyn’s to spend some time with them and Aubri…mostly Aubri! She is such a joy and being 9 months old she’s learning new things all the time. So many times over the last week I have pictured Eric holding her and enjoying her cute smile. It makes me so sad that she will never know him, never hear him pray for her, never hear the “Billie and Willie” stories he always made up for the kids.
New Years Eve turned out to be rougher than I expected. The day itself was great as I managed to clean some closets and organize a few things including all the receipts from Christmas shopping . I was working on the computer and realized I was crying. I know that sounds silly, but all of a sudden the tears were just there. I couldn’t stop them.
Each New Years Eve we open CT for communion and prayer. The pastor and connection group leaders are available to pray with people and God shows up in a special, individual way. It’s a precious time and again, another one of Eric’s favorites. Of course, it was a planned part of my day but I suddenly realized I did not want to go. I was going alone. This year’s prayers would not be for Eric and me. I did not want to go and pray over a year that would not include him. That somehow seemed like too much for me and the thought of it was really overwhelming. I just kept crying.
Only determination and a desire to do what was right made me go. I waited until almost the last possible minute and I wasn’t very focused but I was there. I just wanted to do what I felt was required and leave because I was sure if I stopped too long I’d just stay there and cry all night. As William and LaTanya prayed, God spoke “peace” and told me all that was required was a pliable heart. I left quickly and went to the car and cried some more.
I had told my kids I’d be going to a party and at least one of them told me I had better follow through. Since I had told them and the host/hostess I’d be there – I went. I absolutely did not want to go. I wanted to stay home and spend the evening curled up under a blanket crying. However, I knew even God was telling me it was best to go. It was a good move. I had a nice time and found several reasons to smile. Christy’s plans had changed and later at home she and I watched the ball drop in Times Square and talked about how fun it would be to be there someday. Now here it is, New Years Day. My devotions for January are focusing on renewal; I think I can use some of that. Part of the introduction for the year says, “He wants to teach you things you’ve never heard before and bring you into truth you’ve never realized before. He wants to anoint you with the Holy Spirit in ways you’ve never experienced and give you power beyond what you thought was possible.” At the end of the year I would like to say that has happened. I would like to look back and realize I have had a pliable heart and God has been able to take me where He wanted to. I admit, not sharing that journey with Eric makes it seem, I don’t know, less real, less possible. The momentum to get started is harder to come by and the excitement that goes with a new journey is not there. When I picture what it would be like if Eric and I were sharing God’s promises for 2009 it’s a whole different feeling than walking through them alone.
Our family is not the only one entering the New Year without someone they love. Many people are navigating new territory and feeling the emptiness of loss. God is available to hold us when we’re afraid, encourage us when we’re uncertain, direct us when we’re confused, teach us, challenge us and renew us. The way He’ll do most of this is through His word. Let’s not start – or finish – this year’s journey without it.
Ps 119:105
Your word is a lamp to my feet and a light to my path.
Ps 119:11-12
Your word I have hidden in my heart,
That I might not sin against You.
Blessed are You, O LORD!
Teach me Your statutes.
Deut 6:6-9
“And these words which I command you today shall be in your heart. You shall teach them diligently to your children, and shall talk of them when you sit in your house, when you walk by the way, when you lie down, and when you rise up. You shall bind them as a sign on your hand, and they shall be as frontlets between your eyes. You shall write them on the doorposts of your house and on your gates.
JEV 