OK – so January is harder than I expected. I really thought it would just kind of slide by as we were on our way to the one year mark, but that hasn’t been the case at all. It seems like every day I think of what we were doing this time last year. January 2008 was not a good month. Eric struggled and was so close to death it was unbelievable but there were so many prayer meetings and such great faith that while things were hard, there was an attitude of expectancy for a miracle. At this time last year, we were still together, talking, believing, praying, sharing communion, saying good morning at the start of each day and good night at its end. Things were not good, but we were together.
As I remember the last few weeks we had together the emotions seem to be harder to handle rather than easier. I don’t sit around all day comparing this year to last or what I had then to what I have now, my mind just seems to go there all on its own. It’s like wanting to hold on to those last few days for as long as I can. It’s weird, I know and I can’t really explain it.
One thing I do know is that a year to recoup from hardship used to seem like adequate time. Not any more. As I have said before, this has been the longest, shortest year of my life. It seems like an eternity has passed since my last kiss and yet like he was still here only days ago. How can time seem so slow and so fast at the same time?
Because a year seems like a long time under other circumstances, I figured a year of grief would seem like enough time to put pieces back together. I have discovered that’s not true. I have been upset with myself because tears still come so easily, because I long for just one more conversation or because I can’t look at certain things or let go of certain items without missing him so bad it’s hard to breathe. I have chastised myself for not being stronger, more resilient or even more spiritual but it doesn’t help. I’m not choosing to feel this grief, I just do. It hasn’t paralyzed me, but it has definitely become a part of who I am.
When I realize that we have managed to walk through 11 months without Eric it almost seems unreal. I can’t begin to describe what that feels like emotionally or physically because there are times it’s so overwhelming that I can feel my heart begin to beat faster just thinking about it. There are days you still want to try and convince yourself it’s not true. There are times you just want everything to stop and be fixed before you have to move on.
I know we have survived these last months because the calendar says we have but it’s been like walking through a fog. Have we really continued with routine? Celebrated events? Made changes? Moved into a new year? How can that be? Why don’t these accomplishments feel like accomplishments? Why does it feel as though I have drug myself through the last 11 months enjoying aspects of them but not really feeling a part of all of them? The experts say that’s pretty typical. Normal. It doesn’t feel normal to me.
Every experience leaves its mark. While I don’t always have a choice about what I feel, I am doing my best to make wise choices in what I do with the feelings. Sometimes I succeed and make a good choice, sometimes I don’t. I have also realized that sometimes there is no good or bad choice – sometimes I just have to experience it and move on. Sometimes I allow myself to cry, sometimes I don’t. I have told myself lately that “it’s been long enough so stop crying” but that means I’m trying to put grief into a nice, neat little box and make it more acceptable. That’s not right or necessary.
Each of us experience loss and grief in a different way. I have a friend who has lost a husband, son and sister all within about 14 months. For me to say her grief will be like mine is not true and to set a timeline for her to recover is not fair. My relationship with Eric was unique – my grief will be also.
There are times when I’m angry. When I hear the song lyrics stating “Tomorrow morning when you wake up and the future is unclear, I will be here” I want to throw something or make Eric stand before me and tell me why that won’t be true for us. Sometimes when I realize anew how many things have changed, I want to demand an explanation from both Eric and God. Of course, they don’t pay any attention to my rantings. 🙂 I have to remind myself God knows what He’s doing then remind myself I need to trust him. Sometimes it takes a lot of reminding.
This walk is challenging my faith in new ways. When there was hardship or uncertainty before – we were a team. Now, I walk it with a missing team member and it’s totally different. I’m learning, but it’s slow.
At Church Triumphant we like to say, “God is good all the time and all the time God is good.” Just because I have trouble processing that right now, it’s not any less true. God’s word is based on His faithfulness, not my experiences – thankfully!
Because of the LORD’s great love we are not consumed,
for his compassions never fail. They are new every morning;
great is your faithfulness.
I say to myself, “The LORD is my portion;
therefore I will wait for him.
Lamantatians 3:22-24 NIV
I know I’ve said it before but I want to say it again: thank you for caring for us so deeply and praying for us so diligently. You are carrying us and we appreciate it. We love you for it.
JEV 