Does It Get Easier?

Yesterday was the 6th anniversary of Eric’s death.  Using the word anniversary with death – or anything we perceive to be negative – just doesn’t seem right.  The word anniversary makes you think of a celebration and although I know that’s not technically correct, it still seems a bit strange when I use the two words together.

Several times over the years I have been asked if it gets easier.  Does being without your soul mate get easier?  Does the emptiness go away or the desire to talk to him disappear?  Do things go back to feeling ‘normal’?  I have realized I most likely would have answered these questions differently at the end of each year.

Loosing Eric was so much harder than I ever imagined such an experience would be.  To say part of me died would not be a poetic statement but an accurate one.  I was numb for months and learned how to function that way.  There have been those who bounced back from the death of someone they loved much more quickly than I and there are others who have struggled longer and harder than I have. There are periods when you are wrapped in sadness and it seems grief will never let go of you.  I think that would describe the first 18 months of my life after Eric died.  After that 18 months I wasn’t automatically back on top of things either, that was just the point when I quit crying every day.  Yes, every day.  For 18 months I cried at some point during every day.  No, I didn’t quit living, I was just sad.  Am I weird?  I don’t know.  I didn’t try to be normal or act in a way I thought acceptable; I just grieved as I needed to.   I am very grateful for friends and family who understood that and loved me while praying for me.

So this year my answer to the question, “Does it get easier?” would be yes.  Yes, it does.  It can be an uphill climb but the mountain can be conquered.  This year I can give that answer without tears falling unbidden down my face and without a heart so heavy I think it will never mend.  This year I know, and don’t just believe, the ache will not always live with me.  I think I will always miss him.  Even now-6 years later-I think about him every single day and my thoughts are mostly happy (vs sad) ones. I have so many good memories and my family and I smile and laugh when we talk about him and sometimes we even laugh at him because he did some very funny things!

I am so very grateful to have had such a love.  Our marriage wasn’t textbook perfect but we sure loved and enjoyed each other and were, in every sense of the word, best friends.  We had love and respect for each other and loved being together.  He taught me so much and spoke such powerful things into my heart that his words still affect me.  He made me laugh and feel cherished.  He has reached his ultimate goal and, though I hate the timing, I am excited for him!  However, being without him does get easier.  By the grace of God, it does get easier.

I leave you with one of Eric’s (many) favorite scriptures:

And we know that God causes everything to work together for the good of those who love God and are called  according to his purpose for them.  Romans 8:28

Love you, Handsome.  Thank you for such a wonderful love affair!