9-14-08 Vacation is over, everyone is back to work or school and Centerpoint has had their first Preview Service. Allow me to bring you up to date and share how things have been going.
On August 18th we drove to Williamsburg , VA for short trip away. Here is my journal entry from the 19th:
“We have faced another milestone and jumped a hurdle.
We are in Williamsburg – without Eric. Everything from now on
will be without Eric.”
Our first vacation without Eric. It was odd and, at times, a little overwhelming for me, but we had a good time. Just being together away from everyday routine and responsibility was nice. The first couple of nights I fell asleep much earlier than usual and slept later in the morning; I was quite a bit more tired than I realized. It was wonderful to wake up and know I did not have a project I was neglecting or something that needed handled that very day. I think there was a lot of emotional need for sleep as well as physical.
We did manage to include Eric in our time together by sharing stories from previous vacations and reminding each other of what he would have said about things we were experiencing. Some things didn’t change and one of them was that we still laughed – at his expense! He always provided some form of unintentional entertainment that followed him through the years! I don’t think he would mind if we laughed about them still. I hope we do that always.
As I walked through the streets of Colonial Williamsburg, I was again faced with the reality that you can change location, but the reality goes with you. In one shop a man was choosing a nice necklace as a surprise for his wife. As I heard him discussing it with the saleslady my heart skipped a beat because that will never happen for me again. No one who knows me inside and out and loves me passionately will buy me something special. No more gifts that have a meaning only the two of us can share. I just walked out of the store so I wouldn’t have to think about it.
Then there are the stores where you see all the things you think he would have liked. No need to purchase those. No purchase of licorice or cashews to munch on – those are Eric’s treats, not mine. No need to find something unusual to be kept for a birthday or Christmas. Those are things you don’t think about on a daily basis but they hit you all of a sudden when confronted with the right circumstances. I am learning to swallow the thoughts, allow my heart to remember, be thankful for what I had and move on, hopefully while holding my chin up.
When we got back from Virginia , Christy started school at Aveda Institute in Columbus . Another milestone and hurdle for our family. She and I had spent a morning at the beach while on vacation and even though we didn’t stay there long, it was a beautiful, relaxing few hours. When she started classes she hit the ground running and I’m sure glad she had that little bit of time to enjoy one of her favorite places.
It took us almost two weeks from the time school started but we finally found her an apartment and a wonderful roommate. Julie, a friend of a friend!, has a two bedroom apartment and has graciously rented her second room to Christy. Christy now lives about 15 minutes from school and loves her new place. She has learned to navigate some of the Columbus traffic and find her way around alone. Yet another change for the VanBuskirk family – Christy is living in Columbus . She is doing well at Aveda and while it’s hard work she is up to the challenge and enjoys learning about skin care and spa treatments. Please pray for her.
Nathaniel began classes at OCU and has become a commuter student for the first time in his college days. It’s quite a different campus than IWU and not only does he live at home, he is learning to juggle being a student and a Youth Pastor. He loves his Youth Ministry and tolerates school! Please pray for him also.
You can also add Christopher and Kristyn to your prayers. please. Centerpoint had their first preview service September 7 and before they even opened their doors they encountered some opposition. They are about the Father’s business trying to reach a generation of young adults who have forgotten, or never known, the Father’s love. Their methods are not exactly traditional, however neither are those they are trying to reach. Their mission is important and covering them in prayer is, too. You can find out more about their plans by visiting www.centerpointlive.com
Our granddaughter, Alivia, turned three this past week and Aubri will be six months old tomorrow. I can hardly believe these girls will never have a memory of Eric holding them, reading to them or praying for them. Jack and Sam, our grandsons will not have those memories either. Sam remembers Papaw and talks of him sometimes. Aubri frequently holds grandpas ring that I wear around my neck and I like it even though she doesn’t understand what it is. Only Madilynn will have any memories of Grandpa Eric. He loved them all, even Aubri before she was here! Even though I’m sad he is not here for them, I am thankful our children all have years of memories. They remember dad telling stories, playing games, praying for them and answering their questions. In my opinion, that stopped way too soon but at least they have that to hold to and draw from.
I am learning and adjusting. There still has not been a tear-free day. Some things are just empty and I am thinking they always will be, other things I am making headway in. Praying is easier for me. Worshipping is not as difficult as it was even just a month ago. I am doing things I wasn’t sure I would ever want to do again. I can’t say my heart is fully engaged, but I definitely feel a change taking place as days go on.
My bed is empty as is my heart. My days are missing a vital element and I so long to talk with my Handsome. I can’t even begin to tell you how good it would feel just to laugh together. I would love to lay my head in his lap or throw a pillow at him or make him a cup of coffee. His birthday is coming and already I am wondering what the day will be like. I would like to celebrate what he has attained but I’m afraid right now my focus is more on what I’ve lost. God is working me through that but some days it’s a slower process than others.
In the last month God has shown me some things I need to let go of and some major adjustments I need to make in my thinking. I feel as though I am revamping myself. It is difficult to feel like you are the left-over half of a couple that doesn’t exist anymore. I believe I am truly experiencing what it is like to be “one flesh” and be separated from half of yourself. It’s such a difficult thing to explain and maybe that’s because it’s spiritual in nature and words just don’t convey the feeling. I never ever imagined this process would be so painful, slow and constant. I certainly never imagined it would be necessary…not for me, maybe others, but not me. You know how that goes.
I am so thankful for the people who continue to pray for me. I do not know anyone who expects me to “snap-out-of-it” and move on and I’m glad because I don’t think I could do it. My family is ever so patient and considerate. My church family is abundant in their prayers and love. I’m a relatively strong person, but this is a tough time and not having to “perform” or “act normal” is such a help in my healing process. I am appreciative of being allowed to move at a pace that is comfortable for me and in a way that is not pressured. Thank you all so much. I’m not sure you can fully realize what a gift that is.
I was listening to my ipod the other day and a Mark Schultz song caught my attention:
What will you do with the time that’s left?
Will you live it all with no regret?
Will they say that you loved till your final breath?
What will you do with the time that’s left.
(Time That Is Left by Mark Schultz)
My decision is that I want to make a difference. Eric’s passion was to tell as many people as possible about God’s gift of salvation, to help all those he knew to learn about Jesus and challenge us to walk through every open door and use every gift we have been given for His glory. For 28+ years I have been part of a team with this goal – I don’t want my goal to change. I have no idea what my contribution will be now – my ministry has only ever been to be Eric’s wife and partner. Prayerfully, God has something in mind for me.
Pastor Aaron and Rachel have taken their family to Florida for a much needed vacation. I hope they are totally enjoying their time together and have many occasions to laugh and play. Remember them when you pray, too!
The 28th is Eric’s birthday – please remember us then.
As the deer pants for water, so I long for you, O God. I thirst for God, the living God.
Where can I find him to come and stand before him? Day and night I weep for his help, and all the while my enemies taunt me. “Where is this God of yours?” they scoff. Take courage, my soul! Do you remember those times (but how could you ever forget them!) when you led a great procession to the Temple on festival days, singing with joy, praising the Lord? Why then be downcast?
Why be discouraged and sad? Hope in God! I shall yet praise him again.
Yes, I shall again praise him for His help.
Yet day by day the Lord also pours out His steadfast love upon me,
and through the night I sing His songs and pray to God who gives me life.
But, O my soul, don’t be discouraged. Don’t be upset. Expect God to act!
For I know that I shall again have plenty of reason to praise Him
for all that He will do. He is my help! He is my God! (Ps 42:1-4,8,11 TLB)
No matter what your circumstances, expect God to act! He has not forgotten about you.
8-17-08 – Well, Kid’s Camp is over and thanks to many, many people it was a success. With great weather, great volunteers, great kids and a great God, we had a great time!! We all learned that God can make a hero out of anyone who is willing to obey Him and do what’s right. A lesson which challenged us adults, too.
As you can imagine, Camp this year was different for me. Eric’s absence touches every part of my life and this was no exception. Knowing he was not here praying for us every step of the way left a void in my heart. At times it was hard to stay focused and if it had not been for a great staff, I’m not sure how things would have gone.
Eric and I did everything as a team, even when only one of us was “frontline”. When one was front, the other was always handling things from the back. Not having my soul mate behind me made things seem strange, a little empty and a bit surreal. Until you have been there, you can’t imagine all the areas of your life that change because the one you love is no longer sharing them with you. I so appreciate all those who picked up my slack, understood my tears and gave me reasons to smile.
Today the kids sang their camp theme song for the congregation after our new “Mrs. Pastor” shared with them what a blessing it was that, as a church, we not only give to kids in other countries, but right here at home – in our own backyard. The congregation thanked me in such a generous way for the work I had done that I was totally overwhelmed not just because they were appreciative, but because that gesture was filled with so much love and support. I’m not sure I could put into words what that meant to me. Not so much because I was appreciated but because I was supported, loved. There’s no way to describe what that can do to a heart that’s weary, empty and sad. Their kindness was the best part of my day.
This has been a week for tears because it seems as though every thing has reminded me that Eric is no longer here. But, I’m not the only one who has had it tough; I’ve talked to others who, for some reason, have had him on their mind. Something as common as mail or as funny as a song will bring thoughts of him and sometimes you laugh, sometimes you cry. Sometimes all you can do is breathe a sigh and hear your heart say yet again, “I wish he was here.”
When Christy and I were driving to camp we shared our tears and she remembered riding to Butler Springs on the motorcycle with him last year. We talked about how hard it is when you have a question you know he would have had an answer for and he’s not there to ask. We talked about the future events he won’t be part of and how thankful we are to have had the benefit of these few years with him.
It’s so very difficult to be happy when he’s gone and so difficult to be upset when you know he has won the prize! Talk about mixed emotions!
Tomorrow we’ll be facing another giant. The kids and I are loading up and heading to Williamsburg , VA. It’s our first vacation without Eric. We can certainly use this time together, but it’s going to be difficult. Family vacations have never been without Eric. Things are incomplete and we’re going to have to learn how to deal with that. We’ve had some great vacations and he has supplied us with plenty of stories to laugh about – mostly stories where he is the one we’re laughing at!! It breaks my heart to know that won’t be happening any more. It’s hard to believe we are going to take a trip without him. I can’t imagine what this is going to be like. Please pray for us.
I would also like to ask you to pray for a friend of mine, Shirley McGraw. Shirley’s husband Mike went to Heaven this week and she has begun walking without her husband of 40+ years. Her family will be with her, but they can’t fix the hurt or make things better overnight. Prayer will be the key for her as it is for all of us. Your prayers have helped me so much and I’m sure they will be a blessing to her also.
I’d like to close with a thought borrowed from Pastor Aaron’s message this morning. We were inspired as he reminded us that we are not moving forward in order to forget, we’re moving forward because we remember. We remember all that was imparted to us. We remember the vision placed in our heart. We remember that the one who is now gone wants us to accomplish the goal, which hasn’t changed simply because he is no longer here. We are Church Triumphant – a family with a call, a message of hope. We will win them, disciple them and send them into “all the earth”! We have a bountiful heritage that will not go to waste. Jesus Christ is still Master of this Body of Believers and His vision for us has not changed. The methods may change but the message stays the same. Glory be to God!
Therefore, since we have this ministry, as we have received mercy, we do not lose heart. We are hard pressed on every side, yet not crushed; we are perplexed, but not in despair; persecuted, but not forsaken; struck down, but not destroyed…For our light affliction, which is but for a moment, is working for us a far more exceeding and eternal weight of glory, while we do not look at the things which are seen, but at the things which are not seen. For the things which are seen are temporary, but the things which are not seen are eternal. Therefore, we make it our aim, whether present or absent, to be well pleasing to Him. (2 Corinthians 4:1,16-18 & 5:9)
7-12-08 A year ago today Eric and I were on a plane headed for Seattle, Washington where we would board a Holland America ship -the Oosterdam – on the 14th to embark on our cruise to Alaska. How excited we were and how grateful to have been given such a gift by our congregation and friends in ministry. How much more grateful I am now. That trip was a wonderful time for us and we expected it to be just the beginning of many more great vacations together. Little did we realize it would be our last one. I spent time this afternoon reading my journal from the days we were on the cruise and remembering the concerts, ports and great friends we met (hi Robin and Erich…hope you enjoyed your 2008 cruise!). Yes, that means I spent the afternoon in a funk, but not the entire day.
Right now I am on my deck as the sun sets, a storm is heard in the distance and a deer runs across the field. It’s peaceful and calming; we have always been very thankful for the place we call home. Most of the day I was around wonderful friends as we worked together at a yard sale to raise money for this year’s Kids Camp. Yard Sale day starts early and Eric and I have gone to the church together these past couple of years to help get things set up. I missed him as I left the house alone. I missed his comments and joking as we set up the items and missed him as we cleaned up in the rain and I came home to an empty house. I figure if you get tapped on the shoulder in heaven every time someone on earth is missing you, his shoulders must have bruises from all the tapping he gets! There is part of me that hopes he knows how much he’s missed. When I’m miserable there’s part of me that hopes he knows that, too!!
We have passed the twenty week mark and are rounding the corner to 21. When I realize that, it almost takes my breath away. The other day I was reading something that made me wonder what he was doing in heaven. I can’t explain how badly I wanted to know the answer to that question. We have shared so many experiences and not being together on this one is hard. I would love to have seen his face as he made that crossing. I would absolutely love to have been there with him when he saw Jesus. Did they embrace? Was he laughing and celebrating or amazed and stunned? Who was there with him? What did Jesus say to him? Aaron says I may one day get to see a replay and Eric used to say he thought we’d probably get to watch all the events of history; I hope they are right. I wonder if Eric and I will watch his rerun together?
In healing, we are pressing forward. There are days I find myself thinking it would be easier to stay in a hole but I know that’s not the case. Doing some things without him is getting to be routine although I can’t say it feels normal at all. I don’t cry when I leave the office without him anymore, I don’t cry every night and I don’t cry when I first wake up. I don’t think about the fact that I don’t need to make coffee daily, or buy foods he likes or fix dinner on time so he can do what he needs to in the evening. I don’t think about those type of things consciously, but they still leave a hollow place. There have still been tears every day. I know God is gently walking me through this thing although sometimes I wish He’d walk a little more closely! I sense His gentleness at times and He faithfully uses His Word and His people to encourage me. I had an experience this week that was a blessing and – of course – made me cry.
I was in Eric’s office (which I still have not been able to make myself clean out) getting a couple of things he had for the yard sale. I decided to see if there was anything else in there I should include. As I was pricing things I just said, “Hon, I hope I’m not putting anything in here you wouldn’t want me to or that I shouldn’t be.” (I know it may seem strange that I talk to him, but that’s just the way it is.) Anyway, a few minutes later I was looking at this calendar that had the art work of Ron DiCianni. It was in the pile to be priced because I thought someone may want it for the pictures even though it was an old calendar. As I was flipping through it I realized it was a copy that was autographed to Eric! It was something that I really shouldn’t sell. I felt like God had stepped in to supply husbandly advice to this young widow. It was one of those moments that made me think I really am still being taken care of and haven’t been left completely on my own.
The Tuesday morning ladies bible study has been a blessing as we worked through a series about hearing the voice of God. The timing is definitely appropriate for me and I received a lot out of it. The girls are all very thoughtful and have allowed me to shed my tears and share my heart. One week the lesson was about God having a plan even when it seemed like the plan had become a mess. Boy – did that ever fit me. I still can’t figure out if this was supposed to be the plan or if it’s a mess up in the middle of the plan. While we were working our way through the lesson I felt as though I could see Eric cheering me on, being excited for me to finish my race even though it is much different than the one we thought it was supposed to be. I don’t even feel I can run the race some days but he’s cheering for me all the way!
We have experienced a lot of things since the last posting:
~~~ Church T participated in Ross County Relay for Life and reached our goal even though we only got on board about three weeks before the event. Thanks to all who donated and participated and especially to Larry and Paula who made it all happen.
~~~Father’s Day – a tough time for all of us. It was Christopher’s first Father’s Day as a dad and our first without Eric so it was a strange happy/sad kind of day.
~~~Nathaniel spent a week ministering to the hurting and homeless in the streets of Toronto, Canada.
~~~At the urging of Philip Cameron, several of us from Church T attended Exaltation in Columbus. Christian Assembly, the hosting church, also lost their pastor recently and that night the speaker decided to minister to them regarding honoring the past and embracing the future. It was so much for us. I cried and cried and was truly blessed to be there. It was a hard night emotionally, but I’m sure a good night spiritually. Philip was asked to close the service and he asked Aaron and I to come forward so they could pray for us as well. This was the same day as our monthly Saturday morning prayer meeting (which had been a powerful time) and some of the things prayed that morning were confirmed and prayed again that night. It was really something and all of us from CT were glad we went.
~~~ We celebrated the 4th of July a little more on the “low key” side than usuall but celebrate we did. We had a picnic, played a few games and watched the fireworks. Some of our family members were on vacation or doing other things so having them and Eric missing made the day seem different.
~~~ Christy extended her stay in Mexico and instead of coming home on July 3rd as planned, will not be home until the end of July. She is enjoying helping with the summer ministry teams and spending time with friends.
~~~Christopher and Kristyn will move into their new home tomorrow! They have done a great job on this fixer-upper thanks to the help of friends and family. I have totally enjoyed having them here these past few weeks and being able to see Aubri daily is a real treat. They keep reminding me they will only be living 10 minutes away but somehow that doesn’t seem the same. I am happy for them to have their own home and be embarking on a new ministry even if I will miss seeing them so often. We have had some wonderful opportunities for late night talks and that has been a joy,
~~~ Wednesday night, (July 9th) Nathaniel was introduced to our youth group and their parents as the new Youth Pastor effective immediately! He has been working with Thomas in preparation for this change and is excited to begin his walk in ministry. He shared his heart with the group that night and it’s obvious God has placed a call and desire for the teens in his spirit. I was really proud of him and couldn’t help but feel this was another one of those moments I wanted Eric to be sharing with us. I wish he had been here as we prayed for Nathaniel and Megan and commissioned them to this work. We are really glad this was something Eric had already set in motion and had discussed with Nathaniel and Thomas. He may not have been there physically but there are those of us who felt for sure he was there in a different sense. Another generation of VanBuskirk’s is going out to share the love of Jesus with a needy world. How cool is that? Announced on Wednesday and taking the group to Kings Island today – whew!
I’m sure I’m forgetting a lot of things because it’s been so long since my last entry. Just know that your prayers are vital to us and even though the road is rough and seems long and dry at times, we are committed to keep walking. It’s an emotional roller coaster and I appreciate those of you who are helping us make it through. I miss my Handsome terribly and sometimes want to talk to him so much it hurts. I miss his hugs and words of encouragement. I miss his smile and his wisdom. I miss my partner. But…God is faithful.
Therefore we also, since we are surrounded
by so great a cloud of witnesses,
let us lay aside every weight,
and the sin which so easily ensnares us,
and let us run with endurance the race that is set before us ,
looking unto Jesus, the author and finisher of our faith,
who for the joy that was set before Him
endured the cross, despising the shame,
and has sat down at the right hand of the throne of God.
~ Hebrews 12:1-2 NKJV
6-10-08 Tonight I will go to bed without Eric for the 113th night in a row. It’s been 16 weeks and it’s one of those paradox things where 16 weeks seems like forever but only a moment at the same time. Sometimes I can hardly believe we are really walking this path. Although I thought I was passed the stage of thinking things would change and go back to normal any minute, I admit that thought did cross my mind a few times these last couple of weeks. Some days I can’t believe how much I long for the sound of his voice in our kitchen or family room.
We have had some fun things take place in the family recently with Nathaniel being accepted at Ohio Christian University , Christy leaving to spend a month in Mexico and Christopher and Kristyn starting work on their home. Christopher also officially began full time ministry this last week. He and I both felt the absence of his dad the day he set up his office; Eric would have loved to share that moment with his son.
I have had some rocky days recently. It seems as though I’m going along fine and all of a sudden the tears just begin to fall. Sometimes I don’t even have a warning they are coming and other times there are things that just hit me really hard; finding an old card, remembering him in a certain location, needing his advice, hearing his laughter in my thoughts. I’ve had a few meltdowns this week and want to say thank you to those people who happened to be around when it happened. Thank you for loving me and allowing me to express my thoughts without making me feel guilty or silly. You are all so thoughtful and kind. What would I do without you?
About two weeks ago a friend of ours ran out of gas and I took him a gas can (no, I’m not going to mention any names!). On the drive there I decided it was time to listen to some music. This is something I still have not been able to enjoy. Music is special to me and not just something to fill the air with noise. I enjoy lots of different styles and artists but since February, I just have not wanted to listen like I usually would. However, this was one of the really pretty days and I knew my heart was being prodded to allow The Word to soak in through music. I obeyed. I cried but it was soothing as well. The next day I listened again. I’d like to share with you a song I heard while being obedient:
I’ve had questions, without answers; I’ve known sorrow, I have known pain
But there’s one thing, that I’ll cling to – You are faithful, Jesus You’re true
When hope is lost, I’ll call You saviour
When pain surrounds, I’ll call You healer
When silence falls, You’ll be the song within my heart
In the lone hour of my sorrow through the darkest night of my soul
You surround me and sustain me my defender, forevermore.
When hope is lost, I’ll call You Saviour
When pain surrounds, I’ll call You healer
When silence falls, You’ll be the song within my heart
And I will praise You, I will praise You. When the tears fall, still I will sing to You
And I will praise You, Jesus praise You, through the suffering still I will sing
Oh yes, You are good to me You’ve always been good to me
so trustworthy
How faithful and true, sustain me through and through –
You’re my spring of living water, you’re my spring of living water
in the lone hour of my sorrow be faithful and true
like a spring it never fails, You’re my spring that never fails
whose springs never fail
Newsboys
When the Tears Fall
Of course listening to this song adds a dimension that can’t be captured in print but even just reading the words you can see why I felt like it was written just for me. I sang the song with tears streaming down my face and gratitude in my heart that God receives a brokenhearted offering. I don’t have to pretend to be healed. I don’t have to sing well or know all the words. My heart was making the statement that even though I don’t understand why we are in this situation and I’m full of sorrow and disappointment, I’ll still cling to Him, trust Him and remember He is with me. I can still serve God and not have to have answers to all my questions. With all my heart I wish Eric was alive, vibrant and healthy and sitting with me right now. He’s not, but I am still going to serve God the best I know how. The enemy may think he won a battle, but He is deceived. Eric has reached Glory and his family and church are still determined to make advances against the kingdom of darkness and take as many people to heaven with us as we can. The devil win? Impossible.
We know the goal, we’re just soldiers marching a little slowly right now. Perhaps we aren’t really marching but being carried by marching angels until we can recover. Either way, we aren’t alone. What a comforting thought.
This Sunday is Father’s Day and I don’t need to tell you what a difficult day that could be for our family. Please pray for all our kids and grandkids as we navigate through this first Dad’s day without their dad and grandpa. Pray for others who are in the same situation this year. Loss is never easy and holidays make it even more difficult.
Remember:
Be anxious for nothing, but in everything by prayer and supplication, with thanksgiving, let your requests be made known to God; and the peace of God, which surpasses all understanding, will guard your hearts and minds through Christ Jesus. Finally, brethren, whatever things are true, whatever things are noble, whatever things are just, whatever things are pure, whatever things are lovely, whatever things are of good report, if there is any virtue and if there is anything praiseworthy — meditate on these things. The things which you learned and received and heard and saw in me, these do, and the God of peace will be with you. ( Philippians 4:6-9 NKJV)
5-25-08 Our family has reached another milestone as we celebrated Christopher and Kristyn’s college graduation! They both graduated Manga Cum Laude (!) and are glad those college tests are finally over. They’re also glad to be moving back to Ohio .
They have found a nice home in Chillicothe that needs a little work so, guess what? – they will be staying with us for a few weeks until it’s ready. Isn’t that heaven for a grandma? It will be a pleasure to have them here. We have gone from three adults to five adults, a baby, a cat, a basset hound and a St. Bernard. Oh yes, I said a St. Bernard. Thanks to Nathaniel, we now have a 100 pound puppy sharing our house. This puppy is only half the size he will be when full grown but he thinks he’s a lap dog. He’s lovable but definitely not a lap dog. Zeke’s greatest mission in life is to play and make sure he stays right beside you in case he might miss something fun.
We are making adjustments and your prayers are helping. When you send notes of encouragement or ask us how things are going, it means more than you know. Many of you have said you feel frustrated because you don’t know what to do to help us but it is a great help to know others realize how hard this is. Your notes, prayers and hugs minister to us in a big way. Believe me, if there was something anyone could do to make this better, I’d say so in a heartbeat. Don’t feel too frustrated, I don’t know what to do either.
This morning in prayer meeting, I was prayed for and it went deep to my heart. Times like that keep me going, keep me believing God is still involved even though it seems as though things have been turned upside down.
Today was so beautiful and I couldn’t help but think this would have been a perfect day for a motorcycle ride. A nice, slow ride around the countryside watching all nature awaken and blossom was always a treat. I sat on the porch swing for a while looking at the beauty, remembering times Eric and I have spent on that swing relaxing, talking, planning, reading. As I sat there the words to a chorus we used to sing came to mind:
When my heart is overwhelmed, hear my cry
give heed to my prayer. When my eyes are dim with tears,
oh, Father, make them clear.
From the ends of all the earth, when my heart is fainting,
let me know that You have heard;
Lead me into safety.
Lead me to the Rock, the Rock that’s higher.
Lead me to the Rock that’s higher than I.
Lead me to the Rock, the Rock that’s higher;
so much higher than I.
I haven’t thought of that song for years, but the words fit me right now. Overwhelmed, crying out, tearful eyes, a fainting heart, uncertain as to whether or not God is hearing – all these things describe me. I believe God told me what to pray because attempting to sing the words definitely became a prayer. He knew what my heart wanted to say even though I couldn’t express it. He gave me the words I needed.
This morning in prayer meeting the word was that God was gently massaging my heart. He was carefully tending to it and holding it closely to make sure it would heal. To have that vision planted in my thoughts was like balm on an open wound. I have not pictured it like that and it was comforting to think of God gently tending my broken heart. The prayers went to the depths of my soul.
I have been reading “The Word for You Today” and last week one of the entries stated: “God is able to take the sting out of the memory and still leave the sweet taste of victory intact. No longer will you be handicapped or hindered by what you’ve been through; instead you’ll be enriched by it!” Reading that made me say, “Yeah. Right.”, but it struck me enough that I underlined it and pray it will be true for us. I can’t imagine being enriched by Eric’s death, but I can pray not to be handicapped or hindered by it forever.
Poet Patrick Overton said, “When you come to the edge of all the light you have and are about to drop off into the darkness of the unknown, faith is knowing that one of two things will happen: there will be something solid to stand on, or you’ll be taught to fly.” I have to believe God has things in control and will make good come from this. What is darkness to me now, will become light later. I don’t want to step into the unknown, but when I do, I will stand or I will fly, which ever is necessary.
You see, I can’t believe that Eric’s prayers will stop being effective just because he is not here saying them anymore. He poured his heart into prayer and he didn’t say prayers that pertained only to the moment at hand. His prayers were for the future as well as the present. His family, his church, his country, his passions are all still part of that future. Things are still going to happen because Eric prayed. God is faithful.
The same is true of prayers you and I pray. God is faithful. My prayers are not lame because I don’t believe or I don’t want to talk to God but because my heart is in pieces. But God still hears my groanings. He knows my heart is overwhelmed and my eyes are filled with tears. He’s faithful.
Praying is like planting seed. Some harvest is faster than others and sometimes you plant seeds in one location and you move to another one before you see them at their maturity. Eric has moved. He isn’t here to see the harvest of his prayers, but there will still be a harvest (and I think he’ll see it)!
Keep praying. Be diligent to pray. Think beyond yourself and allow God to birth new things in your prayers. I know the prayers of a lot of people are bringing us through a healing process. God is faithful. Something else said in prayer meeting this morning was that I have been living the logos – head knowledge – of scripture but God is going to change that and soon I will act in the Rhema – spiritually alive. I’m doing what I know to do because it’s right but soon my spirit will be alive in what I do. I look forward to that!
…praying always with all prayer and supplication in the Spirit,
being watchful to this end with all perseverance and supplication
for all the saints (Ephesians 6:18 NKJV)
For the weapons of our warfare are not carnal
but mighty in God for pulling down strongholds,
casting down arguments and every high thing
that exalts itself against the knowledge of God,
bringing every thought into captivity
to the obedience of Christ,
(2 Cor 10:4-5 NKJV)
5-11-08 Mother’s Day 2008. A totally different one than all the others before it and not the one I would have pictured this time last year. It was a rough day for me emotionally but our family spent a nice afternoon together and Christopher, Kristyn and Aubri called to say hi. They even sent me a video greeting! There is much to be sad about yet much to be thankful for.
I will have to say, I wasn’t quite prepared for the depth of my ache today. I missed Eric with everything in me. Each year he would give me a card and it always included a note or a letter affirming me as a wife and mom and expressing his joy at the life we shared. I missed that greatly today. I missed my hugs and kisses. I missed hearing him pray and thank God for all the ladies in our group as we shared a family meal. I guess I just plain missed him big time.
A few years ago Eric planted a little maple tree in our back yard and this year it’s looking a little strange. The left side of the tree has leaves and looks just like a young tree should in the spring. The right side has no leaves and looks like it’s not quite alive. Half of the tree looks healthy and alive and half looks dead. The first time I noticed this, I thought of Eric and me. One of us is dead and one is alive. The problem is, I can’t figure out which is which. Eric is dead, but more alive than we can understand. I am alive, but feel dead inside. Which one of us is really alive??
John 11:25 says, “He who believes in Me, though he may die, he shall live.” That means Eric is alive; vibrantly, fully, forevermore alive. I’m not dead physically or even spiritually, but I’m finding it a great challenge to stay ‘alive’ emotionally. Every day brings new hurdles and I’m so thankful for family and friends who are helping me make my way through these challenges. My tears don’t embarrass them, my sadness doesn’t make them want to avoid me, and my lack of excitement doesn’t keep them from including me. “There is a friend who sticks closer than a brother.” (Proverbs 18:24) I thank God for friends like that.
Some of you may know that I won the Columbus Woman of the Year award. One day at lunch with some friends, I made the comment that we should go to New York and shop. Well, that’s exactly what happened!! Last Monday night, Christy, my sister Joyce, sister-in-law Jennifer, and extended family Heather Crosby, Eva Gerber and I boarded a plane for New York City ! We spent four days enjoying the sights, sounds (and tastes!) of the Big Apple. Several hours of that time was spent at THE Macy’s but we also spent time on 5th Avenue, at Central Park, Times Square, Ground Zero, touring town on the double-decker bus, and trying out the food! New York cheesecake is great, right girls?!
The night we arrived we discovered our room was on the 42nd floor! The view was fun, the room really nice and we were all like a bunch of kids as we anticipated our week. I wanted so badly to be able to call Eric and describe everything to him. It was so strange to be experiencing something in a totally new place and not be able to tell him about it. In the middle of all the fun, his absence was so noticeable.
All through the week, knowing Eric was not home thinking about me and wondering what I was doing brought an empty feeling. We never went away from each other and didn’t talk (sometimes even a couple times a day) unless Eric was out of the country and a phone wasn’t available. It’s been almost 12 weeks and I long for a conversation with my best friend. My dad said today he wished Eric had a cell phone with him because there have certainly been several times dad has wanted to talk to him! I know what he means.
This transition is affecting every part of my life and I am continually finding new areas I need to adjust to. Some days things pretty much follow a fairly predictable pattern and other days something new crops up and brings a whole new set of things to deal with and process. Facing my first Mother’s Day without Eric was one of those things. I don’t know how I’ll do on Father’s Day. I don’t know how I’ll do as I make the decisions that soon need to be made. I’m not sure what it will be like spending the long days of summer without sharing a nice leisurely talk on the porch after work each day. Hey, I’m not even sure what it will be like when I walk into the office tomorrow. Emotionally things are unpredictable. In the midst of this, it’s nice to know God is the same yesterday, today and forever. (Hebrews 13:8)
I know my loss is not unique and lots of wives have experienced it and survived. Some days I think I’ll crumple and never get up again, but history tells me that won’t be the case. Others have lived through circumstances much more traumatic than we are facing. I know God’s grace is sufficient for me, for His strength is made perfect in weakness.(2 Cor 12:9) Right now I certainly fit the weakness category. I really appreciate all of you who pray for us. It’s really hard to describe what things are like inside my head and heart right now. There is nothing I can do that doesn’t make me remember Eric is no longer here. We were such a team, such good friends and truly loved being together that doing anything without him simply reminds my heart that half of it is missing. God made the heart to heal…I hope.
On May 5th my perpetual calendar reading was:
So long as you put yourself in God’s hands,
nothing can keep Him from turning your life
into the beautiful creation He always intended it to be.
On May 10th it read:
You are a potential work of art in which God wants
to reveal His power, glory, love and creativity.
I have to remind myself constantly that I haven’t been forsaken or forgotten. Some day I will live again and not just exist. To say that God has a plan for me is not as easy as it was 6 months ago. Then the reality that God had a plan seemed normal, even expected. Now it seems as though I have been dumped on a curb somewhere and at some point in time God will come along, pick me up, see if I’ve weathered the storm and then decide if there’s a place for me and if He can do anything with me. I realize all of that is not true, but while I’m floundering in the land of grief it seems real to me. I am oh so grateful God is patient, loving and kind. I’m so thankful He is a God of mercy.
On a good note, Christopher and Kristyn (along with Nathan Strange) graduate from Greenville College on Sunday, May 18th! Once again (probably for the last time) we’re making the trip to Illinois and this time we will celebrate their accomplishment…..and spend time with Aubri! Eric would be so proud.
4-29-08 Thank you all for your prayers….I had a milestone moment this week! Monday I was the last one to leave the office. Christy and I were going to Columbus when I got home so I packed up my things and headed for the door. I set the alarm and reached for the front door when I realized I hadn’t cried as I was leaving. That’s a first! Usually when I’m the last one to leave and I don’t need to call Eric’s office to tell him I’m going home or I haven’t had a call from him saying the same, the reality of what has happened hits me and I dissolve in tears. But not Monday; Monday night I left the office without crying. To some that may seem like a small thing, but to me it was a step forward. I cried when I went in that morning and I cried in the afternoon, but not when I was leaving! Whoo hoo!
I have to admit, moving forward seems like a deliberate attempt to leave Eric behind and there’s a part of me that rebels against the thought. I don’t want to leave him behind, I don’t want “us” to be part of the past and not the present or the future. There are times I feel like I’m being disloyal if I move on and he’s not moving with me. I know that’s hard to understand and doesn’t make rational sense, but the feeling is real. It seems unnatural to think of ‘being’ without him. Honestly, it is unnatural.
It’s unnatural for his side of the bed to be empty for 10 weeks now. It’s not natural that we haven’t prayed together, laughed together, shared a meal or a kiss. It’s unnatural to be planning things and not be able to get his advice or opinions. It’s not natural that he hasn’t held his new granddaughter, fixed things around the house or taken a motorcycle ride. But, unnatural or not, unfortunately, it’s reality.
An anonymous author wrote, “What the heart has once known, it shall never forget.” My heart will never forget the love I was privileged to have. I will go forward as God has obviously directed I should, but my past will always be a part of my present and my future. I have no doubt that even now I am experiencing the benefit of prayers my partner prayed long, long ago. God is faithful and Eric was diligent to pray for his family, friends and his church. I am sure God will direct me through the minefield of walking into the future.
Some of my devotionals this week have talked of abandonment to God. Oswald Chambers says, “There is nothing easier than getting into a right relationship with God except when it is not God Whom you want but only what He gives.” “Are you prepared to ask yourself what it is you want from God and why you want it? He is not concerned about making you blessed and happy just now; He is working out His ultimate perfection all the time”- (My Utmost for His Highest, April 27th)
It is true that God is not concerned about making us happy and blessed as much as he is about making us one with Him. (John 17:11) In the April 28th devotional, Mr. Chambers talks of abandonment to God. He challenges us to decide if we want to be in a union with God more than we want what we call “great things”. A quote from this days study is, “The test of abandonment is in refusing to say – “Well, what about this?” Immediately you allow – what about this? – it means you have not abandoned, you do not really trust God. Immediately you do abandon, you think no more about what God is going to do.
In the past 10 weeks I’m not sure I’ve been abandoned to God’s plan. I definitely questioned it and certainly didn’t whole heartedly embrace it. I don’t like it even now. But God has told us “My thoughts are not your thoughts, Nor are your ways My ways,” says the LORD. For as the heavens are higher than the earth, So are My ways higher than your ways, And My thoughts than your thoughts. (Isaiah 55:9) As much as I hurt and as big a gap as Eric’s resurrection has left, God has a plan.
The April 29th devotion says, “The nature of spiritual life is that we are certain in our uncertainty. We are uncertain of the next step but we are certain of God.” We need to take care that our Christianity is built on God and not on what we think He will do or what He can give us. We need to prepare to follow Him no matter where the path leads. To quote Mr. Chambers again, “When we become advocates of a creed, something dies; we do not believe God, we only believe our belief about Him. ‘Believe also in Me’, said Jesus, not – believe certain things about Me.”
Have you ever considered the trust – or frustration – it took for Job to say, “Though He slay me, yet will I trust Him.” (Job 13:15) I have a feeling he would have preferred to be slain rather than continue to live through loss after loss and days and days of grief, but that’s just a guess. However, no matter what was being thrown at him, he was going to trust God. Keep in mind he didn’t have the new covenant we do. He was trusting without New Testament promises or the resurrection being a reality. Job was sitting in ashes with boils all over his body and his wife telling him to curse God and die but he knew God would prove true in the end no matter how long it took to get there or what occurred along the way. Job trusted God, period. That should be our goal. It’s easy to say we trust but not always easy to live it. I would like to be able to say “I trust God, period.”, and have my life prove it’s so.
As we read the scripture we can find Abraham trusted in the face of adversity as did Joshua, Ruth, King David, Zacharias and Elizabeth, the disciples and Mary, Jesus’ mother. That doesn’t mean they didn’t have questions and never battled fear or sorrow it just means they trusted God to work things out for HIS glory. We have to remember, it’s HIS glory that’s important, not ours. He’s writing this story and has the best end planned. Sometimes the plot takes a turn we didn’t expect, but the Author was ready and the story goes on. I’m reminding myself daily, sometimes hourly, that the Author is in control and knows what He’s doing.
I miss my Eric terribly. Things have happened this week that I wish he were here to share. But, the Author will teach me how to move on and still hold dear the love that fills my heart without allowing that love to become a wall between me and the future. It seems like an impossible task to me, but Jehovah is a God who loves to do the impossible!
This Thursday is National Day of Prayer and I hope each of you will make it a priority to join in some of the festivities in your area. If you live close and would like to join us in Ross County we will meet in front of the Court House at Noon and again at 7 PM; we’d love to have you.
If you can’t make it to a gathering, spend a little extra time that day to pray for our nation, its political leaders, its churches, the military, our educational system, our family structure and the media; these are some of the areas we have been asked to focus on this year. According to Romans 8:26, God will direct us in what we should pray. Let’s believe for a true revival in our country!
4-22-08 Sometimes, sometimes, during a normal activity, I can almost forget, almost think things are really normal. Then in an instant, I remember they’re not. Something’s wrong. Something’s missing. My heart – it’s my heart that’s missing.
I am learning how to adjust to this new life. I have stopped holding on to the hope that it’s all a dream and Eric’s not really gone. I know things will never be like they were but while my head may know that, my heart hasn’t quite caught the idea. It’s been 9 weeks and my heart aches to see his smile and hear him say my name.
This last week or so has been an up and down ride. Some days were very difficult and I had to force myself to do almost everything. Other days went along without too many low spots. As I look back I realize life took place. I paid the taxes (ouch!) and managed to do it on time. My nephew, Jordan, was inducted into the Waverly High School National Honor Society. We made it through another church Board meeting. I scheduled the Ladies Retreat and had lunch with a friend. I attended the Jackson High School production of “Hello, Dolly” which was very enjoyable (great job Alex, Anna, Lauren, Caleb, Philip, Kathy and Shadra!). I have cried, smiled, wondered, felt normal and empty at the same time. I have relived and cherished some great moments from the past and felt sorrow there will be no new memories which will include Eric. It hardly seems possible that life will go on and he won’t be here with us. How does it happen that one who is so pivotal is suddenly missing?
Our newest little granddaughter came to visit this week and attended Church Triumphant for the first time! What a treasure it is to have her and how sad it is that Papaw Eric is not here to share our joy. Most of my Saturday morning was spent holding Aubri and talking to her mom; it was a very pleasant way to start the weekend! Nate and Johnny, who are helping Christopher and Kristyn with Centerpoint, were here for the weekend and it was fun getting to know them a bit.
Sunday afternoon we had a “Meet Aubri” cookout for the family and it was such a beautiful day. The kids played and we all took turns holding Aubri, who didn’t mind even a little bit being passed around to all the waiting arms. As an extended family, we are all still learning to adjust to Eric not being with us at those gatherings. We do all the normal things but things don’t always feel normal.
While the family was all here, a couple of friends, Nathaniel and I slipped into the back yard and chose a nice spot for a tree. They wanted to plant a tree in memory of Eric and I was really touched. It’s an Autumn Blaze Maple that will (hopefully) be about 30 feet tall at maturity and will be a beautiful red color in the Fall. Eric loved a yard with beautiful maples and oaks and was always considering putting a few more in for us so this was a very fitting tribute.
Nathaniel helped plant while Shelley and I cried and our friends shared what a blessing Eric was to them and how much they missed him. I told them when the tree was bigger and provided shade I was going to put a bench under it so I could sit out there and tell Eric what I thought of him leaving us so early!
I also had another blessing when a friend brought me some of Eric’s old sermons. They were hand written and she had been asked quite some time ago to type them and save them on a disc. One of them was about marriage and was titled “Till Death Parts Us”. Boy did that bring the tears. The message talked about the different styles of marriage personalities and Eric’s encouragement to hang with things when they’re tough. The last line on the page said, “Happily Ever After is possible.” I like to think he was speaking from experience!! We loved being married to each other. Things weren’t always perfect, but we found joy in life and our relationship. He was a wonderful partner and I am blessed to have shared his life for over 28 years. It wasn’t long enough, but it is definitely cherished.
God has been walking me through a few things spiritually this week. One is praise. I still don’t have that one down. I can sing as long as the words don’t bring a question to my heart. At home when I begin to sing, the words usually quit coming after about 2 lines of the song. Again, my heart isn’t quite caught up to reality yet. But I read something this week that reminded me some things about praise:
To give thanks when you don’t feel like it is not hypocrisy; it’s obedience.
Dr. John G. Mitchell
Cofounder of Multnomah School of the Bible
Praise isn’t denying the pain but pronouncing who God is in the midst of your pain.
Kathe Wunnenberg
Author “Grieving the Loss of a Loved One”
Kathe Wunnenberg also writes “It’s all right if our praise emerges in the midst of our pain. Joyful praise isn’t necessarily more valuable to God. He doesn’t enjoy our praise on the basis of how warm and happy we feel but on the condition of our hearts.” My head knows these things but my heart is having to relearn them yet my heart longs to be lost in praise and my head puts on the brakes. Talk about being stuck! Since I know I desire to offer God complete praise I’m confident He’ll walk with me until I can do it. In the meantime, I’ll keep offering what I can and watch my offering increase.
Something else I have thought about this week is, what if time is short. If it is and Jesus is coming again soon, what do I want Him to “catch” me doing when He comes? I can’t help but mourn, my grief is real and God knows that. However, I don’t want to be “caught” mourning in excess, to be stuck in mourning. I want to be effective for The Kingdom which means I have to keep my eyes on Him, keep my focus on the eternal and walk where He leads. It’s what we have always believed and what we have always practiced but now it has taken on a different dimension for me. I’m learning to do old things under new circumstances. I have help though:
The LORD says, “I will guide you along the best pathway for your life.
I will advise you and watch over you. (Psalm 32:8 NLT)
I’m counting on that scripture being true for me and our family. We all know we need the guidance of Jesus more now than ever before because the one who was our leader, our prayer warrior is no longer with us. Even though Eric is gone, God is not. Heb 13:5 says “be content with such things as you have. For He Himself has said, “I will never leave you nor forsake you .” (NKJV) So, right now I am thankful for all I do have and, in time, I will learn to be content with the way things are. God has said He will never leave us and we know (according to Philippians 4:13) I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me. (NKJV) so I’m sure as we avail ourselves to God, He’ll get us through. And if time really is short…well, there’s more for me to look forward to on the other side than there was 65 days ago!
My mom and dad are doing well; thank you for asking. Mom’s surgery to remove and test lymph nodes was last week and the tests show no cancer in any of the nodes! She and dad are a bit tired but are recovering well from surgeries, colds and trips to Columbus. Please keep them in your prayers.
Soon you will read in the newspaper that I am dead. Don’t believe it for a moment.
I will be more alive than ever before.
D.L. Moody
4-13-08When I read things like this quote I am truly happy for Eric and what he must be experiencing right now. It must be marvelous to be partaking of the wonders God has prepared in a place where there is no sorrow, no pain, no disease and no fear but an abundance of joy, peace, adventure, vivid colors and so many things we can’t even begin to imagine not to mention the uninterrupted presence of God! It’s a place we all long to go – and not just for a visit either. Eric has arrived and is more alive than he ever was when he was here with us. He has reached the ultimate destination and is enjoying wonders we have never even thought of. It’s what he has looked forward to for over 30 years and we really do have a measure of joy for him.
I say “measure” of joy because it’s hard to be completely joyful as we adjust to life without one so important to us, one so pivotal in our daily life. Not having Eric to talk to, eat dinner with, discuss important decisions or even laugh with is much harder than I would have imagined. No matter how normal you try to keep the routine, there is something missing.
This week I have realized even more deeply than ever that I have lost the only other person who shares so many very special memories with me. There is no one else who will remember when I was proposed to, the moment our children were born, what it was like to experience God’s provision when we had nothing or what it was like to lose our first child (whom Eric is now enjoying!). There are the fun times like our first vacation, enjoying lazy dinners on the screened-in porch of our first home, buying our first new car, taking motorcycle rides and walking along the beach. When I talk about our Alaskan cruise, no one else will be able to share those memories and recount the stories. No one will be able to smile about our first Christmas or the time we first discovered we were going to be parents. There are so many things that just don’t have the same joy when you remember alone. Not to mention that Eric would have told the stories with his own unique twist and two memories make for a much more interesting account than one! There are a lot of special jokes that will not be an active part of my future. This has been a tough part of our loss to process. I shall forever miss this part of my husband –the part that was my best friend.
Each day I try to do what I’m supposed to. It takes me a bit longer because I can’t seem to get motivated. At least I’m not crying first thing every morning. I don’t like looking at the empty side of the bed when I wake up, but at least I’m not crying before I ever open my eyes. It’s not as much fun to get up when Eric’s not there to smile at me and tell me good morning.
It’s funny but I never realized how much my ability to think or process things would be affected by grief. Things that were common place all of a sudden trigger a rush of emotion; something as simple as a toothbrush or a pillow or a sweater. Because some things were pretty typical in a day you expect them but they never happen. Eric doesn’t stop by my office for a kiss when he’s on his way to the Youth Sanctuary to spend time in prayer. There’s no phone call from his office to say he’s headed home. Even though making coffee was always a necessary, everyday task around here, we haven’t made more than one pot in the last 6-7 weeks. Who would have ever thought our coffee pot would stay cold for so long? Everything has changed. There is not one area of our life that is the same as it was this time last year.
However, we are surrounded with a bunch of people who love us and are determined to see us through these rough waters. Last week our church blessed us by supplying the funds to purchase a monument for Eric’s grave as well as presenting me with a dozen yellow roses as a congratulations for winning Columbus Woman of the Year. Their support is invaluable. They are not shaking their heads wondering when we’re going to “get over it” and “get on with life” but are rather holding on to us as we hurt and helping us see more clearly when things look cloudy. As each card is delivered, each hug is shared or each word of encouragement is spoken it helps us take a step in the healing process. Family and friends are constantly praying and I have no doubt that is the key to us staying afloat. I don’t know any words which can express our appreciation for that kind of love. Thank you is all I can think of; thank you, thank you, thank you.
I am also experiencing a different interpretation to a well-known scripture: yea, though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death, I will fear no evil; For You are with me; Your rod and Your staff, they comfort me. (Psalm 23:4) I’m realizing it’s not just the person who dies who walks through the valley of the shadow of death. Those of us who are left also walk the valley. God says He is with us, He comforts us and because of that we don’t have to fear any evil. In verse three He says He will restore our soul. Grief tears at your soul; your heart hurts, your body is tired and your mind seems numb. What a comfort to know our Maker is also our Restorer. When walking through the ‘valley of the shadow’ rest can be a hard thing to find but God promises in verse two to lead us by still waters and give us green pastures in which to rest. He didn’t say He would keep us from having to walk through the valley but He did say He would provide for us while we’re in it. That is a comfort I need to wrap my heart around and hang on to.
It’s been almost 8 weeks and it hurts as much now as it did then. Some things get easier, others get harder. Sometimes it truly does feel like two steps forward three steps backward. But at least we’re moving! Thanks to every one of you who are making that possible. Thank you for being such a blessing.
4-5-08 It was supposed to be a normal kind of stop. I just needed to go to the Hallmark store and pick up a couple of cards for some relatives. Of course, finding just the right card wasn’t so easy, but there were lots to choose from so I was confident I would soon be finished with this task. However, while trying to locate the right section I felt my stomach start to tighten and my heart start to beat faster.
There were section dividers indicating you could find birthday cards on this rack, thank you cards on that one and on and on. There were dividers that said “husband”, “anniversary”, “romance”, “love”, “dad”. I couldn’t stop myself from thinking about the times in the past I had purchased cards from those racks; times I patiently read dozens until just the right one appeared. Now those words only bring about a pain that is hard to comprehend. To realize that my children will never again go to the “dad” section to look for a card for their father was almost more than I could bear. I will not get to search for the right message to tell Eric how wonderful I think he is. I found a card that was almost right for my present need and left the store.
Later that day I was in the grocery. Even buying food is different these days. I think of things that were Eric’s favorites, I remember how he used to put things in the cart I would never have purchased if he hadn’t been with me(!) and I realize we will never again share a decision on what to have for dinner. You would think a little chore like buying fruit and veggies wouldn’t tug at your heart, but it does.
Then I realized I may not be the only one in the store going through this experience. Probably every time I’m in the grocery someone else in there has had their life disrupted that day. Maybe not by something as permanent as death, but maybe so. Maybe sickness, or an argument, or a best friend moving away has caused them to feel the burden of grief. I have most likely walked beside them and was completely unaware of their struggle. We don’t always know what others are going through. But I guarantee you if my inside had been on the outside today, it would have been obvious things were not well. This experience will serve to help me try to be more aware of those around me and cause me to be sensitive to the Spirit as I go about my daily tasks.
I never realized grief was so all consuming or that it could come at you with the least little provocation at any time it chooses. I was not prepared for the way it zaps your strength or slows your thinking. Even though my sorrow is not without hope, it is sorrow none-the-less. It is difficult to adjust to such a loss, to realize even the small, simple joys that were shared together are out of your grasp for good.
I am hopeful this state will change since John 16:20 says, “I tell you the truth, you will weep and mourn while the world rejoices. You will grieve, but your grief will turn to joy. (NIV) I am hoping that one day sorrow will be joy and mourning will turn to dancing. Honestly, I can not even imagine that at this point, but I know God can work wonders in a heart that’s surrendered so I’m working to make sure mine stays that way.
Even in the midst of sorrow God brings bright spots. I got to spend a whole week with my new granddaughter, Aubri, Christopher and Kristyn, and of course, Lulu. I totally enjoyed my time with them and loved holding Aubri as often as I could (her parents made sure that was a lot!). Yes, I cried when it was time to leave them. They’ll be home in a few weeks and I’ll get a little more grandma time with the newborn, but there will be a lot more people to share with here!
When I got home I was met at the airport by Nathaniel and Christy who, with a balloon and a yellow rose, welcomed me home and congratulated me on winning the Columbus Woman of the Year award! We went out to dinner to celebrate and I felt very loved.
Winning that award is another one of the bright spots God blessed me with this week. It was exciting to win but it’s been even more fun to hear from all of you who were excited for me. There is nothing like having a great family and really good friends and I so appreciate all of you very much. In this really tough time of life, you have surrounded me with prayer and encouragement and have truly gone the second mile to help me bear this load. There is no way I can tell you how much that means and how much it has helped keep me focused.
At least once every day someone tells me they are praying for us. This morning at our monthly prayer meeting, the covering was sweet and no one minded that I cried yet again. You all are wonderful and an honest to goodness life-line. You are helping us more than you know and even if you never see us, or talk with us in person, your prayers are reaping a harvest. I know because I’m not in bed all day every day with the covers pulled over my head!! Thank you all so much.
So you will know, my mom and dad are both doing well and mom has an appointment with the oncologist soon; he will determine what is to be done about treatments after that visit. Dad’s next eye surgery is in May and he is doing fine with recovery from the first one. Aaron and Rachel’s little Aric is doing better and better. Thank you for your prayers for all of them.
So with you: Now is your time of grief,
but I will see you again and you will rejoice,
and no one will take away your joy.
John 16:22-23 NIV
Aubri goes to church Madilynn & Aubri Two weeks old
3-30-08 I’m in Illinois sharing time with my new, precious little granddaughter Aubri (and her parents!). It’s a joy to be here and share some of the first few days of her life. Having more than a weekend to spend with Christopher and Kristyn is nice, too!
This morning we took Aubri to church for the first time! She was as good as gold all through it and we adults were certainly glad. While there we sang the following song and it was one of those times the words reached out and grabbed me and I had no choice but to consider what I was being asked to sing to God:
Blessed be Your Name in the land that is plentiful, where Your streams of abundance flow, Blessed be Your Name.
Blessed be Your Name when I’m found in the desert place, though I walk through the wilderness, blessed be Your Name.
Blessed be Your Name when the sun’s shining down on me, When
the world’s all that it should be, blessed be Your Name.
Blessed Be Your Name on the road marked with suffering, though
there’s pain in the offering, Blessed Be Your Name.
(Blessed Be Your Name by Matt Redmond)
In the land that is plentiful, during abundance, when the sun is shining and everything is just wonderful; blessed be the name of the Lord. Those are pretty easy words to sing and it’s pretty easy to sing praise when things are like that. What about the other part? What about when we’re in the desert or a wilderness or when there is suffering? What if we think things are going wrong? What if death seems to have robbed us and left us weak and hurting? Is the Name of the Lord still blessed? Do we still praise the Lord during those times? Those situations are very real in my life right now; I am making a conscious decision to praise on a daily basis, sometimes reminding myself of that decision several times a day. It’s my guess you may be, too – for one reason or another.
This is a desert experience for our family. Trying to make decisions and live life without Eric is much like walking in a wilderness. Which way do we go? What’s the right decision? Since we’ve never been here before, it can be a pretty lonely, confusing place. There is definitely suffering involved, emotional suffering that is sometimes so intense it becomes physical. Will I bless the name of the Lord?
I know God is in control and the name of the Lord is to be praised. (Psalm 113:3) I offer praise to God because it is the right thing to do – and I can promise you, as the song says, there is sometimes pain in the offering. Giving praise is not always easy nor is it always done with a joyful heart. Praise can be an act of obedience, plain and simple. However, praise offered out of obedience and with love, is pleasing to the Lord.
I was being quiet before the Lord a couple of days ago, contemplating the road that stretches out before me without Eric and I rather abruptly said, “God, what’s the deal? Do you have any idea how long I could be alive? Do you have any idea how long I could be a widow?” Now, think about that for a minute. Of course He knows, it’s me who doesn’t know!! What was I thinking? The funny thing is, I was serious. When I asked that question, I was emphatic and really wondered if God had a clue what He was asking of me. Since He didn’t consult with me about all of this, I guess I figured He didn’t really know what He was doing.
Things in my life are changing. Changes I never wanted are happening and changes Eric and I both knew were coming I am now facing without him. Some of these are small, everyday changes and some are new and uncharted territory for me and the kids. Even the small changes can seem like mountains. I never really wanted to be a mountain climber but climbing is a lot better than being a pillar of salt in the valley. I am trying to find the delicate balance between looking back in remembrance and living in the past. I plan to move forward even if the process of climbing up the mountain is rather slow. Since God says He will supply all my need according to His riches in glory by Christ Jesus (Philippians 4:19) I guess I’ll have what it takes to reach the top. Mind you, some days I am dragging my feet and whining so my progress may be a little slow!
Sometimes combining the past with the future is helpful to the healing process. I had the opportunity to do just that this week. My daughter, my mom, my sister, my sisters-in-law and I spent some time in the last few weeks making a quilt for Aubri. We got together and used the shirts from Eric’s closet to cut squares and piece them together in a rather roughly done patchwork quilt. Thanks to this labor of love Aubri now has a remembrance of her Grandpa Eric and even though she will never be able to hear him pray for her or feel his hugs, she can wrap up in that quilt and know that he loved her and prayed for her from the very day he knew she had been conceived. The task of disposing of Eric’s clothing was made much sweeter knowing pieces of them would be given to this granddaughter he would not get to hold in this life. It is our plan to make quilts for our other four grandkids as well as for the ones yet to be born. Wasn’t it gracious of God to give us this idea? I can’t thank my family enough for their help in making this gift possible. I love you all.
As I maneuver through these days of change, I am grateful for a Savior who says He’ll walk with me. (Hebrews 13:5) I’m glad He doesn’t get tired of hearing me cry and always listens when I need to talk through my hurt. I would so love to have another conversation with my husband. One more time to sit in our family room and talk things through and prepare together for things to come would be wonderful. I would love to hear him laugh and see him smile. I’d totally enjoy just the sight of him one more time. But since that’s not possible I will be thankful for a Savior who is more than enough if I will just allow Him to be.
(2 Corinthinans 12:9)
By-the-way, another part of the song we’ve been talking about says:
When the darkness closes in Lord, still I will say,
Blessed be the Name of the Lord, Blessed Be Your Glorious Name, Jesus!
Remember God is still in control even when the darkness seems as though it is closing in around you. Praise Him…even when there’s pain in the offering. It will be a sweet smelling sacrifice and will not go unnoticed.
3-22-08 He is not here; for He is risen, as He said. (Matthew 28:6) That’s what the angel told the women at Jesus’ tomb and those words hold an incredible promise for all of us – today. Pastor Aaron said to me this week, “Death is the worst life can throw at us, and we still win even at that!” No matter the pain of separation, it’s not forever. Because Jesus was our sacrifice and He conquered death by His resurrection, those who accept His sacrifice are also assured of a resurrection. That is cause for celebration which is what I hope each of you will be doing this Resurrection Day.
Contemplating the resurrection this week, I realized how much more my heart longs for heaven now that the love of my life is there. It’s not that I’m in the “I don’t want to live without him” syndrome; it’s just that I have special treasure there and will love it when we get to be together again.
That thought also brought about another one: I should look forward to heaven more because Jesus is there than because Eric is. God knows my heart and He knows the adjustments I’m making so I feel no condemnation from Him that Eric is foremost on my mind right now, however I wonder if I have ever looked toward Heaven as I do this minute. Have I ever anticipated being with Jesus as I do being with Eric again someday? Shouldn’t my love for Christ cause draw me to want to be with Him? Not just in prayer, but in reality? Things will never be the same for me here on Earth but I hope I will draw so close to Jesus that the thought of being with Him one day also takes my breath away.
Thursday I was leaving the house and decided to pray for Aaron and Rachel as I drove down the road. I felt prompted to pray in the Spirit. I said, “…ok”, swallowed hard and said, “ok” again. I had to say ok several times and take a few deep breaths before I could begin praying.
You see, I have not prayed more than 5 words at a time in the Spirit in the last month. The last time I used my prayer language to any extent was the last morning we prayed for Eric. I wasn’t avoiding prayer. As I told you before, I simply couldn’t pray words. The deepest times of prayer have all been with tears and groaning.
Well, as I began to pray for Aaron and Rachel, the dam broke and the prayers rolled out. The tears began to fall in torrents and the prayers came from deep, deep within. I know there was healing in that prayer and I know Aaron and Rachel were the catalyst God used to get me started. It’s an experience I can’t adequately describe but I know a lot of you have been praying for me and I wanted you to know that, in the area of prayer, I have made advancement. Thank you SO much for persisting in prayer for me and my family. Keep in mind I had this experience while I was driving so I hope you’re praying for my protection, too!
Church Triumphant presented their Easter cantata last night: 3:16 The Numbers of Hope. What beautiful music and wonderfully inspiring messages they shared. During the performance I remembered our Christmas program this past December where I sat beside Eric and we watched with joy as the message of Jesus’ birth was shared. Little did we know the next time there was a celebration, Eric would be spending it with Jesus and not us. I truly missed him and his smiles of pleasure.
But, John 3:16 -the numbers of hope- tells us when we believe in Jesus we have everlasting life. That’s hope! Proverbs 23:18 says “For surely there is a hereafter, And your hope will not be cut off.” In Acts 24:15 Paul writes, “I have hope in God.…that there will be a resurrection of the dead, both of the just and the unjust.” Col 1:5 reminds us there is a “hope which is laid up for you in heaven,”
The Bible is full of hope! Jesus came to earth to pay the price for our redemption. He returned to His Father but told us, “I will not leave you as comfortless; I will come back to you. (John 14:18) In the same chapter of John He said, “Don’t be troubled. You trust God, now trust in me. There are many rooms in my Father’s home, and I am going to prepare a place for you. If this were not so, I would tell you plainly. When everything is ready, I will come and get you, so that you will always be with me where I am. (verse 3) That is the reason for hope!
Eternal life is real, for the just and the unjust (Acts 24:15). If Christ is not your savior, this is a perfect time to change that and accept His salvation. The message of the resurrection which we celebrate this Sunday will become your most precious possession. The hope that Jesus offers will be yours!
“Death is the worst life can throw at us, and we still win even at that!” so says Pastor Aaron and the message of the Gospel of Jesus Christ. While my heart is broken but mending I need to remind myself that this life is temporary. The eternity we can’t see is the true reality and someday “we who are still alive and remain on the earth will be caught up in the clouds to meet the Lord in the air and remain with him forever. So comfort and encourage each other with these words. (I Thessalonians 4:17 & 18)
Today I make a decision to be encouraged knowing Eric is in glory, seeing Jesus face-to-face and dancing around the throne (well, at least I assume that’s part of what he’s doing!). Aaron said he was talking with some of the Pastor’s and they were all wondering if Eric had met Peter and Paul and some of the other men whose writings he has poured over for the last 30+ years. Aaron’s response was, “Knowing how Pastor just loved to spend time with Jesus, I doubt if he has left His presence yet to talk with the others!” I take comfort in that thought and joy in the hope of sharing that with him someday! I miss you VanB-, hugs and kisses to you from me this Easter.
One final note: Please join me in congratulating Pastor Aaron, Rachel, Christianna, Ciara and Caleb as they welcome home their new addition:
Aric Michael Hines
Born March 20, 2008 @8:50 PM
7 lbs 6 oz 19 inches
Congratulations to all Aric’s grandparents, aunts, uncles and cousins,
too! I’m sure the family would appreciate your prayers.
Happy Resurrection Day!
3-16-08
Ps 27:13-14
I would have lost heart, unless I had believed
That I would see the goodness of the LORD
In the land of the living,
Wait on the LORD;
Be of good courage,
And He shall strengthen your heart;
Wait, I say, on the LORD!
A friend sent me this scripture a few days ago. She has been through the situation we now find ourselves in and it was helpful to her during those difficult days and torturous nights. It was an encouragement to me as well.
When grief is so strong it can keep you from laughing or thinking straight (of course, that can be a problem for me anytime!) or even from crying, you could definitely lose heart. To walk this valley and not believe God is good and involved with us would be unbearable.
Things are suddenly not as clear as they once seemed and even when they were unclear before, there were two of us to walk through them together. Now be of good courage has a whole new meaning and having my heart strengthened is a necessity. I never wanted to walk this road without Handsome. I totally miss the companionship, fun, conversations, challenges and joy that we had only a few weeks ago. There are a lot of things I can see that we as a family are missing or will be missing and it can be hard to comprehend that there may be good and fulfilling days in the future. However, good things do still happen and I’d like to introduce you to one of them!
This is Aubri Lillian Nicole VanBuskirk, Christopher and Kristyn’s first child who was born March 15th at 6:34 AM (CST)! She weighed 7lbs 2oz, was 18 inches long and didn’t wait for any of her grandparents to make it to Illinois before she decided to make her appearance!
Make it we did though so Grandpa Tim, Grandmas Karen and Jeannette and Uncle Nathaniel and Aunt Christy have been able to hold her, love on her and enjoy this new little blessing. I know Eric would have enjoyed this weekend and I’m sad that little Aubri will never know what it’s like to hear her Grandpa Eric pray for her. I miss hearing him pray for me and I’m sad she will never have that experience. However, she will not lack for people to pray for her and enjoy her as she grows.
Since we are getting ready to go bring Aubri – and her parents! – home from the hospital, I want to once again thank you for your prayers. I find myself facing new challenges daily and truly believe it’s your prayers that are pulling me through. I know it’s not my own prayers because they are still not much more than “Help”, or “Oh, God” or simply times of total quiet while my mind either races or stands still. But there are days I sense progress and I thank you for that. You are invaluable to our family.
3-9-08 Last Sunday we walked out of church to some very welcomed warm weather. This Sunday we had to cancel services because of all the snow and drifting! As they say, welcome to Ohio ! As I can say lately, welcome to my life.
My emotions have been as varied as our weather. I have had days this week where I cried so hard I could barely catch my breath. Then there was a day I didn’t cry a single tear until about 7 o’clock in the evening; that was a record day. Sometimes I am so sad I can’t imagine I will ever be completely happy again and then some days I don’t think I feel anything. One minute I am smiling at a memory and the next I am moaning because of another. I am more tired than I have been since having babies who didn’t sleep through the night and in more of a low place than I have ever been in my life. I don’t feel like I’m “more than a conqueror” (Romans 8:37), but God says I am, so I must be.
The other day I found myself singing a song from the 70’s (I know, I know, pretty lame🙂 ): When will I see you again? When will we share precious moments? Will I have to wait forever? Or will I have to suffer and cry the whole night through?( When Will I See You Again by Three Degrees)
Now, I haven’t heard that song in a long, long time but as I sang the words in my head the tears flowed. The song expressed what I was feeling. Then I had to stop and think; I will see Eric again! We have had some precious moments, so what if the wait seems like forever? When we are together again, it will be forever. Right now I am crying and it does feel like a form of suffering but I was reminded again this week that “the things which are seen are temporary, but the things which are not seen are eternal.” (2 Corinthians 4:18 NKJV) I’m in the preliminaries and Eric has finished the race. I’m still racing though. We all are; church and family alike. I’m sure that makes Eric smile and gives God some material to work with!
In Oswald Chambers “My Utmost for His Highest” the March 6th devotional says:
It takes Almighty grace to take the next step when there is no vision and no spectator – the next step in devotion, the next step in your study, in your reading, in your kitchen; the next step in your duty, when there is no vision from God, no enthusiasm and no spectator. It takes far more of the grace of God, far more conscious drawing upon God to take that step, than it does to preach the Gospel.
I have no vision for what is to come next and I have no Eric as a spectator. Notice the way the writer encompasses lots of life’s areas – devotion, study, reading, kitchen, duty, enthusiasm, vision, partner (spectator). Even though Mr. Chambers most likely didn’t have a situation like mine in mind, it fits. All those areas require effort where once they were second nature. It does take determination….and grace.
I’m not real good at supplying the determination right now, although I’m getting better, but God is definitely good at supplying grace. Thanks so much for all of you who are praying for us, allowing us to work through this time, keeping in touch and reminding us that Eric was important to you, too. All of those things are truly important and very helpful in our healing.
The devotional I mentioned above also says:
…the only way to keep the life uncrushed is to live looking to God. Ask God to keep the eyes of your spirit open to the Risen Christ, and it will be impossible for drudgery to damp you.
I need to continually remind myself of that. The only way for me to climb out of this ‘pit’ is to know God remains my source for everything no matter what the situation.
Because you have asked, I want to let you know my dad’s cataract surgery went well and his vision is getting better. The surgery on his left eye will take place in May. Mom’s surgery will be this Friday and we all appreciate your prayers for her.
This week Jamie Wellington, a young man who recently committed his life to the Lord and has been attending our church, died in a tragic four-wheeling accident. His 23 year old wife, Bobbie, could really use your prayers. Josh Strange was a close friend of Jamie’s and was with him at the time of the accident. Please pray for Josh and Tiffani as well as for Pastor Aaron who will be officiating at the funeral service this Tuesday.
Now, let me leave you with this thought:
…I know the plans I have for you,” says the LORD. “They are plans for good and not for disaster, to give you a future and a hope. In those days when you pray, I will listen. If you look for me in earnest, you will find me when you seek me. I will be found by you,” says the LORD. (Jer 29:11-14 NLT)
3-1-08 This past week has been one long, emotional roller coaster ride. I don’t care for coasters in the physical realm and I definitely have struggled with the emotional one this week! Sadness and emptiness have followed me around way too closely and they both have a capacity to drain you of energy and a positive attitude.
One thing I have experienced this week is that God is definitely patient and kind as well as gentle. I have not been able to formulate many thoughts when I sit to pray. Mostly I just sit in the quiet. My heart talks but my mind doesn’t know how to make the words come out. Yet, I never leave my place of devotion feeling condemned or berated. I know God is helping me sort through a lot of things. (Come to Me, all you who labor and are heavy laden, and I will give you rest. Matthew 11:28)
At times it is still very difficult to realize this is permanent. Death has really come to my household and my best friend, my love is not coming back to sit with me, hold my hand, smile at me, pray for me or speak words of encouragement. He will not be calling to tell me what he’s experiencing nor will he be sending me little love notes. Those things will not be happening….ever again. We need to move on now. How does one do that? Sometimes it seems like an awful thought to move forward because we’re doing it without Eric and then the thought of staying where we are is just as bad. Goodness, this is a complex time!
This past Wednesday I was ready to go to church and simply had a crying breakdown. All I could do was cry and hurt and wonder how we got to this place. I voiced my fears of having not done things right or not having done enough. I shared how I would have handled things a bit differently had I known this sickness would end in death. Nathaniel and Christy listened, talked and patiently worked me out of my “pit of despair”. I have my moments and they usually aren’t pretty.
However, I also have moments where I can smile at certain memories or laugh at an event from the past. I had 28 good years with a husband who loved me very much and who loved his children with all his heart. He loved being a pastor and truly cared about the people God had placed around him. My husband left a legacy of love to a family and church who are very grateful for it. Bill Bush told me after the Celebration Service that he has probably been in 800-1,000 churches and he has never been in one where there was a greater love relationship between a pastor and his congregation. We who were shepherded by him are a blessed group indeed.
After my Wednesday “pit” I made myself go to town on Thursday. We needed some things for a project and it was time for me to venture out. I’m glad to say I made it without sobbing and was even able to face a few tough moments and come out ok. Every little step forward is a good thing!
I also attended our monthly prayer meeting this morning and that was one of the best things I’ve done all week. It was such an encouragement to be with my church family; they are all so thoughtful and full of encouragement. They are embracing our family as we process and adjust and even though they are hurting they are looking forward in faith knowing God has good things in store for Church Triumphant. It was comforting just to be with them in prayer and it was the best time of prayer I have had since Eric’s death.
As it says in 2 Corinthians 4:8-9: We are pressed on every side by troubles, but we are not crushed and broken. We are perplexed, but we don’t give up and quit. We are hunted down, but God never abandons us. We get knocked down, but we get up again and keep going. (NLT) Paul reminds us, ..I can do everything with the help of Christ who gives me the strength I need. (Philippians 4:13 NLT) If I thought we as family or as a church body were going to be required to handle this situation on our own, I’d figure we were doomed. But knowing God plans to help us navigate makes overcoming a sure thing! Listen to Pastor Aaron’s message from February 24th and get blessed as Church T begins the healing process.
I thank all of you for continuing to pray for us. This is truly a daily process and we appreciate you covering us as we walk through it. I also want to thank those of you who have asked about my mom and dad. Dad will have his cataracts removed Monday (3-3) and mom’s surgery is scheduled for March 14th. They are both doing fine and are very appreciative of your prayers. I will keep you informed as to their progress.
One more thing, I would like thank those of you have voted for me for Columbus Woman of the Year. That nomination was quite a surprise and then I discovered a link was put from the church page to the voting site and I was touched. Whether I win or not – I’m one blessed woman and am grateful that you would even consider me for such an award.
Let’s remember:
…despite all these things,
overwhelming victory is ours
through Christ, who loved us.
Romans 8:37 NLT
(I’m preaching to myself with this one, but I believe it’s true!)
2-23-08 Thank you does not seem like enough to express how much we appreciate all you have done for us over these last few weeks. How can we convey what your prayers and support have meant? Is there any way you will ever know what you have done for us?
We are definitely grieving but we are able to smile and laugh between our crying times. At any given time you may hear roaring laughter one minute and quiet sobs the next. Our family can be discussing the wonders Eric must be experiencing, and then the next minute be talking about the things we miss with him not being here.
I have already discovered that holding on and going on can both cause pain. I realize it is possible to keep moving while not breathing and to burst into tears at the most inopportune times. The smallest everyday activities which don’t seem important at all on an average day all of a sudden have the unique quality of feeling empty. Things you wouldn’t normally pay attention to all of a sudden capture your thoughts and you find yourself in limbo for a few minutes. Grief is tough, sometimes exhausting.
However, in our case, grief is not the dominate emotion and we can tell each day is a little better than the one before. The following is an excerpt from the update page that I wrote on Valentine’s Day:
But may all who search for you
be filled with joy and gladness.
May those who love your salvation
repeatedly shout, “The LORD is great!”
As for me, I am poor and needy,
but the Lord is thinking about me right now.
You are my helper and my savior.
Do not delay, O my God. (Psalm 40 NLT)
No matter what your situation, the Lord is thinking about you right now! You are not forgotten. Be filled with joy and gladness and shout in the face of adversity, “The LORD is great!” God is never delayed, His timing is the right timing. He is your helper and savior. Blessed be His name forever!!!! How can I keep from singing His praise…How amazing is His love! Soak in that thought and rejoice.
I believed those words when I wrote them last week and we thought a miracle was on the way; I still believe them today. The Lord is thinking about me right now….right now. When I’m crying, laughing, fearful, trying to sleep or so lonely for Eric I don’t think I can stand it, God is thinking about me. He never leaves me or forsakes me (Joshua 1:5, Hebrews 13:5). I definitely do not understand what has happened but God’s timing is right. He is never delayed and I am trusting Him to use this for good because we know that all things work together for good to those that love God and are called for His purpose (Romans 8:28).
Some have told me I am “amazing” or “strong”; I don’t feel either. I feel like a stunned woman who is being held tightly in the arms of Jesus because people are praying for her. I do trust God. I trust He has not made a mistake and that He knows what He’s doing. I also trust that He will guide us as we make all the adjustments and decisions that will be necessary in the next few months. I trust He’ll fill the void when our granddaughter Aubri is born next month, when Father’s Day is celebrated, when our 29th anniversary comes around and when the family gathers to celebrate Christmas this year. God is faithful, He’ll be there for us.
I also realize the above scripture says, “May all who search for you be filled with joy and gladness.” I desire joy and gladness so I plan to continue searching for God, to draw closer. We have been dealt a tough blow but we don’t feel abandoned by our Savior; turning away from Him because of adversity would not satisfy the longing in our heart.
We are doing our best to rejoice with Eric for what he has attained. He has what we are all aiming for – everlasting life in the presence of Jesus. How can we be sad about that? One friend said to us this weekend, “When we know heaven awaits a Believer, why would we ever want to pray for anyone to be healed?!” We never want anyone to go at a young age, but as our daughter said Friday, 100 years together wouldn’t be enough.
We were able to celebrate Eric’s life yesterday and we thank all of the many people who helped make that day special. We felt loved and well taken care of and we really appreciate those who honored and paid tribute to him. We have enjoyed reading your notes and sharing with each other the great things you had to say about Eric. Thank you for joining us in worship, laughter and tears. We know good things are ahead and we are excited to see what God has planned. To quote the same song I did on Valentine’s Day:
I know I am loved by the King
And it makes my heart want to sing
I AM LOVED BY THE KING!! Isn’t that the most magnificent thought?
You are loved by the King also and that’s a magnificent thought; dwell on it today and rejoice!
1-19-08
PASTOR ERIC VANBUSKIRK
“But as for me, I know that my Redeemer lives …
I will see him for myself.
Yes, I will see him with my own eyes.
I am overwhelmed at the thought! Job 19:25, 27
Pastor Eric wants everyone to know that in death as well as life, YOUR REDEEMER LIVES and right now Eric is seeing Him with his own eyes! Eric’s family would like to praise God for His presence through the outpouring of love, prayers, and caring that have been extended to us through a difficult time.
Eric was a much loved husband, father, grandfather, brother, brother-in-law, son and son-in-law. He was a faithful pastor to the congregation of Church Triumphant for over 30 years and served as a prominent leader in this community during that time. It was his passion to join with other pastors and spiritual leaders to ceaselessly pray that God’s work would be accomplished in this area and around the world.
A graveside service will be held at Hallsville Cemetery at Noon on Friday, February 22 with a Celebration of Life service at 1:30 at Church Triumphant, 4496 State Route 180, Kingston . In lieu of flowers, contributions can be made to Church Triumphant.
2-17-08 I hope you will excuse the brevity of this update. Eric’s doctor was here a few hours ago and told us that, without Godly intervention, Eric probably has only a few days to live.
This is obviously not the report I was hoping to write today, but that’s how things stand right now. We need your intercession in a big way. We are staying the course asking for a miracle of total healing and covet your prayers in this. Please go before the throne with this request and into the heavenlies to do battle for his life. Don’t underestimate what your prayers can accomplish.
Thank you – in a big way.
2-14-08 Happy Valentine’s Day! Nathaniel made sure I had roses, chocolate and a card today because he said he knew Eric would do that it if he could! That, of course, made me cry!! Even Christy got a rose…what a brother.
Eric had his transfusion yesterday and was home by 5:30. We are glad all went well and he was able to do that as an outpatient. They gave him a room in pediatrics so he could be isolated instead of in a more open room with other patients. He and Nick McPherson now share the experience of being adults on the PEDS floor! Angie Gilliland was working and it was nice to see a familiar face. Even though she wasn’t taking care of Eric, she made sure to ask several times if we had everything we needed. Thanks, Angie!
While the Home Health nurse was here this morning, Eric registered a low grade temp and wasn’t getting quite enough oxygen from the room air (they can tell that with those small contraptions that clip on your finger – a pulse/ox I believe is the proper term.) The doctor says not to be concerned about the temperature as long as it doesn’t reach 101. They are attempting to make oxygen available for use when needed.
Mostly things are staying the same – the sight and hearing are still a problem and walking is not being attempted these days. The doctor is adjusting the pain medication in an attempt to help clear up some of the confusion Eric deals with. Please pray with us the confusion will go BUT the pain will not return. His lab work from this morning shows the white cells continuing to rise, with platelets remaining low and the hemoglobin on the low side of acceptable.
Aaron and Patrick came over to pray with us today and that was a real blessing. Eric may not be able to process all the details of what is happening, but he can still pray! He also, being a little confused, unknowingly provided all of us with a few laughs that we’ll share with him at a later date J. Since “A merry heart does good, like medicine” (Proverbs 17:22), we prayed our laughter would transfer to his spirit and help speed the healing process.
There is a song that has been such a blessing to me this last week or so. If you haven’t heard it, I highly recommend you give it a listen. It is the first track on the Chris Tomlin CD “see the morning”. The title is “How Can I Keep From Singing” and I’d like to share just the chorus with you:
How can I keep from singing Your praise
How can I ever say enough
How amazing is Your love
How can I keep from shouting Your name
I know I am loved by the King
And it makes my heart want to sing
I AM LOVED BY THE KING!! Isn’t that the most magnificent thought? The creator of all mankind loves us. WOW. He knows who we are, where we are and what we need and He actually knows those things better than we do.
Earlier this week I shared the first few verses of Psalm 40 with you. Now I want to share part of the last few:
But may all who search for you
be filled with joy and gladness.
May those who love your salvation
repeatedly shout, “The LORD is great!”
As for me, I am poor and needy,
but the Lord is thinking about me right now.
You are my helper and my savior.
Do not delay, O my God. (NLT)
No matter what your situation, the Lord is thinking about you right now! You are not forgotten. Be filled with joy and gladness and shout in the face of adversity, “The LORD is great!” God is never delayed, His timing is the right timing. He is your helper and savior. Blessed be His name forever!!!! How can I keep from singing His praise…How amazing is His love! Soak in that thought and rejoice.
2-12-08 Eric will be getting a transfusion in the morning. This will be an outpatient procedure and he should be back home tomorrow afternoon. His counts today were not good; the white cells were up to over 100,000 and his hemoglobin was down to about 6. Hence, the transfusion.
I would ask you all to pray that he remains stable throughout the night as he is very tired and his ability to control his muscles for walking is decreasing. Just getting him to the hospital for a transfusion is probably going to require ambulance transport. He’s pretty confused and he knows it and that bothers him. His appetite has decreased and he’s sleeping a lot more. These are not good things.
We have all prayed, done what we know to do and, as has always been the case, are waiting on God. That’s what we’re going to continue to do: pray, praise and wait for the Power. We have taken up the whole armor of God so we can withstand in the evil day, and having done all, we’ll stand. (see Ephesians 6:13).
I just wanted to get this short note out so anyone who reads this page before going to bed at night or before going to work in the morning would know what to be praying. Thank you all very much.
Psalm 40:1-3
I waited patiently for the LORD;
And He inclined to me,
And heard my cry.
He also brought me up out of a horrible pit,
Out of the miry clay,
And set my feet upon a rock,
And established my steps.
He has put a new song in my mouth —
Praise to our God;
Many will see it and fear,
And will trust in the LORD.
2-11-08 Oh my, doesn’t that word “patiently” seem like a tough one sometimes? I know it does for me right now. It’s nice to know the next line says He inclined to me. Do you know what that means? According to Barnes’ Notes by Biblesoft, Inc. it means: ultimately he heard and answered me; or he turned himself favorably toward me, as the result of “persevering” prayer. The word “inclined ” here means properly “bowed;” that is, he “bent forward” to hearken, or to place his ear near my mouth and to hear me. At first, he seemed as one that would not hear; as one that throws his head backward or turns his head away. Ultimately, however, he bent forward to receive my prayer. (Emphasis mine)
There’s so much about this Psalm that ministered to me today. First was the word waiting. Second was the idea of being patient (yuck!). Then we discovered He is listening. Next He brings us out of this pit and establishes our steps – which is neat for Eric considering he can hardly walk right now! Not only does He do all these things for us, He gives us a new praise song to sing and promises MANY will trust the Lord because of it! Boy, God is good, isn’t He?!
It is not our desire to be living in this trial but it is our desire God get glory out of it. We anxiously await a miracle that will allow many to see and hear and put their trust in the Lord. Thank you all for patiently waiting with us and having the kind of prayer that is persevering. Thank you for remembering God is always listening and for continuing to give Him something to hear!
Many of you already know that the lab work from Sunday did not give us the good news we were all hoping for. The white counts were up while the hemoglobin and platelets were down. They said we could go in for a transfusion if we wanted but we chose to wait and talk with Dr. Madsen first. After talking with him this morning, it was decided we would wait until blood could be drawn tomorrow and then see if a transfusion is still needed. If it is, the plan is to do it on an outpatient basis.
Eric is feeling ok except for his lower back, legs and feet. He is not able to walk very well today. A few steps is all he can manage even with his walker. We have used the wheelchair some but mostly lying down is the least painful position. The issue is not as much one of pain as it was before, but legs that just won’t work and feet that are numb. The doctors suspect this could be the result of cancer in his spine pressing on the spinal cord. If he were able to move around more, I’m pretty sure he would feel a bit better.
His sight has not improved so he still sees double and has trouble reading. He is listening to Aaron’s sermons each week and is totally enjoying that. His hearing is all but gone in his right ear except he hears things from that ear that aren’t really being said…that is a bit annoying for him! It can be a bit funny for us, but not so much for him. He makes the best of it.
There are many things to pray for but most of all I guess would be that every plan of the enemy would be halted, that Eric’s body would be completely healed that the Kingdom of God would get mighty gain from this trial.
I personally think the enemy did not count on so many people being so steadfast and so effective. I think the unity and the drive caught him off guard and I think he thought this thing would be over and done weeks ago. However, “When the enemy comes in like a flood, the Spirit of the Lord will lift up a standard against him.” (Isaiah 59:19). There is always more to these situations than meets the physical eye. God is always at work and we should remember when times get tough and we have to persevere that “He who is in you is greater than he who is in the world.” (I John 4:4).
One other thing I would like to ask of you. My mom, Nancy Brown, has been diagnosed with breast cancer and will be having surgery sometime next week. We covet your prayers for her and my dad that all will go well, that the cancer will be contained, the surgery easy and recovery quick. God is still good.
Again, we thank you all for your prayers, words of encouragement, gestures of kindness and for keeping us close in your heart. We simply can’t express how much those things mean to us. To the kids in CT’s Children’s Ministry – it was wonderful to hear your voices Sunday! I’m hoping to see you all real soon and I want hugs from everyone when I do, so get ready!
2-9-08 BLESS THE LORD! Eric slept 10 hours last night – PAIN FREE! Thank you all for your prayers. Thank You, Lord, for that blessing.
2-8-08 Let me start by saying thanks to those of you who were able to pray about the severe pain Eric experienced early Thursday morning. That pain subsided and he was able to get some sleep and after waking, had a pretty good day.
Unfortunately, about 4:30 Friday morning the same thing started all over again. It was a rough 3 hours but sleep finally came. Because of the amount of pain medicine needed, he was pretty sleepy for most of the day but spent the evening reading The Word and watching some inspirational programming. He’s feeding his spirit any way he can.
The home health nurse came today and drew blood. I wish I had better news to report but the results were not what we were hoping for. The white cell counts jumped to about 48,000. This is not the downward trend we were on before. The platelets went up to about 9,000. More than likely, both of these things happened because Eric has not taken the chemo pill since Wednesday. In essence, medically speaking, without the chemo pill, leukemia will probably run rampant and the counts will be out of whack like they were before.
Now, I’m sure we all realize this is not what we are praying for. While we appreciate and are thankful for medication, we don’t want to just “keep the disease at bay” we want it annihilated by the power of God.
This Sunday the nurse will be back to draw blood again. We are asking God how we can press in so those counts will once again be on the right track without the aid of the chemo pill. We are praying, we know all of you are praying, we are all asking for healing and we would love to see some strides in that area this weekend so Eric won’t have to take the chemo medicine. We so appreciate you all praying with us and bringing our need before the Lord.
Nancy Carter sent this Psalm and I think it’s totally appropriate for us this weekend.
Ps. 18:35–40, New International–“You give me(Eric) your shield of victory, and your right hand sustains me(him); you stoop down to make me(him) great. Broaden the path beneath me (him), so that my (his) ankles do not turn. I (Pastor–in Christ) pursued my (his) enemies (leukemia, sickness) and overtook them; I (Eric) did not turn back till they (sickness) were destroyed. I (Eric, in Christ, by the Word) cursed them so that they could not rise. They (sickness) fell beneath my (his) feet. You armed me (Pastor) with strength for battle; you made my (Pastor’s) adversaries bow at my (his) feet. You made my (his) enemies turn their backs in flight, and I (Pastor, by the Word of God, in the Name of Jesus) destroyed my (his) foes.”
We fight the battle with God’s Word which is alive and active!
2-6-08 WE’RE HOME!!! Eric walked through the family room door at about 10:30 this morning and boy, did it feel good. We had great care at the hospital, met some really nice people and while we enjoyed making new friends, we sure are glad to be back on Kreisel Road once again. This afternoon Eric sat in front of an open window just so he could get some fresh air; you don’t get much of that in a hospital room!
Last night we “celebrated” Christy’s 19th birthday in the hospital room by having dinner together with Applebee’s carry-out. It wasn’t much of a party but we were happy just to be together. Each of our kids have now had one birthday celebration in a hospital room. We hope this was the last time that will happen.
Today’s lab test results show Eric’s white cells to be about 28,000 which is a downward trend. His platelets however, are also low (6,000); the chemo pill that helps reduce the white cells also keeps the platelets low so the doctor is being careful in how often he administers that pill. The blood transfusion allowed his hemoglobin to rise to 8.8. These numbers don’t mean a lot to most of you and we are certainly not experts at this stuff but let me tell you, as best I can, what you probably want to know.
Things are better than they were 10 days ago and most definitely better than they were a month ago when he almost died. This does not mean he is free of leukemia; his body is still fighting for life. Things are moving in a positive direction for the most part, but we still need a miracle to make things complete. The bottom line to defeating the cancer is for Eric’s bone marrow to make healthy cells in the right number and we anxiously await for this answer to prayer to be seen with human eyes.
Right now he has significant pain in his legs and his feet feel numb most of the time. His right eye still does not see correctly, his left ear has lost most of its hearing and there is a pretty constant swishing noise on that side which is bothersome to say the least. He gets tired easily and would love to not have to take so much pain medication.
The good news is Gen 2:7 tells us, “And the LORD God formed man of the dust of the ground, and breathed into his nostrils the breath of life; and man became a living being.” God knows how Eric’s body works and what is needed to “fix” it.
Another piece of good news is found in Jeremiah 33:3 where God says, “Call to Me, and I will answer you, and show you great and mighty things, which you do not know.” Hallelujah, we’re all looking for those great and mighty things!
As we continue to pray for healing, remember what Pastor Aaron shared on Sunday – praise is powerful. What a joy it is for us to know you are praising God while petitioning Him for Eric’s healing
I will praise You, O LORD, with my whole heart;
I will tell of all Your marvelous works.
I will be glad and rejoice in You;
I will sing praise to Your name, O Most High.
(Psalm 9:1-2)
2-4-08 Being at church yesterday was so wonderful. It was fantastic to see everyone, get those hugs and smiles I’ve waited for, hear that great preaching and enjoy the freedom that can only come from worship. Won’t it be fun when Eric can be there????
We were hoping today would be the day for going home, but it looks like we’ll have to wait until Wednesday for that. The doctor wants Eric to have 10 full days of IV antibiotics and that will be completed tomorrow night.
His white cell count is around 39,000 and his platelets are still holding around 10,000. He is receiving a blood transfusion today because his hemoglobin was a bit low and Dr. Madsen wanted to give him a transfusion before he went home. Hopefully, it will help for several weeks and we won’t have to make another trip to the hospital for that purpose! We had hoped to not have any transfusions, but we’ll just pray this is the last one (right?).
Physical Therapy was in again today and they are helping Eric work those leg muscles that are getting weaker by the day. It’s painful, but he’s tough (I can say that since it’s not me getting those muscles stretched until it hurts)! We can see benefit from that stretching and are anxious for his legs to get stronger and stronger so he can be mobile without the walker or holding on to something for support. You know, so he can go dancing across the platform on Sunday mornings!!
We are seeing progress but are still in need of the miracle of bone marrow that makes completely healthy blood. We need the cells to be healthy ones and the platelets to increase in number while the white cells decrease. His body is still full of bruises and knots which are under the skin, his hearing and eyesight are still not what they should be and we want all of these things to be made right. With such humility, Pastor Skip Cousins prayed today, “God, if I may be so bold, this doesn’t need to go on any longer.” I think we are all in agreement with that prayer.
God’s Word says “Praise Him for His mighty acts, Praise Him according to His excellent greatness.” (Psalm 150:2) We are praising Him that Eric is alive. We are praising Him that He knows where we are and what we need. We are praising Him for His mercy and grace. The rest of the Psalm says, “Let everything that has breath praise the Lord.” (Psalm 150:6) We have breath and we are praising the Lord!
Eric wants all of you to know (again) how much your prayers, love and support mean to us. When you are encouraged, we are encouraged. When you pray prayers of faith, it builds our faith. When you praise God for his healing, why would we want to do any less? “Nevertheless God, who comforts the downcast, comforted us …..when we learned of your earnest desire, your mourning, your zeal for me, so that I rejoiced even more.” (2 Corinthains 7:6 & 7)
God is good all the time and all the time, God is good!
2-1-08Well, I guess I wasn’t so good at keeping you informed every few days, but we thought about all of you often and prayed for you, too. J
We have now been in the hospital for seven days (this time!) and have seen improvements each day. Wednesday night we had a few tense hours when for no reason at all Eric’s heart rate and blood pressure went really high really fast. Since it was time for church when these incidents happened, we were able to have the church and our family praying right away. This spike happened twice and then things were fine. It has not been determined what the problem was except that Dr. Madsen says we have the enemy on the run and he’s trying tactics to get us sidetracked and fearful! It’s great to know the Holy Spirit knows what to pray when we don’t. (Romans 8:26)
At present, neither nausea nor dizziness is an issue anymore and Eric has occasionally used the walker to move around the room a bit. Last night his legs were causing severe pain but some extra medication and prayer brought that under control this morning and he is resting on the couch as I write.
Because of the double/blurred vision, he is not able to read and he sure hates that. For someone who is used to reading God’s Word often and who loves to spend time gleaning from great books that is a bit of a frustration. He has some scriptures on CD and we read to him but as anyone who loves to read knows, that’s not the same as doing it yourself. To not be reading while you’re sitting still seems like a waste of time. If he could read, he’d be typing this himself and you’d be getting his version instead of mine!
The physical therapist was in today working with him to strengthen his leg muscles. They will be coming in some time to fit him for a foot brace to help compensate for the “drop foot” that has developed. As you pray for the pain in his legs to be gone and their strength to increase, please pray for the foot to regain its movement.
Now, are you ready for some more good news?! This morning Eric’s white cell counts were down to 44,000 and his platelets are holding at 10,000!!!!! The white cells have steadily been going down – without the aid of the chemo pill!! His platelets are really low, but they haven’t gone down since we’ve been here. Dr. Madsen told us this morning that his “bad cells” have been decreasing also! What a great report with which to start the day! Thank you all for being vigilant in prayer. This morning Dr. Madsen said God wasn’t just the God of “better” but the God of “healed”….let’s keep praying until we see that end. (Colossians 4:2)
Eric wants to send this message to all of you:
I thank my God upon every remembrance of you, always in every prayer of mine making request for you all with joy, for your fellowship in the gospel from the first day until now, being confident of this very thing, that He who has begun a good work in you will complete it until the day of Jesus Christ; just as it is right for me to think this of you all, because I have you in my heart, inasmuch as both in my chains and in the defense and confirmation of the gospel, you all are partakers with me of grace. For God is my witness, how greatly I long for you all with the affection of Jesus Christ. NKJV Philippians 1:3-8
We realize there are people all over the globe who are petitioning heaven on his behalf. We know there are people we have never met who pray for him on a regular basis. The local Church is continually expressing their love and support and the people of Church Triumphant never cease to amaze us with their prayers, cards, encouragement and tenacity of faith. Praying for all of you is a privilege and we do it with thankful hearts. We desire to see God complete His work in you as much as you are anxious to see the healing completed in Eric.
We are so looking forward to the day we will once again participate in corporate worship; praising God together, feasting on His Word, giving and receiving smiles and hugs – it can’t be too soon for us! The grace of our Lord Jesus Christ be with you. My love be with you all in Christ Jesus. Amen. NKJV 1 Cor 16:23-24
1-28-08 In my last note, I told you we would try to keep you informed on a more regular basis and it’s been about 4 days without any additions. We’re sorry about that but when you hear why, we’re sure you’ll understand!
This past Friday was a pretty rough day for Eric. He was nauseated quite a bit, couldn’t eat, didn’t feel like moving much and was generally just feeling pretty poor. Friday night he managed, for the second night in a row, to get upstairs to bed and was hopeful some good sleep would bring a better day. However, his night was not restful and when he awoke in the morning it was not to the better day he had hoped for.
Saturday morning he could not move his head without feeling as though things were spinning out of control. His right eye had blurred vision, his right cheek was numb and he was still extremely nauseated. Dr. Madsen was concerned these things might be signs of a stroke and wanted him at the hospital right away to receive a platelet transfusion. As difficult as it was, he managed to get downstairs (holding that necessary bucket close by!) and Christy and I were preparing to get him to the car. He simply did not think he would make it (could it be he didn’t trust us girls to get him there??!) and we decided to call the squad for the second time in as many weeks.
The doctor had things all set for a direct admission so they took us right through the ER and up to the third floor. The guys in the squad gave him Benadryl which was helping him relax but when he woke up his legs were killing him and he was still extremely sick to his stomach, especially every time he moved his head even slightly.
Tests were ordered, blood drawn and plans discussed. Later that evening he was given a morphine pump which helped get his leg pain under control in a really short amount of time. Finally he was sleeping peacefully. His white cell counts were high once again (in the 260,000 range) but his platelets had remained about the same so no transfusion was necessary!
Sunday dawned with Eric still resting well but unable to move his head without feeling dizzy and nauseous. One time, in the early morning, he heaved and said, “I praise You God”, heaved again, “I praise You in the good times”, heave, “In the bad times”, heave, “hear that devil? I’m gonna praise Him”, heave. I guess we had church in a most unconventional way!
Early in the morning, Dr. Madsen stopped by and after talking with us and finding the leg pain under control, went to talk to someone who could give some suggestions for dealing with the nausea and to talk with the radiologist about the CT scan. He came back with the news that the dizziness was most likely being caused by an infection in one of the bones of Eric’s inner ear; a condition called mastoiditis (suppose I spelled that right??!). They could tackle that with some heavy duty antibiotics administered through his IV. He had also gotten some ideas for attacking the nausea problem and those were put into action.
The result was that Eric slept the entire live-long day Sunday! I’m not even sure he knew it was Sunday for most of the dayJ. He did wake up about 10:45, ask what time it was, prayed for the preaching of the Word about to take place at CT and went right back to sleep! Still being the shepherd of his flock even in a drugged sleep!
He was eventually able to move his head from side to side while sleeping without the problem of getting sick. He slept and the medicine did its job while bunches of us prayed and God did what only God can do.
This morning he is better – he ate some breakfast and sat in a chair for a while. His legs are really weak and wobbly but not constantly painful. He is still a bit dizzy and his eyes don’t focus right but we see improvements. As I write, he sleeps peacefully….again! What a wonderful sight.
I know this has been really long, but please indulge me while I take on Eric’s role for a minute and share from the Word. My devotion this morning focused on Ephesians 6:10-18: “We do not wrestle against flesh and blood, but against principalities, against powers, against the rulers of the darkness of this age, against spiritual hosts of wickedness in the heavenly places”. (vs 12)
It’s much easier to defeat your enemy when you know who he is. Eric’s body is out of whack, but his body is not the enemy. Satan is the author of sickness and disease – he is the enemy we are wrestling against. To quote my devotional for today (Our Daily Bread): “But every day, although we are often ill-prepared, we do face a threat. As believers, we fight against an enemy we cannot see. Our struggle is not “against flesh and blood, but …against spiritual hosts of wickedness.” The outcome of this battle is sure, however. Jesus is the Victor. And using the armor and weapons He supplies, we are able “to stand” (vs 13). We fight in His power and strength. (emphasis mine)
In Ephesians 6 God tells us how to dress for battle. He tells us the enemy is not flesh and blood. He tells us in Isaiah 54:17 “no weapon formed against us shall prosper”; victory belongs to Jesus! Mr. D. De Haan who was the author of my devotional today says we face a threat from our enemy daily. Pastor Mark Pfeifer said to us last week he’d rather be on the front lines taking some hits because he’s a threat to the enemy rather than be no threat at all. There’s a battle going on and God has fully equipped us to defeat the enemy. Hallelujah!! Read Ephesians 6 and rejoice in all that God has done to make us ready to pull down strongholds.
This week we rejoiced with our friends Bruce and Donna Pontious as they saw those strongholds come down when Bruce’s doctors said they didn’t need to see him any more – they can find no trace of leukemia in his body!!!!! ISN’T GOD GOOD? Isn’t it wonderful that He is mindful of us? Isn’t it wonderful to know God supplies all we need according to His riches in glory by Christ Jesus? (Phil. 4:19)
Take some time today to praise God for working in your life.
1-24-08 We know many of you have been waiting for this update; calling the office or each other, sending e-mails, hoping for some news. We apologize we have not sent anything sooner than this but we simply didn’t have anything big to report. We promise to try and do better in the future J. Even if the news is small, we’ll try to get it on the web where you can read it. Just knowing you are interested and still praying makes us feel wrapped in love – thank you all so much.
Eric had his blood tested yesterday and we got the results last night. His white cell counts are out of whack again – this time on the high side (around 140,000 for those of you who care to know) and his platelets are really low (around 8,000 for that same group mentioned before!). This would indicate the leukemia is still trying to keep its stronghold and stay active in Eric’s body. However, we continue to believe God is greater than any disease and that healing will manifest in fullness.
Some good things to let you know about are that Eric’s feeling fine. The pneumonia is under control. He has energy (when he gets a good nights sleep), has an appetite, is up each day reading the Word, praying and wishing he was well! Yesterday he actually dressed in a pair of jeans which is a first for him in about 3 weeks. Hey – we need to praise God for the little things as well as the big ones!
You have been praying about the feeling in his legs and feet and we are seeing some improvement there. He is walking more often with assistance from me, Nathaniel or Christy than with the walker. He’s even managed to do a little bit of walking alone! His feet are still pretty painful and can bother him at night but he keeps pressing forward and using them. Chuck Thurston suggested vitamin B-12 shots and Dr. Madsen said it certainly couldn’t hurt so Eric had an injection of that last night. We’re hopeful that will make a difference and give him strength in those limbs.
Now, let’s switch from an update to a note from Pastor:
“As you can probably imagine the past couple of weeks have been somewhat of a blur to me due to the fury of this last bout with cancer. One minute everything was fine and the next I find that I am bruised all over, flat on my back and experiencing a raging disease intended to take me out of this world. Only our heavenly Father and Jesus Christ can change circumstances such as this and that is where we are placing our complete trust.
I am writing this while sitting here in the comfort of my own home receiving ministry from the Lord and attempting to return the same. What a journey! What a blessing to know so many of you are praying for my total healing. Thank you so much for your steadfast love for me and my family and for your unwavering faith in Jesus Christ and His ability to do the impossible.
When we are faced with the unexpected, the scripture speaks to us if we will let it. Consider the apostle Paul’s message in 2 Corinthians:
For we do not want you to be ignorant, brethren, of our trouble which came to us in Asia: that we were burdened beyond measure, above strength, so that we despaired even of life. Yes, we had the sentence of death in ourselves, that we should not trust in ourselves but in God who raises the dead, who delivered us from so great a death, and does deliver us; in whom we trust that He will still deliver us, you also helping together in prayer for us, that thanks may be given by many persons on our behalf for the gift granted to us through many. (2 Corinthians 1:8-11)
Trusting God in every trial of life is the only way to see beyond the impossibility into His deliverance. Trusting Jesus means to place absolute faith in His word and His every promise. Faith is never passive, but always active and will go to any extreme to get to Jesus when there is no other escape from the predicament. Trusting in God is a place of safety no matter what storm rages around you. Faith is the only way to see the impossible become possible. Isn’t it comforting to know we have a God that rewards our faith and trust in Him? Let’s be active believers!”
We were hoping Eric might be able to attend church this week but the doctor said “absolutely not” so I guess we’ll have to wait a while to join a Sunday Celebration Service. Hopefully, not too much longer!
Since you are always interested in knowing what to pray, look at the “big 3” we mentioned in the last note and concentrate on numbers 1 and 3 and add to those “restful sleep”.
Thank you for praying. Thank you for the expressions of love and support we receive daily. Thank you for caring. We love you, Jeannette
1-18-08 WE’RE GOING HOME! Dr. Madsen has told Eric he can go home this morning and we are more than ready. He still has pneumonia and his counts are not good but the doc says he can pretty well do at home now what they are doing here. This time home will be with STRICT ISOLATION so, unfortunately, he will still not be allowed to have visitors. We are anxious to see all of you but plan to do what the doctor has requested so, please bear with us.
I know you are all still praying and we appreciate that more than you can know. I’d like to tell you what we see as some specific needs to pray for:
1) Eric’s bone marrow to begin to manufacture it’s own healthy cells and platelets; transfusions will only do so much for so long. One of the things the docs are concerned about right now is the level of Eric’s platelets. If he should start to bleed for any reason, they may not be able to get it stopped. This is an urgent need.
2) The pneumonia to be healed. The longer this hangs on the more white cells are used to fight it. We want the cells to have a chance to amass in number to a healthy level and we don’t want the coughing to cause any problems.
3) For Eric’s legs and feet to begin to have feeling so they can be used better and he can walk without pain and walker assistance. He has only partial feeling in those limbs and not only is that a nuisance, it’s also painful and times and makes moving around difficult.
These are the “big three” for right now. I want you all to understand that just because he is going home, he is not completely healed and the complete healing is what we’re after.
The doctors would still say it’s only a matter of time before this cancer takes him anyway but we have a Heavenly Father who is a healer, provider, savior, deliverer and whose mercy is everlasting, who has said in His word He will give us the desires of our heart, that He will heal all our diseases and that He is more than sufficient for all we have need of. That is the report we believe. Thanks for believing with us and helping us receive this miracle. We love you all and appreciate all you are doing; it’s great to be part of the Body of Christ!
Jeannette ( and Eric and Family – a grateful bunch of people!)
1-17-08 Just wanted to let you know, I’m sure you are wondering & having others asking what you know. The last real correspondence I have had with any one of pastor’s family was Christy last night after service. She said he had a great day, ate a lot, took two walks, sent the boys out twice to Tim Horton’s for Coffee (imagine that), ate McDonalds for lunch, ate all of his dinner, & had some physical therapy yesterday. Have not heard anything so far today, usually that’s a good sign. Christy said that yesterday, his white blood count continued to go up & that is good because of the pneumonia, his body is fighting it. Continue to pray that the Leukemia will be driven out, His bone marrow will make its own blood & the pneumonia will be gone. Keep fighting the fight of faith with the weapons of praise & prayer. God WILL show His Power. Why? Because He is good & faithful all the time & all the time He is good & faithful.
Will let you all know if I hear anything else,
Aaron
1-16-08 I know some of you have been able to keep up with what’s happenin’ here, but some of you haven’t heard in a while. Aaron has been trying to keep those on his email list informed; some of you may or may not be on that list so I wanted to bring you up to date. I will try to make this brief and by doing so will leave out a lot of details and some things that happened in perfect timing. However, you’ll get the meat of what our weekend was like.
Friday evening Eric had to be taken by squad to our local ER because he was basically, as I understand it, suffocating due to a critically low level of red blood cells. Things were pretty tense and scary for a while and God made sure just the right people were at our house when all this happened. After several very rapid blood transfusions and a few hours he was admitted to the ICU. During the course of the next 30 hours or so he received 9 units of blood and more platelets than I can remember. Things were pretty touch and go for a few days although he never again returned to the condition in which he was admitted. Since then he has been given a few more blood and platelet transfusions.
He has developed pneumonia and an infection which was just identified this AM and our doctor says is one that’s usually easy to destroy. The pneumonia is in the lower left lobe and because Eric has a white cell count of 1, it’s a bit hard for him to battle. However, he has been sitting up, eating regular food and walking with the physical therapist; he was not doing any of those things at home. He is awake most of the day where as he was sleeping the day away at home. We did not realize his hemoglobin was getting lower and lower. Thank God for placing the right people at the right place at the right time.
Right now we are in need of his bone marrow to begin to manufacture its own white blood cells and platelets – healthy white cells I might add, not leukemia ones! The doctors have been straight up with us all along that a body will only tolerate so many transfusions before it begins to reject them and if Eric’s body doesn’t begin to make them, we have a problem.
The good thing is …. we know the Creator of the body and are believing He will do things exactly as He has planned and will get the glory for this healing…and we are expecting that healing!
For now, we are in the ICU at Adena so they can keep him in semi-isolation (spouse, children and pastors allowed) because of the low counts. The care has been excellent and we have met some very nice people. God is good, all the time!
Thanks so much to those of you who have prayed, sent notes, cards, and words of encouragement through others – your thoughtfulness is a boost to our family and we appreciate it much. I’m sorry if we don’t get time to respond to each one individually but I’m sure you understand. We appreciate your prayers with us in asking God for Eric’s marrow to begin to function as it was created to do. I also want to thank anyone who was able to be at the ER the night Eric was brought in. You don’t know what a protected feeling it is to know there are so many people praying right at the point of need. To be cared about in such a way does something to the heart that it doesn’t soon forget. I don’t even know who all of you were that got the word that night, but I can tell you the kids and I (and Eric when he was told about it!) felt very safely wrapped in God’s arms and yours. “Thank you” doesn’t even begin to express our gratitude enough.
Looking for a miracle,
Jeannette
1-14-08 :@ 7am: Dr. Madsen says, Eric’s bone marrow needs to begin to make platellets,. The transferred ones will last about 3 days. He will begin to build an immunity to the transferred ones & they will not work. Without them he will die. The blood transfusions are usually good for 2-3 months. In short we still need to kill ALL cancer cells & to make things normal. As far as we can tell the enemy has been arrested but not totally put to flight. Total Defeat is our goal!! We are staying in ICU today. Eric was much better last night, ate a few bites of food. Stood for a few minutes & talked a lot more. His legs are beginning to get very sore & stiff. Please pray about that.
Pray, Praise, & Power is what we need. JEV
@ 2:30 pm Today Eric sat comfortably in a chair for the first time in a week! He has eaten a bit of food, and walked a short distance with a walker. These are GREAT improvementn. We are Thankful!! We still need to battle against the cancer and we appreciate all of you that who are doing that this us. What a blessed family we are.
God is good & faithful all the time & All the time God is good & faithful!!!
Aaron
1-11-08 Just thought it would be good to have you all pray. We have received a couple of emails today from Jeannette here at the church, she has said it is really a bad & rough day. I don’t have specifics, but as I sat with Pastor & Jeannette yesterday afternoon, they asked that we continue to pray that the leukemia would be cursed, that his nervous system & legs would begin to function appropriately, & that his appetite would return, nausea would be gone. So at least pray about those things. Pray that the sustaining power of the Holy Spirit would be at work in both Pastor’s heart & life as well, as Jeannette & their children. “Let God Arise & let His enemies be scattered”
If you are a home group leader please contact your people & encourage them to pray, if you’re not and you know others that are full of faith feel free to contact them & encourage them to pray, as well. Jeannette said the nurse would be there around 4pm & after they had spoke with her she hoped to send out a more detailed email, letting us know more specifically how to pray.
Trusting in the faithfulness & goodness of our Father,
Aaron
1-10-08 I just want to thank all of you who prayed, asked others to pray and/or sent notes of encouragement. It’s such a blessing to know there is an army going into battle for us.
Today was a bit better than yesterday (and not as good as I hope tomorrow will be!) with Eric being awake a bit more and getting a little more liquid nourishment. The nurse was here today and she thinks perhaps he simply wore himself out over the last few days and is trying to recoup some lost energy. We’re praying for God to restore that and more as he sleeps. Pray God will speak to his spirit as he sleeps and bring encouragement to his soul!
While we are cursing cancer and its effects, we’re praising God for His goodness, faithfulness and presence. We’d love to see feeling restored to Eric’s legs and feet and would ask you to join us in that specific request. Continue to pray as God directs and know we are grateful.
One final note tonight – our friend, Pastor Steve Schmidt from Tabernacle Baptist Church in Chillicothe, had a slight stroke last night. I don’t know all the effects right now but Steve just went through heart surgery (4 bypass, I believe) four months ago and I’m sure would appreciate your prayers; please remember to pray for him also.
With a thankful heart, Jeannette
1-8-08 Many of you have asked how Pastor is doing so I thought I’d take a quick minute and let you know. First of all, if you have called and we couldn’t answer the phone, sent and card or an e-mail and haven’t gotten an reply, or wanted to stop by but it didn’t work out, please accept our apologies and know we truly appreciate each contact, thought and prayer. We realize we are not in this battle alone but sometimes things just don’t get done as we’d like.
Now, let me tell you that today has been a rough one for Eric. He has been in bed all day and has only been awake for brief periods a few times. Needless to say, it’s been a little rough on us, too. However, we know the miracle needed now is the same one we have needed for the past two weeks. It seems to me we just need it a bit quicker now. I don’t mean to sound as though I’m taking this lightly – nothing could be further from the truth and I want you to know we truly need those prayers that come from deep inside and those that touch the throne of God.
Many of you have been awake in the middle of the night – praying. Most of you pray several times throughout the day. We are all trusting God for perfect healing. Please keep standing with us – you are helping more than you know. Some of the scriptures that are being prayed are Psalm 91; Psalm 20; Psalm 41:1-3, Psalm 103: 1-5, Isaiah 43:1&2; Philippians 2:27,and Luke 22: 31 & 32; mind you this is only some of them. Please feel free to use these in your prayer time and any others God directs you to.
If you would stop and say a prayer right now, we would appreciate it. Pray for a miracle.
Thank you so much,
Jeannette
JEV 